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My Homework :P; yes this was really homework
Tweet Topic Started: Sep 15 2009, 11:27 PM (180 Views)
Post #1 Sep 15 2009, 11:27 PM Sgt. Tacoz
I was just wondering if I could get some feedback. It's a short short, with a 250 word cap. >>




The Art of Sharing Lovers


The Honda idled by the side of the road its dirty, black paint reflecting the distorted sun. A man and woman sit inside of it, fighting with rage enough to scare away the wildlife. The man grabs the girl’s wrist and points to a glorious, glinting, golden ring. A week ago he had given that to her, some fancy restaurant or other clichéd proposal spot. She breaks free of his hand and slaps him across the face, his head smacking the window like a ping-pong ball caught between the paddle and a net. She’s on the verge of tears and screaming at him how he’s a selfish bastard and doesn’t even know what the hell he’s talking about. He’s screaming back while his face turns a bright, blazing red. The man claims he knows exactly what is going on, she’s just trying to lie again. They’ve probably only known each other two months, the girl and her other lover that is. She had her own plans the night he proposed, she was going to end it all, dump him, kick him to the curb, whatever other saying to can think of. Then he proposed and she couldn’t do it. Their screaming stops, the two obviously off speaking terms. The black Accord roars to life and the man sits stoic faced while the girl sobs and the car screams. The ambulance arrives at the bottom of the cliff, another body collection another heart-broken suicide in the art of sharing lovers.
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Post #2 Sep 16 2009, 12:27 AM Fenrisulfr.
I liked it, to an extent.
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Post #3 Sep 17 2009, 06:58 PM AkiraAsphyxia
I liked it a lot. :D
A Static Lullaby<3

However, you do have some tense problems. You start off in past then go to present and you keep switching back and forth. You might want to look at that.
Edited by AkiraAsphyxia, Sep 17 2009, 06:59 PM.
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