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| Yo no hablo Español maricón | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jun 13 2011, 08:43 AM (84 Views) | |
| Starr | Jun 13 2011, 08:43 AM Post #1 |
Everybody knows I'm a motherfuckin' monster!
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“The ‘Lucha Libre Gangsta’, what the fuck is that?!” A familiar voice exclaims in laughter. Before us, dressed “to the nines” in a finely tailored suit, a cigarette burning between his lips, and the CWC North American Championship is the newly debuted Alexander StarrZoë. Starr is seated behind a large oak desk, his feet crossed at his ankles, a crystal ashtray and a pack of cigarettes rest on his desk, next to a small glass, filled partially with ice and topped with a deep amber liquid. Alex unlocks his hands from behind his head and reaches for the glass, taking a small sip, laughing, and downs the entire thing in a quick sip; “You know what the Gaelic translation of ‘whiskey’ is? ‘The blood of life’ and shit, I think I’ve drank so much at this point of my life that my veins may very well be pumping unfiltered whiskey!” Placing down his empty glass, Alexander’s gaze travels lazily out the picture floor to ceiling picture window to his right. Overlooking the city before him, StarrZoë sighs; “I, I…I don’t even know” Alex mutters, almost to himself; “I’m beginning to think Warped management is purposely fucking with me here. Last week, I debuted against Craig Cohen, who I had defeated before the match even begun with a couple of simple Anti-Semitic jokes and this week…really Joey? Come on man, what the fuck are you thinking?” StarrZoë continues; “Who the hell is Chad Santana? Matthews does realize I’ve been ranked in the top ten in the Championship Wrestling Council for longer than I can remember, right? I mean Korrupt just reached the top twenty recently and damn sure hadn’t been there anytime before! But no, I don’t get put into competition against people I deserve to face but instead I’m watching my talents smolder out facing scrubs that will never make any further in their careers then to have the honor of facing me. This week though, this is by far the biggest insult I’ve ever suffered in my career. Santana, where the hell did you even develop this ‘gangsta persona’? You think just because you watched ‘Boyz in Da Hood’ a couple of times on repeat and bought a couple of N.W.A CDs, you’re suddenly a hardcore, cop killing thug or some shit? Hell, you can’t even compose a decent rhyme let alone claim to be ‘gangsta’. I’ve met Suburban Middle American white kids, who consider cow tipping to be a drive-by, that are more ‘gangsta’ than you! Does your mom lay out your overly apparent ‘mall gangsta’ outfits on your bed each morning? Shit, I wouldn’t be surprised to see you wearing Phat Farm next. You look like a walking advertisement for MTV and countless rappers shitty clothing lines. You’ve got everything from G-Unit to Shady to Roc-a-Wear in there and it makes you look like even more of a fraud!” “I want to kick you in the teeth every time you stumble through a poorly written verse,” Starr continues; “don’t think I didn’t catch you last week when you stole that Sonny Bono rhyme from Eminem either, you’re not all that original to begin with but shit, now you’re biting other people’s work? Now seriously, tell me, when did you suddenly become gangsta? I’m from Philadelphia; I’ve seen my fair share of ghettoes and real life gangsters, not like Tupac in Juice or Robert DeNiro in Casino, but actual gangsters, willing to kill you and your entire family for a quick dollar. You though? You grew up in Elizabeth, New Jersey, shit at least if you going to tell people you were born in such a shitty state, pick a respectable ‘gangsta’ area, like Newark! You can’t be ghetto when less than ten percent of your city lives under the poverty line Santana, and even though almost half the population is Hispanic, you know all Spanish people are related, so that’s like what, you and six generations of your family, all who floated here in a door through the Gulf of Mexico? Get the fuck out of here you stereotypical embarrassment! Shit, the Bloods and Crips may stop fighting for one day and join together just to beat your ass for perpetrating as hard as you do!” StarrZoë laughs; “After I get down beating you from ring post to ring post this week, you’ll be a lot less Latin King and a lot more suburban white collar insurance salesman. I’ll beat you white, I swear to God. I’m smack you so silly you’re wake up voting Republican and listening to John Mayer and Bruce Springsteen! Don’t think for a minute though that you can turn my words around on me Santana, just because my entrance music is ‘Who Shot Ya?’ by the Notorious B.I.G that you can call me a fake gangster. See, I’m from a city that’s had the highest murder rate in the country; you’re from a city that’s been voted as one of ‘America’s 50 Greenest Cities’! Philly’s been nicknamed ‘Killadelphia’, you’re from a city that sounds like its been named after the Queen of England. Just because you add an ‘a’ to the end of words where it doesn’t belong and slaughter the English language doesn’t mean you can ‘187 my ass’, you’re no where near Ice-T, shit you’re not even as gangster as Coco! You have tribal tattoos for Christ sake, just like countless thousands of ‘fraternity bros’ on college campuses each year. Did you and your Ivy League friends used to ‘ice’ each other in Princeton? Don’t get all excited, I’m not validating your fake image and asking you if you’ve ever killed someone, I’m asking you if you’ve ever forced one of the white kids you used to share a house with to drink a berry flavored wine cooler. That would of course be before the entire house took a group shower while Color Me Badd played in the background, right?” “I hate everything about you,” Alexander continues, dying