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How to survive in Skyrim on fifty gold a day; The journey of a slightly psychotic Breton
Topic Started: Dec 24 2011, 10:02 PM (388 Views)
Fake Crowley
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((Note that this is in the perspective of a slightly anachronistic Breton, and only partially based on my actual experience and thoughts.))

PART 1:


After spending the better part of the day riding in an uncomfortable wagon leading to my punishment, fellow criminals began making small talk. Decided not to say anything, as it would be a waste of brain cells trying to communicate with those idiots. One made offensive remark about elves. As a Breton, I’d be offended, but frankly I wasn’t in a position to make a very good case, being a criminal and all. Speaking of which, note to self: Next time you slaughter entire villages, remember to not get caught. Even if that means not bragging at the local pub.



Some idiot child began oohing and ahing at the soldiers as we rode past. Added his torture and slow, painful, ironic death to my bucket list. Unable to murder him then and there, as my hands were bound.



We stopped in the middle of the city, and were called down, where our names were called. One of them was apparently a king. Wondered briefly if his blood would be blue when I eventually managed to kill him. Shook the thought, as my past experience with kings has indicated that they bleed the same color as anyone else when they’re stabbed, and I assume it’s the same with all possible murder methods. Aside from extremely intense poisoning, possibly.



Hmm. Poisoning someone to the extent of their blood being a different color. Plausible? Must test as soon as I get the chance.



One man attempted to escape, was shot by archers. The list is now one item shorter.



Was asked name, as they apparently didn’t have it. How stupid do they think I am? What idiot would tell their captors their real name if said captors didn’t know? I answered, wearing a solemn expression, that I was God.



They apparently took me seriously.



After those idiots learnt my, “name,” I was lead to the chopping block a few feet away. Despite not being on their list, it was decided that I would die too, on general principles. I was slightly annoyed yet pleased by this turn of events, as I somehow managed to find some people who didn’t hear about what I did with the cheese grater and the orphans yet still had to die—I don’t believe in karma, but even if I did, I’ve been a good person all my life—but pleased that people still had common sense nowadays. I briefly entertained the possibility of taking the woman who decided I had to die off the list, but soon overcame that moment of madness and waited for things to stop being boring.



Nord king dude was gagged and then talked to. I secretly applauded the soldiers for finding such a genius way to get the idiot to shut up.



A priestess attempted to give us our last rites. I considered demanding my right to a lawyer, but before I could say anything one of my fellow criminals asked the priestess to kindly shut the hell up and get the stuff going on over with, presumably because he had places to be.



The executioner cut his head off. One less person on the list.



I was called to the block, referred to as, “Breton,” rather than the moniker I gave them. Perhaps they aren’t as stupid as I thought? Must investigate their brains after (Or preferably before) I kill them.



Watched the executioner as he prepared to kill me. He had nice shoes. Also, a dragon attacked. It killed a lot of people. The dragon, not the shoes. Although come to think of it, perhaps the shoes had aided the executioner in gaining the courage to execute people. My shoes don’t seem to talk to me, but you never know. Considered steeling his shoes to make killing people easier, but decided that the difficulty was what made it fun.



But anyways, yeah. A dragon attacked.



Dragon ignored me, mostly, and by following one of the soldiers I managed to escape. Aforementioned child hopefully died in the attack, but I was unable to confirm this. Nord king guy asked me to follow him, but fuck him, he’s annoying. Followed soldier instead—he, at the least, didn’t talk too much. Was lead into keep, and after the soldier undid my binds I attempted to kill him. Didn’t work. Guy is apparently immortal. He probably should have mentioned that before, but I guess he felt like I didn’t need to bloody know that he could be my meat shield. Screw him.



Proceeded to fight our way through imperial soldiers, who apparently considered me a greater threat than the goddamn dragon outside. Not that I blamed them. He seemed harmless. Or maybe she. I didn’t bother to check.



Anyways, after killing a few soldiers and, on multiple occasions, attempting (and failing) to kill the soldier dude, we made our way to the torture chamber. Mostly skeletons in here. Not sure why they bother torturing skeletons, which had obviously been dead for a few decades based on their condition, but each to their own, I suppose. Still, I’ve found that torture works better on living people.



Stole skull. Alas, poor Yoorick! I knew him, Horatio.



Not really.



Attacked by more soldiers, accidentally killed allies in the ensuing blood bath. Note to self: when in combat, allies help fight. Killing them serves no purpose whatsoever, so swinging around my sword without care for who I hit is probably not in my best interest.



Fun, though.



Raided the corpses of my allies. It’s what they would have wanted.



Found ourselves in underground tunnels. Killed a few spiders. Must remember bug spray next time. And by, “Bug spray,” I mean napalm.



