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| Jew Want It? Jew You Got! | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jun 3 2011, 09:24 PM (94 Views) | |
| Starr | Jun 3 2011, 09:24 PM Post #1 |
Everybody knows I'm a motherfuckin' monster!
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“How far up his own ass does this jerkoff have his head?!” the familiar voice of Championship Wrestling Council North American Champion Alexander StarrZoë says coolly, a confident smile on his face. With a cigarette dangling between his lips. Both Starr’s dress and location are odd and stand out far more than the man himself. Starr is adorned in a floral printed bathing suit, rounded Aviator sunglasses, and is standing shirtless on a beautiful white sandy beach, his feet submerged in white sand. Behind the champion, the sun slowly sets in a purplish yellow and orange haze, the dark red orb slowly dipping behind the darkened horizon and into the crystal clear waters. StarrZoë turns his view over his shoulder toward the water and back smiling broadly still, exhaling the smoke from his cigarette upward toward the cloudless sky. “Poor Craig Cohen, what’s going through your mind man? Please tell me your only defense isn’t that I’m unimportant in your eyes and since I’m new here, I’m unproven, I’m begging you man, tell me you’re not THAT stupid. Maybe Rico Calle beat you stupid, knocked a few too many brain cells out of your head, or maybe you were just born retarded and I’m the only one that’s been nice enough to bring it to your attention. I don’t really know and honestly, I don’t give a fuck.” StarrZoë continues; “What I do know though is that the entire time you were speaking, I only heard three things, and you spoke for damn near an hour! First of course, was that you’ve never heard of me, so that must mean I’m unimportant. Secondly, it seems that you focused more on Rico Calle than you did me, and third, my jokes were unfunny and you’ve heard them before. That’s all you’ve got for me kiddo? I go out of my way, not only to introduce myself to you and all of Warped, but to really prove a point, make an impact, and of course, crack a few jokes that I personally think are more on par with the likes of George Carlin or Richard Prior than anyone in professional wrestling, and you just blow me off? Well Craig, do me a favor, kick back, have a coke and a smile, and shut the fuck up. Close your mouth, open your ears, and absorb the information I’m about to grace you with. So I’m a joke to you, am I Cohen? You don’t associate with my type, is that correct? You don’t associate with, as you put it ‘bullshit’? You sad, ignorant, uneducated, and overall confused little man, you have NO IDEA the depths of the grave you’re digging for yourself. Look around me Craig; you’ve probably taken notice of where I am. It’s not just any beach though; it’s a beautiful beach, calm and almost untouched by human hands.” “Allow me to introduce to you,” StarrZoë says, dragging his cigarette, “Key CWC, a private island owned by Championship Wrestling Council. Though as beautiful as it is, no matter how clear the water, or how white the sand; Key CWC is not a vacation destination. There’s no plane that flies here from your local airport, and no bot departs from the harbors of the biggest city, taking hundreds of thousands of people each year to the island to visit resort hotels or rent beachfront bungalows. There are no overpriced bars that only play Jimmy Buffet and Bob Marley while suburban parents drop $40 on mixed drinks. Why am I telling you all this Cohen? Why am I going on and on about how this place is more isolated than Siberia? Because the entire island is reserved only for that oversized stadium just a few miles from the beach and the people on the CWC roster that competed in the Ascension Tournament. That’s where I’m going with this Craig; you, YOU of all people, consider me to be unimportant? That’s odd to me Cohen, because I’ve been competing in CWC for over a year, have won two championships within the promotion, and I’m considered one of the top competitors there. Yet…I’ve never seen you on Key CWC, I’ve never seen you in a CWC ring, and I’ve never seen a CWC Championship around your waist. If anything around here is bullshit Cohen, it’s those illusions of grader you have in your head about your career and those disillusions how your importance to this industry.” Alex laughs; “I love the irony here; Cohen has told the world that I’m a big name ‘apparently’, but ‘only in my own mind’. Its funny really, a man who I’ve never heard of, who is only considered popular, if you can even give him that much, in Warped, who has NO national acclaim at all, is talking down to ME, a multiple World Champion in countless promotions and you have the balls to talk down to me. You blasphemous asshole, how dare you take the name of God himself in vein like that? You will be punished, I promise I WILL spite thee with a wrath