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| Welcome to Sectarians of Eliraihah.. We are a group of those striving to create a utopia for roleplayers and writers alike, and provide a shelter from the normal confines of society. On our behalf, enjoy yourself. Your friendly overlord, --Crimson Knight |
| Imagine; don't kill me, it's schoolwork | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 3 2010, 02:16 AM (224 Views) | |
| Post #1 Jan 3 2010, 02:16 AM | Sgt. Tacoz |
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Well, I wanted to get some reviews on the first draft for one of my capstone stories. It's a first draft, not to mention the first time I ever wrote anything in first person, so it may be a bit choppy where I screwed up tense or something. So let me know what you think and any things you can point out for me to change would be appreciated. Without further adieu, "Imagine." “Can you just imagine what it’d be like?” Jacob asked with a simple smile on his face as he fell back onto the grassy hill. His red hair standing out like a lighthouse beacon amidst a stormy sea, though his pale green eyes blended in perfectly. He waved his arms wildly back and forth as if he could make an angel in the tall grass as it swallowed him. “Imagine what?” I said with a mischievous grin as I lifted up my bare foot and pretended to stomp down on his prostrate form, his grey shirt and blue jeans now visibly stained with grass by his thrashing. “Heyheyhey!” He said as he crossed his arms over his chest and flinched. I stopped my foot just before I stepped on his quivering arms and began to laugh at him. “Hahahaha, man, you’re reaction was priceless.” I said as I moved my foot back down to solid ground and doubled over from laughter. “So not cool.” Jacob said as he relaxed back into the angel-making position, his eyes reflecting the clouds in the summer blue sky. “So what did you mean, ‘can you imagine?’” I asked as I plopped into the flowing sea of grass, now risking my own sleeveless red shirt and khaki shorts to the grass’s coloring. “Well, just look at those clouds.” He said as his arm reached up from the grass like a drowning man’s hand pointing to the sparse clouds. “Don’t you ever wonder if something could be up there?” He said as his pointing finger traced the lonely clouds. “Something beyond our neighborhood, beyond these dull cities, something more . . . exciting , I guess.” “Something in the clouds?” I said as I propped myself on my elbow and looked at him. “Yeah, like a castle,” Jacob said with a simple smile spreading his lips. “Or an entire country, or . . . or . . . I dunno, just anything could be up there!” He said closing his fist as if to grab a cloud as it passed over his head. “A . . . Castle . . . riggggggggghhhhhhhhttttttt.” I said as I rolled my eyes. “How would something like that even get off the ground, let alone hide in a cloud?” I said as I fell off of my elbow and laid back into the wavy grass. “Yeah, I mean just imagine what it could be like, a Castle, floating around the world with absolutely no troubles to care about.” He said with a contented sigh. Silence was all that followed. You know the kind, the type filled with whimsical daydreams and thoughts that are given wings to fly into the sun to flash brilliantly, like a firework as it showers colored embers down to the ground. A soft breeze combed through the grass, moving through the silence with its sharp edged whispers weaving through the silent blanket like a needle through soft fabric. “So you really think there could be something up there,” I said as I folded my hands behind my head. “Up in the clouds?” “Yeah,” Jacob said softly, almost as if he was drifting off to sleep. “Just imagine what it would be like.” His words burrowed their way into my mind as we lay there, the sun falling under the horizon. The pastel colors painted through the blue sky like an omen as the sun fell to its grave and the crescent moon arose to power in the sky. I guess I fell asleep under that cratered, pale white face on that rising swell encompassing green grass. I woke up, at least in what felt like the same place, but it was different just by feel. I just stayed there, my eyes closed as I ran my hand through the wispy blades around me as it collapsed and rebound as my touch brushed past it. It was similar, but not the same. I could tell by the textures as the glided over my skin, never catching or scratching, almost as if they were made of silk rather than plant materials. I sat up and opened my eyes to see where it was that I had come to be, and was I surprised. This was nothing like the hill where I made my bed, well except for the tall waves of grass that made their swells with the midnight breeze as it pushed upon them. There was no hill anymore, was probably the first thing I noted. It was some kind of plain, at least that was my guess from the strange amount of wind and the flatness of the terrain. It didn’t account for the strange fog that I saw as I turned around. Behind me where I presumably came from, was a dense fog. It was like a prison wall, solid and unfathomably in strength as it remained against the gusts of wind that were strong enough to catch clothes like parachutes. “Pretty weird, isn’t it?” I turned and saw Jacob, standing there. I had no idea where he had come from, he just was there where emptiness belonged. I could feel a shiver sticking its claws down my spine as my skin pulled tighter to my body. I couldn’t put my tongue on it, but there was definitely something weird going on, wherever we were. “Yeah, I’ve never seen fog like that before. It doesn’t even move when the wind hits it.” I crossed my arms, rubbing my hands to try and get some warmth back into my body. I let out a soft sigh and realized that I could see my breath clinging in the air before me, and here I was wearing a sleeveless shirt and shorts in this now close to freezing temperature. “What ever happened to the idea that summer should warm?” I grumbled as I followed Jacob’s retreating form further into the area. I really had no idea where he was leading me or if he