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~アパティア - Apatia~; [Closed/Chiuso]
Topic Started: Dec 14 2010, 12:46 AM (742 Views)
Katyusha
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少し, 頭冷やそうか...
It was quiet enough to think. Quiet enough to remember.

...

It was a heavy pistol. The German made Mk23 was heavy for a reason. It was overengineered for USSOCOM requirements to be tough and to still work under any condition even after suffering severe abuse. As something recovered from what was left of the sniper she'd fought on the roof of that building, that it still worked was morbid testament that they'd certainly fulfilled their contract specification.

...

Contract specification.

In that way, Chetri felt more kinship with this weapon than with people.

Performance parameters. Terms normally associated with products, she had such things about her measured, and noted down into a file she had never seen, but knew well enough about. She was, like the pistol on her lap, a product. Technically speaking, although human-like, and possessing human intelligence, she was more akin to a homunculus. Something made with a mix of human parts and given life through unnatural process. Engineered, rather than born.

She didn't even have a name to call her own, or an identity distinct from what she was. Code names, cover names, false identities. She had all of these, she knew them to the point she could recite any part of their fictitious histories or submit herself to background inspection that they'd pass casual inspection by most authorities. But name that spoke of herself was something she never had. Merely a number.

It was something she'd accepted, or at least, tried to. But as time passed, however much she denied her purpose, she fell into repetitions of the same thing, over and over again. On that roof, and during the gathering with the others. It was the same. There was nothing but an empty feeling, and reactions born of repetition and conditioning that they were inseparable.

It was something she'd always wondered about, and now that she'd left, she questioned it even more. If she could be anything besides what she already was.

...

The inability to function as a person in normal society. In a sense, she could, as cover, but it was not herself. It was merely an act, pretending to be. She could sing, she could play music, she could do many things, but she felt disconnected from them. They were merely parts of identities she took on and off like so many masks, feeling as if they happened to someone else.

It wasn't that she'd lost touch with what it was like to be a person as much as she'd never really had it to begin with. Feeling nothing. It was a state philosophers called "Apatheia". Freedom from passion or emotion, and considered it a desirable state to seek out. Except she was there and found no value in it.

It was frustration at it's most fundamental level, except she wasn't even feeling that. She felt like a void. She didn't know nor understand what she was feeling.

...

It was quiet enough to think, quiet enough to remember.

She'd found herself putting on her old clothes. The ones she'd worn before when she'd conducted her missions. It was actually pretty cold. They were designed light to allow freedom of movement, and not much else. Sitting there, with the weapon on her lap. She found herself staring, drifting off, remembering, wondering.

...

She pulled back on the slide. The hammer was down, and she released the safety, and quietly put it up against her head.

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Cypriss
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Oliver sighed heavily as he lay on his bed. He held up the phone in his hand. "Load app... J.Psy.Sword.." He felt the translucent blades form around his hand. He extended his fingers, swinging them around. He let his arm drop dissipating the blade... He stared up at the ceiling as he lay there, his eyes distant as he focused on the swinging blades..

So they were going to try and kill the other members of the WDA....

So two had already died trying to get to him....

So he was the cause of it all...

A lot of things made sense now. Recent events, Jameson's injuries, Chetri's injuries, Jameson being more busy than ever while turning away cases.. Everything made a great deal more sense.. And yet it all felt incredibly distant from him at the same time. He narrowed his eyes and placed an arm over his head.. He felt intense pain in his chest.

Quinn... Seth... Jameson... They'd all wind up hurt at this rate.. He'd endanger them all if they got drug into this mess. His only important people! He couldn't.. He couldn't do anything to protect them if he threw them into harms way simply by existing.. but he couldn't.. no.. he wouldn't throw away this life either or else his sacrifices until now would be meaningless. He'd just have to.. He'd just have to...

What could he do? He'd either have to hurt them or endanger them... He'd have to... But... Argh, how was that any different than his past?! He'd be alone once more! If he cut his bonds... He'd hurt them to protect them but once more he'd be alone in this world..!

No.. He'd still have Jameson. So long as there was Jameson in this world he wouldn't be alone..

Oliver sighed rising from his bed.. He walked over to his drawer and took out a small box. He slowly unwrapped it and exhaled... Quinn... Quinn was like Jameson. He could trust her to not give up on him easily. But unlike Jameson she didn't have the strength... Unlike Jameson she wasn't already in this mess.. Unlike Jameson she could be spared. He slid the box's lid off and looked inside it. He reached in pulling out a necklace..

He sighed heavily before dropping it into the box.

He tossed the box into the trash and turned walking to the door. He stepped into the hallway with a deep sigh. Tonight couldn't be much worse.. Even if everything from here went perfectly it would end in tragedy. There was no avoiding it at this point... Damn Johnson! He slammed his fist into the wall as he continued to walk down the hallway.

