| Jokes Thread | |
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| Topic Started: Dec 26 2007, 01:47 PM (1,020 Views) | |
| cybadaz | Dec 26 2007, 01:47 PM Post #1 |
Self Pleasuring Simian
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Two essex girls goto the parfume counter at boots and try some of their samples. Sharon sprays some on her wrist ,smells it and says "mmm thats nice innit Trace'!?" "yeah , wots it called Shaz ?" asked Trace' "Vein a Moi! , what does that mean?" Sharon asked the Assistant "its french for come to me ' ", Shaz sniffs the perfume again"it dosen't smell like cum to me , wotcha fink Trace?" |
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| the mighty coco | Dec 27 2007, 10:06 PM Post #2 |
4th admin of the apocalypse!!!
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ye know why pirates are called pirates? cos they arr! |
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| cybadaz | Dec 29 2007, 08:10 AM Post #3 |
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Self Pleasuring Simian
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ok i can beat that ..... whats brown and sticky ??? A stick 
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| Gee | Dec 29 2007, 08:11 AM Post #4 |
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Has anyone else just lost the will to live? |
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| the mighty coco | Jan 5 2008, 09:53 PM Post #5 |
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4th admin of the apocalypse!!!
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Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? Both crews were marooned |
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| cybadaz | Jan 6 2008, 01:58 PM Post #6 |
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Self Pleasuring Simian
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a level even i couldnt reach 
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| Oonagh | Jan 6 2008, 02:15 PM Post #7 |
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Oh god coco thats terrible lol |
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| Kiltedmuff | Jan 7 2008, 11:48 AM Post #8 |
The Kilted One
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Ok if we are doing corny jokes. What's orange and sounds like a Parrot? A Carrot!
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| the mighty coco | Jan 17 2008, 11:10 PM Post #9 |
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4th admin of the apocalypse!!!
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two english businessmen are sitting in an empty shop they have just purchased. one says to the other "i wonder how long it'll be til some nosey bastard comes in and asks us what we're selling". just then a scots man pops his head round the door,"hello there, new shop i see. what are you selling" one of the business men replies "arseholes" without missing a beat the scotsman answers "business must be booming, you only have two left" ;) |
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| Kiltedmuff | Jan 18 2008, 09:45 AM Post #10 |
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The Kilted One
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Hehehe Love a good joke about the english.
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| Kizy | Jan 22 2008, 10:38 AM Post #11 |
Target Practice
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Cheap Jokes it is then. Want to hear two short jokes and a long joke? Joke. Joke. Joooooooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkke. Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Holy Shit it's hot in here!" The other muffin says, "Holy Shit... A talking muffin!" There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. |
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| cybadaz | Jan 22 2008, 03:29 PM Post #12 |
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Self Pleasuring Simian
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that joke is sooooooooooo unrealistic , i mean what are the chances of a Scot wanting to go into a shop n put their hand in their pocket anyway 
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| Kizy | Jan 22 2008, 04:47 PM Post #13 |
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Target Practice
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Oh BURN. Now you've started a war Daz. |
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| Ragnars Blade | Jan 22 2008, 05:25 PM Post #14 |
Meaty is my Biatch!!
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What is the definition of indecent??? If it's big enough, hard enough and in far enough, it's IN DECENT!!! |
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| Kizy | Jan 22 2008, 05:40 PM Post #15 |
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Target Practice
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i dont get it 
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| cybadaz | Jan 22 2008, 06:14 PM Post #16 |
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Self Pleasuring Simian
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the definition of exotic ......... using a feather the definition of kinky .......... using the whole chicken |
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| Kiltedmuff | Jan 23 2008, 10:05 AM Post #17 |
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The Kilted One
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Hmmm! your right Daz. Probably about the same chance as an englishman actually getting off his arse and doing a proper job.
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| the mighty coco | Jan 23 2008, 10:14 AM Post #18 |
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4th admin of the apocalypse!!!
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A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"
Edited by the mighty coco, Jan 23 2008, 10:14 AM.
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| Kizy | Jan 23 2008, 09:14 PM Post #19 |
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Target Practice
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*shakes head* |
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| the mighty coco | Jan 27 2008, 10:50 AM Post #20 |
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4th admin of the apocalypse!!!
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What did the zen-master say to the New York City hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything. |
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| the mighty coco | Jan 27 2008, 10:56 AM Post #21 |
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4th admin of the apocalypse!!!
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Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital? A: The ultrasound people. |
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| the mighty coco | Jan 27 2008, 11:04 AM Post #22 |
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4th admin of the apocalypse!!!
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| Oonagh | Jan 27 2008, 02:20 PM Post #23 |
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I love the Goons stuff.... i especially like the song "im walking backwards for Christmas" |
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| Deleted User | Jan 27 2008, 09:19 PM Post #24 |
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Deleted User
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women was helping hubby set up computer, "u now have 2 enter a password". hubby feelin randy tries 2 hint & shock his wife by typing P£NIS - wife fell off her chair laughin when the computer replied PASSWORD REJECTED - NOT LONG ENOUGH hehe |
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| Kiltedmuff | Mar 2 2008, 12:26 PM Post #25 |
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The Kilted One
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A mate emailed this to me last night and i shared it on live. It went down well so thought i'd post it for the rest of you to see. Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven ,God went missing for six days. Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. Heenquired of God, 'Where have you been?' God pointed downwards through the clouds. 'Look Michael, look what I've made' said God. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?' 'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.' 'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth, 'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.' God continued, pointing to the different countries. This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.' The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, 'What's that?' 'Ah,' said God. That's the North of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.' Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, 'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!' God replied very wisely, 'Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting down South |
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| Ragnars Blade | Mar 3 2008, 10:23 AM Post #26 |
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Meaty is my Biatch!!