unseen in history. Unlike your prophet in the First Testament, unlike his messenger son in the second, I shall rain down upon you with suffering unlike any human has experienced before. Forget a plague of locust or three days of darkness, I will bring upon you the plague of suffering and pain. You arrogant, worthless son of a bitch, I am shocked by your misguided arrogance! You think just because you love professional wrestling, that you’re dedicated to it that makes you any better at what you do? That it means you should be here? History listen Mr. Cohen, something you should know a bit about; Adolf Hitler, a horrible, horrible human being; was particularly good at mass genocide. He was a manipulative and corrupt man, evil to the definition. He was good at what he did and a horrid human being, but just because he was phenomenal at executing people, that doesn’t mean he was right. On the contrary, he was wrong, dead wrong, to the very core of his soul, he failed at the most basic ideals of being a human being.” “What does all of this mean? Why am I being so controversial as to compare a Jewish man to Adolf Hitler? Simply because I enjoy making my point unarguable! Hitler was good at achieving his goals and bad at something as simply as being a decent person! That’s where the comparison is drawn; you may love professional wrestling, you may be GOOD at professional wrestling, but that doesn’t mean you should be here, that doesn’t mean you should continue to wrestle. To continue this metaphor; I suppose I will have to serve the purpose of the Allies in World War Two and take down a disillusioned and loud mouth man who has developed beliefs that some may subscribe to, but all should and will soon realize how wrong and misguided every cherished and hallowed thought you shared with the public. You will be…’cleansed’ if you will, from this business. Professional wrestling will be ‘purified’ of the worthless and untalented likes of Craig Cohen. See how far you’ve pushed me Craig? With all those ignorant and unfounded words, you’ve caused me offend an entire faith of people! Let it be known before I continue, that I am in no way prejudice against Jewish people, I have just taken it to the full extent to prove to the world that a single member of a single religion has done wrong against a more powerful entity of the world.” Alexander sighs; “I must ask you this though Craig. If, in an indisputable fact, I am the closet thing professional wrestling will ever see that is comparable to God and you are considered the ‘Chose One’…who the fuck chose you? That’s the entertaining thing Cohen, I’m considered the ‘Most Entertaining Man in Wrestling’, so congratulations, you’ve reached the pinnacle when you’ve made me take a second look, you’ve been pleading ignorance for days now, come on man, be realistic, don’t act like you don’t know me. The first thing that probably happened when you told your parents that I was opponent for Warped 27 was that they asked you to get my autograph for them! Shit, you’ve probably got a poster of me hanging up above your bed! Don’t get confused either Cohen, I know the truth, I know that every word out of my mouth is concrete. See, when I say ‘Alexander StarrZoë is the best in the business’ people nod their heads in agreement. Just like the sky is blue and the grass is green, when I sing my own praise, its always proven, it’s a God damn fact! Hell, the New York Times could dedicate an entire paper to my quotes and me and never once use a fact checker! You though, you’re lying to these people, hell you’re lying to yourself! When you tried to compare me to yourself and tell these people that in fact, you were the better competitor, the more important person, you had to convince everyone, including yourself!” “Shit, you even hesitated,” Starr continues, “when you were speaking, as though to, in an inner monologue, you were asking yourself ‘is anyone really going to believe this? Even I know it’s not true. Alexander is going to kill me when we get into a ring.’ So you’ve beaten on hundreds of people that you can’t remember, though you have the scars to prove that the ‘bouts actually existed’? Well, to be honest with you and probably to echo the thoughts of countless people, you shouldn’t have to ‘prove’ you actually had drag down, knockout fights with people in such an ‘illustrious career’ as I’m sure you would say if, well you know…PEOPLE ACTUALLY FUCKING KNEW ANYTHING ABOUT YOU! I’ll never once have to show people a scar, a championship belt, or even a damn video of one match I’ve ever had because there’s thousands of people around the globe that have followed my career since day one. On the other hand, there are the scrubs of this business, like you Cohen, that have gone nowhere and done absolutely nothing, hoping to find their big break and make a name for themselves in a single match and in this case in particular, probably against one of your biggest idols. I bet after the match is over, I’ll catch you living the arena with the biggest smile on your face, wearing a Starr t-shirt, and thinking ‘wow, I just got my ass kicked by my favorite wrestler, this is the happiest moment of my life!’ Keep on lying to yourself and these people if you want, but you can’t fool me Craig, I know the truth. I’m everybody’s favorite wrestler’s favorite wrestler, you’re no different.” StarrZoë continues; “You sound like a conflicted young man Craig. First you claim Professional Wrestling is your heart and soul, it’s what you love, and you speak about how much its done for you, affording you opportunities no normal person would have, yet in the same sentence, you do a 180 and ask management for more cash? Maybe that’s why you’ve gotten your ass handed to you on so many occasions; you can’t make yourself believe what you say, seems to be a trend lately, and deep down inside, you’re doing this for the money. But do you know why you’re not getting paid as much as you’d like and definitely not getting paid as much as me, the newest signee to Warped Wrestling? Because management knows how horrid you are in the ring and sees no purpose to actually pay you more just so you can continue to lose. Oh, but have to fear young Mr. Cohen, Warped management did find a purpose for you, a way for you to entertain the fans, and I can say it seems like a pretty good fit. You see, they’ve decided to feed you to the wolves. They knew very well that under no circumstance would you ever believe you would be beaten, but deep down, everyone in this place and everyone who will ever witness our match up knows that you’re just a stupidly stubborn individual and the perfect person for me to launch my reign of success in Warped against. Fact from fairy tale, really Cohen? Lets just compare the facts, shall we? Starr; multiple time World Champion. Craig Cohen; a talentless hack who has been perpetually stuck in a rut since the beginning of his career, the only fairy tale here is whatever Disney ending you’ve concocted in your head where you actually defeat me.” “I’m not paying any attention to your odd ramblings,” Alex laughs, “about how downfalls will defeat me, as I’m pretty sure it’s quite obvious that I have no downfalls. I would hope that you would listen to the rumors you’ve heard about me Craig, because I’m willing to wager that they’re all true. ‘He’s the toughest son of a bitch to ever step into a ring!’ Yeah, completely true just like ‘he’s the most talented human being in professional wrestling, a human highlight reel!’ So no, don’t train ‘just like’ I was the toughest opponent you’ve ever faced because you wouldn’t be training hard enough. I AM the toughest opponent you will EVER face in your entire career, past, present, or future. I’m not underestimating you by any means Cohen; I’m giving you your just due. I just have so little respect for you or your abilities that it probably comes across as me thinking less of you, while in reality, the most highly I could ever think of you is probably ‘he’ll eventually be able to beat a partially retarded and crippled midget if you takes steroids for a few years and mastered martial arts.’ Your talents are so poor; you have no chance of EVER reaching the top of Warped. It’s partially because I’m stopping you and will put an end to your career this week, yes. But if I never entered into Warped, you still wouldn’t make it, because you don’t have what it takes hack it at the bottom of the pile, yet alone the king of it all. Shit, you’d probably crumble under the physical weight of the World Championship, so lets not even talk metaphorically; your pre-Evolution intelligence could not handle it.” Starr sighs; “I am depressed though, according to Craig, it’s the end for me, and it seems like its only just begun. I mean, this big, strong, oh so very talented and destructive monster is going to put an end to my career in Warped before it even gets off the ground. I believe this may happen around the same time that Harold Camping correctly predicts the end of the world or that Craig Cohen finally takes that massive dick out of his mouth so I can understand half of his slurred speech and his disconnected thoughts. Jesus Christ man, do you just go through life unable to connect idea in your head to the shit that actually spews from your mouth? I had an easier time understanding Terri Schiavo’s last words! You keep playing with fire and you’re going to get burned Cohen. You don’t spit in the wind, you don’t tug on Superman’s cape, and for the love of God, you don’t willfully agree to step into a wrestling ring with Alexander StarrZoë! So there you have it Craig, like I said earlier this week, its going to be fun, I promise, only it’s going to be a hell of a lot more fun establishing my career by defeating you than it will be having your career destroyed by a new comer. See you soon buddy!” |
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2:37 PM Jul 11