Attempted to sneak past a cave bear. I named him, “Yogi.” Then I killed him, because he woke up as I tried to sneak past him. Must learn what this, “Stealth,” thing I keep hearing about is.



Found a few books, including one about some punk named Dragonbjorn. Looked interesting, but I didn’t bother reading them. What am I, an English major? I have better things to do than read. Such as admiring people’s shoes. Or killing them. Or both.



Escaped, and soldier dude seemed to take a liking to me. Didn’t seem to mind me trying to kill him. Perhaps he’s a masochist? Note to self: Don’t try to kill him again, for fear of turning the creep on.



Attacked by wolves. Attempted to mace them to get them to back off. It killed them instead. Note to self: Mace kills people for some reason. Must investigate further.



Found ourselves at some city. Was lead into the soldier’s uncle’s home. The uncle is apparently a blacksmith. We sat down, broke bread. They talked about the Nord king guy, and how he shouted at people or something. Not sure what the big deal is—the Nords are a very loud people. I considered killing the family, but decided against it; if they were going to give me free food and gold, then I would spare them temporarily. Besides, other people were around, and it would be annoying if I was caught again, since nobody here seems to know about the cheese grater incident, or even the stuff with the toothpick.



Used forge outside.



Sold stuff to local store. Accidentally sold him a cabbage I was looking forward to eating. Bastard offered it back to me for three times the amount he paid for it. Considered killing him, decided against it, because the idiot went on about some golden claw. I like gold, even though it seems to be as common as dirt here. Decided to go on quest to retrieve it because he said he’d pay me. Decided to kill him and take cabbage back after I got the money.



Came across bandits as I travelled to dungeon. They seemed friendly, so I killed them when they weren’t looking. Raided their corpses, and then left them outside for the wolves in payment for accidentally maceing their wolf-kin to death. Stole some stuff from tower, including a scroll that summons a zombie. Can’t stand zombies. I try to kill them, but they just keep coming back to life. Almost impossible to take off the list. I then headed to dungeon.



Entered dungeon after killing a few bandits. Accidentally discovered that I could use magic after pressing the wrong button in the menu. Pleased, I then proceeded to subject everybody I met to a fiery, painful death, just because it was fun.



Began seeing web. Realized that I was about to encounter a spider, so I prepared some fireballs. No need for bug spray when you can shoot fire out of your hands.



Proceeded to kill spider without too much trouble. Encountered some idiot dark elf. After cutting him down, I noticed that nobody was there to stop me, so I set him on fire and then cut his head off. Raided his corpse, and found something that might have been the golden claw, although it was in the shape of a foot. Examined underside, found strange markings.



Proceed forward, and raided a few urns and such. Apparently, this pissed off the local dead population, who proceeded to attack me. I had fun killing a few with a pressure plate and swinging spiked door.



Walked through some swinging bladed pendulums, unperturbed. I can always heal myself—not the most amusing use of magic, but it worked. Still trying to figure out what this stealth thing is.



Made my way to end of dungeon, opened up puzzle with my golden foot/claw/whatever. Entered ominous sanctuary. Proceeded to desecrate it, I won’t bother you with how. Eventually discovered glowing blue wall.



I then added a dragon-word to my dragon-vocabulary. The nearby tomb opened, and out popped a zombie. Proceeded to kick his ass with my dragon-fists and my dragon-arangs.



I’m the gods-damned dragonman.



Raided his corpse, and then proceeded up some steps. Found myself near a gravesite for some poor sucker. Desecrated the grave, mostly because some idiot had left his skull out in the open, which is highly disrespectful to the dead.



Found myself outside.



Found the cottage of some old woman. Nobody was around, so I considered killing her, but before I could I noticed something sparkling in the distance.



Moved forward, found some vampires!



At least, I assume they were vampires. They called themselves the vigilantes of someone, and said they hunted vampires, so I asked them if they were the good kind. They seemed bothered by me figuring out their true identity, and tried to convince me that they were humans who hunted vampires, but I wasn’t fooled. I saw them sparkling.



Travelled some more and encountered an old Orc who wanted a noble death to please his god. Decided to find him later and sneak up on him from behind to kill him, and trap his soul in a crystal that I’d then use to enchant a sword so I could kill other Orcs with it. I figured it’s what he really wanted. Had no crystals at the time, so I decided not to.



Returned to original village, shopkeeper was still waiting for me. Guy needs girlfriend badly. I gave him back the golden claw and decided not to kill him, if only because I was looking forward to his reaction when he discovered that I had already taken the treasure—which probably wasn’t what he was expecting in the first place.



After chasing a rabbit for a bit, I decided to go to bed.



Today was a good day.
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