| Jokes Thread | |
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| Topic Started: Dec 26 2007, 01:47 PM (1,021 Views) | |
| Kiltedmuff | Feb 18 2009, 06:48 PM Post #81 |
The Kilted One
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sometimes the old ones are the best.  Just like me. 
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| the mighty coco | Feb 18 2009, 07:43 PM Post #82 |
4th admin of the apocalypse!!!
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lol, best joke on here, hahahaha |
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| Kiltedmuff | Feb 18 2009, 07:53 PM Post #83 |
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The Kilted One
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Come on Coco mate. Don't be so hard on yourself. Not EVERYONE thinks your a joke. 
Edited by Kiltedmuff, Feb 18 2009, 07:55 PM.
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| the mighty coco | Feb 18 2009, 08:42 PM Post #84 |
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4th admin of the apocalypse!!!
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lol, snappy comeback but we know who the joke's on. |
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| Renegade336 | Feb 19 2009, 02:35 PM Post #85 |
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Two ropes walk in to a bar, one rope calls the bartender and says “Barkeep, let me get a couple of beers.” The bartender says “I’m sorry we don't serve ropes in here.” Frustrated the ropes walk out and, since this was the only bar in town, they thought about it a little while when finally one rope says “I’ve got an idea.” So he gets him self into a bind and frizzles his ends and walks back into the bar and says “Barkeep, can I get a couple of beers.” The barkeep says “Sure, but aren’t you those same two ropes that came in here earlier?” The rope answers “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.” |
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| Renegade336 | Feb 19 2009, 02:48 PM Post #86 |
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Q: What's the definition of an Impotent Loser? Spoiler: click to toggle |
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| EvilGhostie | Mar 10 2009, 04:12 PM Post #87 |
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Nurses aren't supposed to laugh.... 'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.' 'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure. 'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?' 'It's swollen,' Fred replied. She ran out of the room. |
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| cybadaz | Apr 4 2009, 08:07 AM Post #88 |
Self Pleasuring Simian
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bump this thread ... apparently we aint funny enough , but its hard to tell jokes when cooking bacon from my little camoflagued tent 
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| cybadaz | Apr 4 2009, 05:21 PM Post #89 |
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Self Pleasuring Simian
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whats blank n white and red all over --- a newspaper .. hahahahahahahhahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa god its crazy being in such a wacky zany clan , full of outrageous jokes custard pie throwing and bonkers tomfoolery --- laugh ? i wet my self laffing , actually ive read such funny stuff on the internet over the last day or so i had a wee dribble !!! |
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| Gee | Apr 4 2009, 05:48 PM Post #90 |
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Sometimes I laugh so hard that I wee a little |
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| MeatyFiend | Apr 30 2009, 11:47 AM Post #91 |
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A man is waiting in the hospital for his wife to give labor. when the doctor walks up to him all excited. Doctor: Sir you have to see this, your son, he is a super hero. The man is all confused by this statement So the doctor takes him into the nursery and picks up the the mans baby Doctor: See, he can fly... and drops the baby. The baby hits the floor and bounces a little bit. The Man gets all pissed off.. Man: Hey what the Fuck if your problem.. Doctor: NO I ASSURE YOU!! Your baby is a super hero watch, maybe he just needs a head start. So the doctor picks the baby back up and runs through the nursery and throws the baby. The baby slams right in to the wall head first and lays on the floor. The man is even more mad now. Doctor: I don't know why it isn't working maybe he needs to fall further to make his flying abilities work right. The doctor then Grabs the baby off of the floor and takes it to the window and drops him. The baby falls and lands on the pavement. The Man is beside himself Man: I am going to kill you you piece of shit. Why would you do that? Doctor: No, No, It's ok, It's ok, it was just a joke, It was just a joke... Your Baby was a stillborn... |
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| MeatyFiend | Apr 30 2009, 12:09 PM Post #92 |