He reached for the bathroom door opening it and entering just in time to see Chetri place the barrel of a gun against her head...

His expression went suddenly intensely calm.

"What the hell.. do you think you're doing?" He said locking his eyes on her.
Edited by Cypriss, Dec 14 2010, 01:20 AM.
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Katyusha
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少し, 頭冷やそうか...
She didn't answer at first, nor look up at him. She didn't even react.

It was as if time stood still for an eternal moment, and filled the room with an awkward silence.

"I don't know." she answered honestly, finally.

Her hands didn't move at all. The steel barrel was still pressed against the side of her head.

The fact of the matter was she wasn't sure either. She didn't know what to feel. It was the disconnect of insisting she was something aside from the autonomous weapon she was conditioned to be, and yet finding more and more that she couldn't.

It wasn't despair, in a way, it was a lack of it. But in it's own way, it was worse. Despair could be identified and dealt with. A void wasn't a thing, but an absence of a thing, and you couldn't really fight that without finding a way to add something to it.
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Cypriss
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It would be weirder if she'd reacted violently and pulled the trigger.... He exhaled slowly. Does she even have the courage to pull the trigger? Or the sadness...? Does she really even feel anything strongly enough to go through with it? He doubted it. She was an empty shell. She had nothing inside her.

He exhaled slowly as he stared at her. His lips pursed together as his chest clenched. Felt a lot of emotions bubbling around in his gut but he didn't know what to do and as such he resorted to his former training. Calm, expressionless features, even tone, and slow deliberate motions. He moved towards her and reached out with an upturned palm. "Give me the gun." He commanded.



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Katyusha
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少し, 頭冷やそうか...
Click.

She pulled the trigger. In it's single action mode, the force required to set it off was a mere 4.5 pounds, and the hammer came crashing down and drove the firing pin.

...

Nothing happened.

She set it back down on her lap, and re-engaged the safety.

"It isn't loaded." she explained.

Chetri still didn't look back up at him.
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Cypriss
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Never in Oliver's life had a click taken so long. It was amazing how much the human brain could process in a second. The movement of the hamer, the finger, and the trigger all at once. Their sounds, subtle yet like a thunderclap in this small silent room. The look in her eyes as she did it. The intense pain and a shock that flooded all of Oliver's senses.. The feeling of a heart not beating in his chest.. of a pure stock. Almost like drowning... It all felt.. surreal..

And then it passed and nothing had changed. Oliver didn't hear her words. He was already moving into action. One arm shot out pushing the gun hand away from them towards the floor. The other arm grabbed her collar dragging her to her feet. His jaw tensed as the muscles in his neck and jaw bulged out with tension. He breathed heavily, pure rage in his face as he pulled her to him..

He was surprisingly strong for his frame, just like her. Not surprising considering they probably underwent similar conditioning to be muscular yet agile and light framed. To be strong while retaining their mobility. That strength would be felt in his fingers digging into her hand..

"You bitch.. I knew you were a bitch but this.." He said looking down so that his hair fell to cover his eyes. "Do oyu have any idea...? No.. of coruse oyu don't... YOU DON'T EVEN REALIZE HOW MUCH YOU'D HURT HIM WITH THIS RIGHT?!" He spat violently.
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Katyusha
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少し, 頭冷やそうか...
There was surprisingly little resistance. None at all in fact.

The pistol clattered on the floor as she let go of it, and allowed herself to be held up by the collar.

"...I don't, no." she admitted.

It was the same. There was no emotion in her voice. There was no expression on her face. Just the way the man holding her up hated so much. Like a puppet or doll. She was hardly helping her case, but it wasn't meant to.
Edited by Katyusha, Dec 14 2010, 02:32 AM.
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Cypriss
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He sighed heavily releasing her as he crouched and grabbed the gun. He slammed the door and leaned against it panting with a disgusting feeling in his stomach. He clenched his eyes and groaned in frustration. This was overwhelming. No, to say it right was that he was already overwhelmed before he'd ever come in here. Now he was overwhelmed in new and exciting ways.

He exhaled making sure the entire clip was empty. He then discharged the gun once more into the floor to just be sure. He then put it in the back of his pants. "Confiscating this..." He said with a glare. He then reached out. "You got your revolver on you? I'll be needing that too.. Ah.. shit. Even if I do that it's no good. You can just hang yourself or fling yourself out a window or pills or the street.. Dammit.." He pushed his fingers back into his hair. "dammit.."

He stared up at the ceiling and exhaled.. the calm from before had turned into a sad sort of aimless frustration. He really had no idea what to do. Jameson was probably better at relating to people than he was. But Jameson was fragile in his own way. He didn't want Jameson to know about this..