was even leading me anywhere, but I know for sure that it felt like an eternity walking across that sea of grass. I wasn’t really paying attention, my eyes facing down to my now blue colored feet as they trudged over the cold dirt, crushing grass stalks in an oblong sun burst pattern with every fall, but I looked up when I walked into the back of Jacob. “Hey,” I said as I started to look up from the ground that had held my gaze like a magnet holds metal. “Why’d you st. . .” My voice seemed to exist no more. The very feeling of the passage of time seemed to stop as I saw what Jacob had led me to. I couldn’t believe it. There it was, right in front me, a castle. “That . . . That can’t be possible.” I said as I recoiled a little at seeing the shadowed behemoth looming above like some idol of a lost generation. “I told you that I wasn’t crazy. I thought something like this could exist, and here I proved it.” Jacob said as he turned to me, though it wasn’t Jacob anymore. I don’t know who it was, the face I had thought I knew had began to fall away, like a horrible mask. The flesh underneath was older, covered in wrinkles deep as canyons and filled with the waters of wisdom and eyes like wells dug down to retrieve water but pulling up the dust of age. I didn’t know who this face belonged to, but it sure wasn’t my friend’s face. “Who are you?” I said as I took another step back. I tried to look away, but that face that was staring at me was like a hypnotist’s watch and I found it impossible to avoid its gaze. “No,” I managed to get out as I stumbled on something in the grass behind me. “What are you?” “Don’t worry, we’re friends aren’t we?” The ‘thing’ said as it walked up to me where I lay on the ground. I tried to scramble backwards, but my hand fell. No, that’s not really right, it felt as if something had pulled my hand down into the ground. “I won’t hurt you. I promise.” The imposter said as he reached down to grab my hand to pull me up. I could see the smile on his face, but the effect was lost to the ragged bits of flesh from his old face that still clung like dying flies stuck to flypaper. “I can’t say as much for the rest of these people.” He said as he grabbed onto my wrist, yanking me up to me feet and turning me to see what I had thought was a plain before. The tall waves of grass were bending and giving way to invisible entities. Though they weren’t invisible, they were just too low to see. I knew this once I looked down at the hole where my hand had been pulled through to see the gleam of red eyes in the darkness and sanctuary of the dirt. I said nothing as the man lead me towards the castle, though he didn’t seem to be in a rush to get away from whatever it was out in the fields. Maybe it was the sheer size of the shadowy keep that made it seem so close, but it was still a while before we reached the rustic gates. They were old, and that much was obvious. Their black sheen had dulled with rain and wind, torn away in certain spots like little eyes of rust dotting the metal rods. The man paid no mind to the state of the gate and pushed it open with a resounding shriek in the cold air, his hand yanking me through the opening while his other closed it behind me. “What is going on?” I said as I looked around to where he had brought me. “Where is this place, who are you, where’s Jacob?” The questions poured out of my mouth like ink from a spilled bottle. They just came forth, maybe it was the cold or my confusion, but I had to get the answers. “Well,” The strange man said as he rubbed his chin in mock thoughtfulness. “You certainly do have a lot of questions. Questions that I can’t answer.” He stopped making fun of me as he said this, his gaze now earnest as he turned and began to walk into the castle. “There is someone who can though, if you are judged to be fit to enter.” “What do you mean, judged?” I said as I followed the man up the old oak doors. I stopped when he did. I watched his back as he stood there, as if contemplating his answer, or maybe he just found the door fascinating. “You’ll see, soon enough.” The old man said as he opened one of the large doors and was consumed by the darkness inside. I waited, I don’t know why but I could feel my legs wobbling as I waited for a sign of life to show itself from the murky depths. My patience was rewarded by a flickering flame floating inside the doorway, making its way outside when it stopped. The face of the old man appeared hovering in the darkness as the candle illuminated nothing from the neck down. “Are you going to come in?” He said as a disembodied hand of his reached out and ushered me in with its corpse-like finger. I couldn’t help but follow the sickly finger as if it was pulling me behind the man, me being nothing more than a fish stuck on his lure. Relax, nothing bad is going to happen. I thought to myself as I tried to relax and force the image of a fish with a hook through its head out of my mind. That’s what you hope. Now it was a struggle of trust raging in my mind, though one thing was sure, and that was that it was too late to go back now. The only sure way out was forward. The castle was a labyrinth, with one pair of stairs leading up from the parlor entrance and then a myriad of hallways with uncountable amounts of doors lining the walls. The halls burrowed deeper into the castle and then higher, but then they’d be heading down, or to the right, it was all so disorienting as the old man pulled me through the halls. His candle acted like a lure, a dancing firefly amidst palpable darkness, but I could see the doors just find. I couldn’t explain how, maybe I was just imagining things, but then I would see the light illuminating yet another row of doors ahead, and then another, and another and I had to believe that what I saw was real. “Just pick a door, it is how you will be judged. The doors go nowhere particular that only one door can open access to, you just have to pick and hope you are accepted.” The man’s hollow voice echoed in the hallway as he said this, my body still pulled by his candlelight lure. I just watched the doors pass by, opportunities come