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| A Long List of Jewish Jokes | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: May 29 2011, 07:10 PM (123 Views) | |
| Starr | May 29 2011, 07:10 PM Post #1 |
Everybody knows I'm a motherfuckin' monster!
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“Never ask a man to do something, that you yourself would not do!” an unfamiliar voice echoes through the darkness before us. Little of anything can really be heard as the voice fades; maybe the remote noise far off in the distance is the soft, constant patter of water leaking from a spigot? Is that almost inaudible “thud” the sound of feet high above walking across aged concrete? Suddenly and without warning, a faint orange ember glows to life before us, illuminating, though only a small radius, the surroundings we see. A dank and gray room, the walls an aging rock, cracked and fading. The ground smooth cement, water marked and cracked as well. The glowing light seems to move slightly in the darkness, jumping almost, though only a few inches. It becomes stationary and glows deeper for a moment, allowing us to see the source; a cigarette burning, affixed to the mouth of someone sitting in a straight back metal chair. The facial features of the person seem to be male, his hair short and his eyes, though shrouded in darkness; have a piercing glint to them. The sound of someone clearing his or her throat can be heard and the same echoing voice can be heard; “and then I said…LET THERE BE LIGHT!” A blinding light burns to life, brightening the room and revealing secrets the darkness held just moments ago. The man before us smiles, a familiar smile almost, as though witnessed once in a dream, or in a lifetime many years ago; “I’m still here mon frère” the man laughs confidently, looking at his surroundings, absorbing the energy of the moment. “Pop quiz, who am I?” the man pauses only for an instant for dramatic effect; “if you answered anything other than ‘the single greatest human being in the history of this business’, not only are you wrong, but you didn’t do your homework! My list of accolades reads like the entirety of some Hall of Fames! For those of you that don’t remember, let me refresh your member; PrYde Wrestling World Champion, PrYde Wrestling Evolution Champion, Championship Wrestling Hardcore Champion, and of course, Championship Wrestling Council North American Champion, the list goes on and on. For those who are witnessing me speak right now; feel honored that Alexander StarrZoë, the most talented professional wrestling to ever be born, has graced you. My presence is a present! Alexander ‘Starr’ StarrZoë, the name is not coincidental! ‘The Starr of the Show’, ‘the Most Entertaining Man in the World!’ What do all these names have in common? They’re not just nicknames or witty monikers, they’re truths about me, about the top of the top, the end all be all, God’s gift not only to wrestling, but to the world as a whole!” “Though, lets forget all that, let’s forget about the former championship wins, about the undefeated records, about all the success in the past and focus on present day; about Alexander StarrZoë becoming the newest member of the Warped Wrestling roster, about the most successful member of the Championship Wrestling Council coming to the most successful and well respected regional promotion in this industry! Imagine the possibilities, Alexander StarrZoë, the best this business has to offer, now in Warped Wrestling, the best promotion this business has to offer! The contracts are signed, the paperwork all notarized and mailed off. Its official now and Starr is just moments from entering a Warped ring! Unfortunately, it’s not in the best of situations. Has anyone heard the news? My debut match-up is against Craig Cohen; the problem here? WHO THE FUCK IS CRAIG COHEN?! Maybe management is playing a joke on me? Maybe they thought I was a different Alexander StarrZoë? Why would the staff put their most talented competitor up against someone so…so…mundane?! Don’t think I’m just talking out of my ass though, that I’m going into this blindly. I’ve done my research, I know a bit about my opponent; turns out he’s a cookie cutter nobody with a bunch of semi-funny Jew jokes. He looks like every other person in this business with shitty cracks about using a yarmulke as a Frisbee or some shit.” StarrZoë continues; dying his cigarette out in the ashtray next to him; “If I were you Cohen, I would think twice about this match. Do you really want to challenge a person who has more talent and has won more championships in the last three months than you have in your entire career? Look here you descendant of a Hot Pocket, implying of course that at least a small portion of your ancestors were cooked in large ovens, this will not end well for you, I promise. You know what the real kicker is here? Management at Warped asked me to come here, they actually went out of their way to preside me to sign a contract, and they were overjoyed about the idea of having Alexander StarrZoë on the roster. You though? I don’t know what hole in the wall you crawled out of, where you trained and gained your ‘incredible wrestling skills’, but you sure as hell aren’t relevant! Losing to me will be the biggest thing to happen in your career thus far! You’ll gain more exposure by getting your jaw broken by me this week than you ever could by being successful! Shit, I bet you’re a trending topic right now on Google since people have heard that you’ll be the next name on a long list of victims! Don’t be confused Cohen, this match isn’t being billed as ‘Alexander StarrZoë verses Craig Cohen’, on the contrary my friend, it’s being billed as ‘Alexander StarrZoë beating the shit out of yet another talentless excuse for a wrestler.’ You’re just filler in this match, I’m the reason people are buying the tickets!” “Wake up call Cohen,” Starr continues, standing and cracking his neck; “no one cares about you. You have got to be, and I say this without any sense of over exaggeration, the single most irrelevant people not only in this promotion, but also in this business! I’ve got your Zyklon B right here. I’m going to kill your career faster than a gas chamber in Auschwitz! The time has come to rectify a few wrongs; you must be out of your mind Cohen; this is how children become orphans! You’re gambling with your career and you know the house always wins! Management gave you the rope Craig, you hung yourself up, and all I’m doing is kicking away the chair. Don’t fuck with the man that has the power not only to end your career, but also to end your entire life! But the time this match is over with, you’ll be staring up at the lights of the arena, countless bones within your body broken, thinking ‘Jesus Christ, I need to find a new career, something safer; like underwater demolition.’ I will cause you to hate those that run Warped simply for putting you in this match, you’ll rethink your career choice…if I allow you to live.” StarrZoë continues; “You better say goodbye to everyone you love Cohen, kiss your mother one last time, and donate everything to charity; you’re not going to need worldly processions where I’m sending you kiddo. We’re going to hell, so if I were you, I would bring my sunblock. The thing is, only of us is coming back. You think you’ve got what it takes to do the one thing more than a hundred people in ten years couldn’t? More power to you man, but I would say a few Birkhat Ha Gomel if I were you, all in hopes that your God is a benevolent one, maybe he’ll look down upon the world and see that one of his ‘chosen people’ is in grave danger? Though, if someone nailed my son to a piece of wood…I wouldn’t be too happy with him or her either, so good luck. Goddamn this is going to be fun Craig; I’ll get to destroy yet another career and climb to the top of yet another promotion! I’ll always remember you though Cohen as the first in a long line of people in Warped Wrestling that I have destroyed in a short period of time. Good luck you penny pinching caricature, I’m going to give you a beating that can only be described as something out of the First Testament.” The scene fades. |
![]() Starr @ Twitter | Starr @ The eWrestling Wiki | |
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2:37 PM Jul 11
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2:37 PM Jul 11