out his cigarette in the ashtray, “from poorly written raps to your even more poorly displayed in-ring skills. How do you have the balls to call out Mark Dalton as someone you’ve never seen before when you disappeared from Warped since December of last year! I guess the shoes on the other foot this week though, huh you stupid jumping bean? This time, I’m the one that’s never heard of you, I’m the one that’s the hands-down favorite to win, and you’re just an easy win, just adding more padding to my wins record. This is usually when I would start cursing ethnics out in their native language, but I don’t want to be accused of smuggling cocaine or whatever it is Mexicans do when they’re not hopping boarders or selling oranges on the freeway. That reminds me, are you even legal? Because I don’t wan INS stopping me in the middle of the ass whipping I’m going to give you because your Green Card isn’t valid or some shit. I’m going to leave you dead on Broad Street this week Santana. I’ll add yet another number to the Philadelphia body count and it’s going to be the first time in the history of my fine city that everyone, including the cops, are in agreement that it was a justifiable homicide and really, you were just asking for it. I’ll be doing the world a favor by getting rid of your silly ass. I suggest you get ready now Santana. Get your donkey, your sombrero, and your poncho ready so that when the Mariachi band plays you off into the sunset, you can return to whatever hole-in-the-wall village you’re from south of the boarder and take a nap against a cactus or whatever.” StarrZoë sighs; “Seriously Joey, what the fuck are you doing to me here? I’ve done more in the last four months of my career than this asshole has in four years! While Santana was off being driven to New York City once a month with his white friends and their rich parents in their mommy’s S.U.V so Chad could go back to school and tell the rest of his suburban friends ‘yo, I chilled in da city wit da homiez yoz’ when in reality he was eating at an Applebee’s in Time Square or cuddling with his boyfriends watching the sunset from the top of the Statue of Liberty, which is the only time’s actually be inside a woman mind you, I was winning championships and ending careers. Shit, Santana, even your own people don’t want you! The leader of the National Mexican-American Anti-Defamation League commented on you earlier this week when I called his office to get a quote on you, someone considered, in your words I suppose a ‘Mexican-American celebrity and a man of his people’. The quote? Oh it was a classic; ‘I don’t think he’s actually Mexican and if he is, we no longer consider him to be. Hell, his first name is Chad, that’s about as white as you can get! I think he went to a private all boys’ school too, so at this rate, he’s white and gay. No, no thank you, but some other ethnic group can claim him.’ God damn, even a Mexican dude in a suit that works in Washington, D.C. thinks you’re too white!” “Last week,” Alex laughs, “your fifty brothers and sisters watched you defeat a complete nobody. This week, an arena full of rabid StarrZoë fans will cheer like the Phillies just won another World Series as I stick the nail in the coffin of your career. Maybe if I bring enough tortillas to South Philly, I can get the audience to throw them all into the ring at the same time after I’ve left you in a crumbled mess in the ring. Maybe the ‘reminds of home’ will make it easier for you to accept the fact that your career is over. You can’t even begin to understand how much I hate you and the problem is I know so little about you! I imagine it can’t be a huge boost to your ego that the minimal first impression you give people makes them want to punch toddlers, light puppies on fire and then extinguish that fire by beating said puppies with kittens. I hope you die, I really do and no, that’s not a metaphor. I hope you contract A.I.D.S from a bathhouse at a young age causing you to painfully and slowly die. Only then will you truly understand the horrid suffering you cause the world with your constant act of, well…living. Don’t get it twisted either kiddo; this isn’t my first time at the rodeo so to speak. I will slaughter you and your entire family if I have to. I will make the Alamo look like child’s play the way I’ll leave dead Mexicans in my wake.” StarrZoë finishes up his speech; “This probably won’t be the last time you hear from me this week Santana. I look forward to hearing you attempt at polishing the turd you call a career and bullshitting your way into a positive light when everyone in the world knows you lack the basic skills of even breathing through your nose let alone being successful in a wrestling match. Just as an aside to Joey Matthews here though; if I have to play one more game of ‘Kick the Retard’ after I defeat yet another unknown, I will personally show up to your office and not leave until I’m given a decent match. I don’t care if that means sleeping on to of your desk and fucking your secretary to keep myself entertained. Do not downplay me again, that’s the last thing you’d want to do when you have such unadulterated talents like myself at your disposal. I could take Warped to the next level. I could singlehandedly bring Warped to the mountaintop, carry this entire promotion on my back to the Promise Land. You’ve given the reigns to people like Korrupt and SwitchBlade, but look where it’s gotten you. Now its time to rely on already established and guaranteed talents, you’re a smart guy Joey, I know you are, you rallied to get my here, now lets take it one step further and solidify Warped as the single greatest promotion in this industry. You won’t make it there as quickly without me though, remember there.” The scene fades as StarrZoë stares out the window off into the distance. |
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