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dunno if peeps have read these before but fuck it... warning, not for easily offended people..... What happens when you put a baby in the microwave for 10 minutes? I dunoo i was too busy jerking off! My girlfriend was sitting on the bed the other day and asked me how to spell Peadophile and I replied...Thats an awfully big word for a six year old! What has two legs and bleeds profusely? ..... Half a cat. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third $imply asks for a mug of hot water. "Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender. The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!" This man pulls up in his Merc beside a little boy. He opens the door, holds out a brown paper bag of sweets and says, "Hey kid, if I give you a sweetie, will you come in my car." To which the kid replies, "Gimme the bag and I'll come in your mouth!" ---------------------------------------------------------------- Imagine my joy when I was getting out the Christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box. Shame it was a puppy. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ After taking a car full of kids to accident and emergency with embedded glass and cuts to their foreheads.... I've decided to stop counting how many spastics it takes to change a lightbulb. --------------------------------------------------------------------- "Arguing with someone on the internet is like competing in the special olympics......even if you win your still retarded!" What does a black epileptic have written on his t-shirt? Help me, I'm not breakdancing! Don't bother sending your children's toys to Africa. Can you imagine how depressing it must be for those kids to receive a Tamagotchi that's going to outlive them? Q: Why are women like screen doors? A: Once they get banged a few times,they loosen up. Q: What’s a wife? A: An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done. Q: How do you make your wife scream for an hour after sex? A: Wipe your dick on the curtains. Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? A: His hand caught fire. Whats the best thing about sex with kids? Getting to kick them to death in the woods afterwards ------------------------------------------------------------------ Josef Fritzl appeared on Family Fortunes the other week. He was doing really well until he was asked to name a place you take your kids for a treat. "Up the shitter" wasnt one of the available answers. What's the difference between princess Diana and Thomas the tank engine? Thomas made it through the tunnel. |
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| paradox | Apr 30 2009, 12:41 PM Post #93 |
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your going to burn in hell you evil little twatter lol ;) |
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| MeatyFiend | May 17 2009, 05:35 PM Post #94 |
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Mr T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of naughts and crosses. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ What's yellow, green, red and purple and squeals? The Teletubbies being gang raped |
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| Kiltedmuff | Jun 27 2009, 01:06 AM Post #95 |
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The Kilted One
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Ok time to roll out all the Michael Jackson jokes that have been doing the rounds. What's the difference between Michael Jackson & Alex Ferguson? Alex Ferguson will still be playing Giggs in August. Police have confirmed that Michael Jackson didn't in fact die of a heart attack. They have revealed he was out walking in the park with his youngest child in a baby stroller when the bright morning sun caught his eyes and blinded him, causing him to trip over the top of the stroller and crack his head on the ground. Police have said "don't blame it on the sunshine, blame it on the buggy"
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| Ragnars Blade | Jun 30 2009, 01:57 PM Post #96 |
Meaty is my Biatch!!
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It's true that Micheal Jackson didn't die of a heart attack..... He was found on the children's ward having a stroke..... 
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| the mighty coco | Jul 25 2009, 09:53 PM Post #97 |
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4th admin of the apocalypse!!!
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a scotsman moves to brum and opens a shop, fed up with the jock getting all the customers the brummie shopkeeper on the left of him decides to paint his shop yellow and to write on the entrance; "greatest shop in the country" so that he will get more clients. the shop keeper on the right of the jock decided to do the same but wrote the text: "greatest shop in the world". the scotsman simply writes "entrance" above his door. ;) |
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| the mighty coco | Aug 14 2009, 03:30 PM Post #98 |
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4th admin of the apocalypse!!!