and gone as we stalked the halls. Suddenly I stopped, something in me just stopped, and in front of me was a door. It was an unassuming door, small and cramped into a corner where most would likely never see it, but it called out to me. The fading finish a patchwork of age and time revealed in layers like the rings of a tree. The fading finishes again, seemed to resemble eyes, but I found the door enticing. I looked over my shoulder when I noticed the light hadn’t faded and saw the old man walking back towards where I stood. “You said to pick any door right?” I said with a slight tremor in my voice as I saw the man’s head grow a body as he pulled the candle closer to himself to get closer to me. I could see his old face as the skin cracked open and the folds of flesh warped into what was supposed to be a smile, but the pale yellow teeth were gapped by sagging flesh and filmed with old blood from visible gum sores in the man’s mouth. “Yes, any door. The Choice is yours.” The man said as he looked over my shoulder at the door I had stopped at. “It’s been a while since anyone picked that door there.” The man said as his eyes glazed over with reminiscence. “Enough of an old man’s daydreams, open the door or not, it’s your choice.” The old man said as he shook his head slightly to shake away the memory, his flesh shaking with the motion. I looked from the old man, his face now placid, to the old faded door. I didn’t know if I should trust the man or not, he could be tricking me or he could be sincerely trying to help me. That face of his seemed to hold more than age and wisdom within their boundaries, and they did a good job at hiding whatever it was. You have to trust him, there’s no other choice now. The thoughts came back, solidifying my options like an anchor to a drifting ship in choppy seas. I nodded to the old man and turned to look back at the door and reached towards the handle. I could see the faded brass knob under my hand, I could almost feel it in my grasp, and then I clutched it tightly. I winced and recoiled slightly, but I never let my hand leave the knob. I waited for something to happen, my hand to explode leaving me with a bloody stump, a trapdoor to swallow me up from below, even for some sort of alarm to go off, but nothing. It’s just an ordinary door knob. I assured myself as I tried to pace my thrumming heart. It felt as if it had gotten the pace of a hummingbird’s wings as it bashed itself against my ribcage. I opened my eyes and let out a soft sigh of relief as I began to twist the door knob. It was weird, but I could swear I could feel the old man’s glee as if it radiated from his body as I opened the door. It was so creepy to feel that, like his eyes were drilling into the back of my head to read my every thought and so he could feast off of whatever it was that he knew. The door creaked open, first a sliver and then it was a gap large enough to fit my foot it, and as I opened the door further and further, I noticed nothing was happening but the ever rising dread in my heart. I opened the door all the way and saw . . . nothing. It was empty. There was just the inky darkness beyond the frame. That and the old man’s chuckle. It was hollow, empty, cold . . . evil. It was like a palpable chill to my ears as the laughter reached them, and I knew something was odd. Nothing was adding up, had I failed, was this man really against me? I couldn’t think straight, until his voice broke through the crashing waves of the others. “Looks like you were wrong.” The old man aid with that dark, resounding chuckle as he placed his gnarled branch of a hand upon my shoulder. “Looks like you weren’t ready.” With that said he pushed me. I went into the darkness, into the void, into the nothingness. It was like being stuck in my personal version of limbo as I lost all orientation in the dark veil around me. Next thing I felt was someone shaking me. I had no idea who it was or where they were, but I could feel a set of hands on my shoulders, rattling my body as if they were trying to wake me. I woke up, I think that’s what you could call it. The next thing I knew the darkness around me dissipated and I was looking at Jacob’s face as he shook me awake. “Can’t you be a little gentler next time you wake me?” I said groggily as I rubbed at my eyes with balled fists. I sat upright and looked around at where I was. I was back on the hill, no creepy plains or freezing air, Jacob was Jacob and not some decrepit old man, not to mention there was no castle to be seen. “I had the weirdest dream, you’d never believe it.” I said as stood up from my grass bed and brushed myself off. “I dunno, I’m up for anything outlandish, just try me.” Jacob said with a grin as he began to follow behind me as I headed back towards our neighborhood. I began to recount to him the strange dream I had had that night, but what kept nagging at the back of my mind was something I thought I heard him muttering under his breath as we left the hill. I could have sworn it sounded like he said ‘just try me,’ followed by that old man’s chuckle, just as dark and empty as I remembered it. I tried to brush it off as just my mind playing tricks on me, but I can’t help but think that it wasn’t a dream that night. Whatever it was, I just hope I never experience it again. |
I happen to know for a fact that Unicorns puke rainbows.
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| Post #2 Jan 4 2010, 12:01 AM | Grunt_of_War |
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Very interesting. To be honest, though, I thought you could've done more with the whole dream-like aspect and the thing with Jacob at the end. It feels quite a bit more like a prelude than anything. ;P I did see some issues with grammar and your metaphors, too, but I can talk to you about those later. Otherwise: well done. The story is definitely left open to future, related tales that delve deeper into what "Imagine" establishes about the old man and that world he inhabits, and I'd be interested if you ever came up with something like a 'sequel'. |
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