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Fantastic!!! |
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| the mighty coco | Mar 3 2008, 12:25 PM Post #27 |
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4th admin of the apocalypse!!!
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A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook" |
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| Ragnars Blade | Mar 3 2008, 02:12 PM Post #28 |
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Meaty is my Biatch!!
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A little girl is playing in the garden while her mother watches from the kitchen. All of a sudden there is the most frightening scream and the little girl comes running into the kitchen crying her eyes out and clutching her hand. 'What ever is the matter?' asks her concerned mum. 'It's my hand' replies the little girl, 'I pricked it on a thistle! It hurts so much!' 'Don't worry,' says mum, 'I will kiss it better.' 'NO mummy!' replies the little girl, 'Get me a glass of cider!' 'What???' asks the shocked mother. 'Quick mummy, get me a glass of cider!!' repeats the little girl. Quite bemused and curious, the mum complies with her daughter and poures her a glass of cider. The little girl grabs the glass and quickly puts her hand into it. 'Aaahhh...... That's better!!' says the little girl. Her mother is still in confused and asks her daughter why she has done this, to which her daughter replies,'Well, my big sister says that whenever SHE gets a prick in her hand, she has to put it in cider!' |
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| the mighty coco | Mar 5 2008, 12:35 AM Post #29 |
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4th admin of the apocalypse!!!
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here's one for the meet up ;) Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door. |
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| Kiltedmuff | Mar 5 2008, 01:31 PM Post #30 |
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The Kilted One
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Nice lol
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| paradox | Mar 5 2008, 04:06 PM Post #31 |
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lol, quality. one for the irish amoungst us. an irish man is rowing a boat in the middle of a field of hay. another irish man drives past and see's him doing this and stops his car. he looks at the irishman in the boat and shouts 'its thick cunts like you that give us irish a bad name' i'd come over there and kick the fuck outa you if i could swim! |
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| Gee | Mar 9 2008, 06:22 PM Post #32 |
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A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Suddenly, a man hollers at him, ''I screwed your mom last night!'' Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him. Again, he hears, ''Your mom was good in bed last night!'' Again, he tries to ignore it. The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says, Spoiler: click to toggle
Edited by Gee, Mar 9 2008, 06:22 PM.
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| Gee | Mar 9 2008, 06:26 PM Post #33 |
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Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!' Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.' He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!' Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!' They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.' The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing' me!' Murphy said, Spoiler: click to toggle
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| Gee | Mar 22 2008, 10:15 AM Post #34 |
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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her." The first man said."You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife," The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, Spoiler: click to toggle
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| Gee | Apr 2 2008, 08:57 PM Post #35 |
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Man gets home from work yells at wife, "Get me a beer before it starts" he drinks it, sits down "Get me another beer before it starts" she replies, "listen here you lazy fat bastard,you walk in here, sit down and start barking out your orders" He says Spoiler: click to toggle
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| Gee | Apr 2 2008, 09:00 PM Post #36 |
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Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff? Spoiler: click to toggle
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| Lonestar | Apr 8 2008, 01:52 PM Post #37 |
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Captain Diego Montoya Garcia Captain Diego Montoya Garcia, of the spanish Armada flagship "Quando" was on the deck one day when his first mate ran up to him and cried "Captain! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!" Captain Diego turned a calm eye to his mate and said "Bring me my red shirt." The first mate ran and got the captains red shirt, which he put on. A fierce battle raged and the Quando was victorious. After the battle, the first mate asked the captain "Sir, why do you don a red shirt before battle?" The captain yawned bravely and said "If I am wounded in battle, the men will not see me bleeding, and they will be inspired." The mate was in awe of his wise captain. Just then, another crewman ran up to the captain and cried "Captain! There are twenty enemy ships on the horizon!" The captain turned to his first mate and ordered "Bring me my brown pants." |
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| Oonagh | Apr 8 2008, 01:56 PM Post #38 |
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lol i like it
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| Kiltedmuff | Apr 10 2008, 12:57 PM Post #39 |
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The Kilted One
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A guy is dating 3 women but can't decide which one to marry. So he meets up with them all and gives them £1000 each and tells them they have a week to do what they want with the money. After a week the first woman returns. She's had a complete makeover and bought a sexy new outfit. "I wanted to look sexy for you my love" she says to him. The second woman returns with a state of the art plasma tv, Xbox 360 and crates of beer. "I spent all the money on things you like my love" she tells him. The third woman returns and hands the guy £2000. "I invested the money and doubled it for you my love" she says. "Wow i'm impressed with you all" he says. So which woman does he marry???? |
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| Kiltedmuff | Apr 10 2008, 01:03 PM Post #40 |
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The Kilted One
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The one with the biggest tits of course ;)
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