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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!' That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.' She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?' John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.' 'Oh, that is so very nice indeed, John!' Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.' She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come. |
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| ivadirty1 | Aug 21 2009, 07:22 PM Post #99 |
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Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community. After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while. So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax. So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a fookin' towel!' |
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| ivadirty1 | Aug 21 2009, 07:25 PM Post #100 |
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One day a little Indian boy walked up to the chief and said "Me ready for women." The chief said "Before you can have a real women, you must go into the woods and practice on the trees for three days" The Indian boy said "Ok," and went off into the woods. Three days later, he returns and says "Me ready for women." The Indian chief says "Pick out any woman you want and take her inside the teepee." The boy picked a women, escorted her into the teepee and said "Take off all your clothes, bend over and grab your ankles." The women asked "Why?", but the boy told her to just to bend over. The women bent over, and the boy kicked her in the ass. "Why the hell did you do that?" she asked. "Just checking for bees." replied the boy. |
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| ivadirty1 | Aug 21 2009, 07:27 PM Post #101 |
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Boy comes home and tells his parents he has just had sex for he first time. The proud Dad says 'I'll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you will have to wait until next pay day" the boy replies 'that's alright Dad, my arse is too sore to ride it anyway' Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night. They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves. What is the medical term for the fatty tissue surrounding the clitoris? The wife Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, 'How dare you call me a slapper, get out of my bed right now and take your f****ing mates with you' Hubby has ' I love you' tatooed on his penis, and goes home to show his wife, she says 'There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth' A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted 'He's behind you!' disclaimer........ all these jokes came from my brother so blame him.... I'll be dragging him in here soonish to meet ya all anyway |
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| ivadirty1 | Aug 23 2009, 11:06 AM Post #102 |
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Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... =============== Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out. Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button? Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note. Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk.. sorry.... =============== Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left? =============== Tech support: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello.... I can't print. Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and. Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates. =============== Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print.. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it... ============== = Customer: I have problems printing in red... Tech support: Do you have a color printer? Customer: Aaaah...................thank you. =============== Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies. =============== Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: No.. I can't get behind the computer. Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer:! OK Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work... =============== Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ? == ============= Customer: can't get on the Internet. Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars. =============== Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program. Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer. =============== Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears. =============== Tech support: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it? =============== A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. Tech support: Are you running it under windows? Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.' =============== And last but not least... Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P ' to bring up the Program Manager.' Customer: I don't have a P. Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin. Customer: What do you mean? Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin. Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!! |
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| Howlle | Aug 23 2009, 03:37 PM Post #103 |
meatyfiend is brilliant!
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lol, they made me have to find this one. Tech: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." Tech: "What sort of trouble?" Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." Tech: "Went away?" Caller: "They disappeared." Tech: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" Caller: "Nothing." Tech: "Nothing?" Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." Tech: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" Caller: "How do I tell?" Tech: "Can you see the "C" prompt on the screen?" Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?" Tech: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." Tech: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" Caller: "What's a monitor?" Tech: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" Caller: "I don't know." Tech: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" Caller: "...Yes, I think so." Tech: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." Caller: "...Yes, it is." Tech: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" Caller: "No." Tech: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." Caller: "...Okay, here it is." Tech: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." Caller: "I can't reach." Tech: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" Caller: "No." Tech: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark." Tech: "Dark?" Caller: "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." Tech: "Well, turn on the office light then." Caller: "I can't." Tech: "No? Why not?" Caller: "Because there's a power outage." Tech: "A power... a power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" CUST: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." Tech: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?" Tech: "Yes, I'm afraid it is." Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" Tech: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer." Edited by Howlle, Aug 23 2009, 03:37 PM.
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| ivadirty1 | Aug 24 2009, 09:42 PM Post #104 |
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lol howlle A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out. 'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school |
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| ivadirty1 | Sep 7 2009, 09:25 AM Post #105 |
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The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven . . ... which part of your body goes first?" Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first." "What a wonderful answer!" the nun said. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs." The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?" Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!" If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her." The nun fainted. |
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| Johnny | Sep 18 2009, 05:56 PM Post #106 |
Well look happy you stupid bastards...
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When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car. |
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| Johnny | Sep 18 2009, 06:14 PM Post #107 |
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Well look happy you stupid bastards...
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There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror. If you told a lie it would suck you in. One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in. The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in. Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in. |
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