"He cares about you a lot... For some reason.." Oliver said with a frown. "Tch.. Even if I say that what do you care? Being cared about only matters to people that desire affection.." He leaned forward rising up. "It was empty.. so obviously this wasn't a real attempt.. but the fact that you're staging false suicides isn't just something I can overlook.."

"So.. tell me about what's going on then.." He said in a calm tone as he leaned against the door, not even looking at her.
Edited by Cypriss, Dec 14 2010, 02:40 AM.
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Katyusha
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少し, 頭冷やそうか...
She looked at him intently, her head tilted slightly out of curiosity.

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Chetri couldn't help but be confused at the reaction, considering who it was from. It was a person who'd openly hated her and distrusted her. She couldn't fault him for that opinion. It was a perfectly legitimate concern on his part afterall. And yet he'd just tried to stop her from shooting herself.

"I don't understand." she told him "I was under the impression you wished for me to disappear. Why would you be concerned?"
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Cypriss
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"There are three people in this world I love. My mother. Quinn, my girlfriend.. and... by the way if you ever tell him I said this I will hunt you down... Jameson." He said with pursed lips. "He's... like a brother to me. Or a father, maybe? A weird mix of both.. He saved my life.. He changed it irrevocably and now things are... harder. But I don't resent it because on this path lies happiness and suffering but dammit at least it's all chosen by ME." He exhaled. "And for some reason.. That idiot has taken a liking to you."

He exhaled and leaned away. "No.. it's no mystery at all. You're exactly his 'type'. Cold, distant, bitchy hardasses that he thinks he can 'save..' from the myriad troubles of life. " He said, fully aware he was describing himself as well. "He just... can't leave people alone that he thinks need him.." He said with a frown. He turned back to Chetri and looked at her straight on for the first time since this mess had begun.

"Trust me.. i find you.. insufferable. But if you're one of the kids he picked I won't stand by if you try and hurt yourself... for his sake.. Because I owe him.. a lot." He snorted looking away. "As do you, may I remind you.." He paused but it was clear he wanted to say something. He juggled with it for a moment before exhaling. "Besides... It's not like we're completely different.. There was a time when I was contemplating the same thing you are.."
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Katyusha
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少し, 頭冷やそうか...
"It doesn't really feel like I belong here."

It was especially apparent to her during the party. There was an air of comradeship around everyone else that she saw, poking, joking, jabbing at each other. A kind of kinship and acceptance.

And yet in the midst of that company, she felt more alone than ever.

Whatever their backgrounds or anything else, they had still had at least one thing in common. They were people with histories, memories, feelings, thoughts, hearts and minds. They saw each other as friends, rivals, companions, people to trust. And amidst that, all she felt was...

...Nothing.

She felt alone, adrift, and maybe vulnerable in her position, and she couldn't understand why she could not feel she was 'one of them.' It was not a conscious thought, but rather as if her instincts were telling her she wasn't, that she couldn't be.

It was also hard to explain.

"Even though I don't work for them anymore.. I can't feel it. Even if I insist I'm not just a doll or a puppet... And somehow tried to become accustomed to this world."

She paused for abit, not sure how to continue.

"I still feel nothing." she explained, still with tone unchanging "But I was also scared. I was scared that there really was nothing for me. I could not bear the treachery of turning into nothing."

"If I really can accomplish nothing, then this suffering was nothing more than suffering for the sake of suffering. But even though I feel as though I am broken somehow, I want to see the next day."

While desperately wishing to die, she was single-mindedly wishing to stay alive. From the start, having to choose between accepting her role of killing, or being killed as a failure, she had blood on her hands. There was no innocence there. She just want to live.

"That's why it wasn't loaded. ...If I really am just a doll, I do not want to survive. But, then everything else I've done up until now was, now that I think about it merely to survive. That everyone, I've killed up until now, why did they die? I want to think that that's fine. I just want to live to the next tomorrow too."

A contradiction of not wanting to die, but not wanting to be alive either. It was in it's way all too human, from something that was never meant to be.
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Cypriss
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"... It looks like there's not much to worry about after all.." Oliver said looking at her with a sad expression.

He took a deep breath. "Do you think it's easy for me.. That I feel I belong.." He said in a low voice. "Seth has never taken a life once.. he's an innocent kid.. And Jameson has always had a justification for doing so and only ever done it as a last resort.. Not only that but they have always been loved and encouraged to express themselves and so they understand their own feelings.."

He paused and looked down, pursing his lips. "Next to them I see myself as blood stained and grotesque.. I don't belong with them. I dirty them just with my presence... The blood stains on me leave crimson marks on everything I touch.." He looked at his two hands before clenching them tightly. "If I looked at ease down there.. or like I belonged it's because that man created a place for me.."

He relaxed his hands before crossing them over his chest. "He's doing the same for you too... Day by day.. He created a place for you and now at your own pace you'll change until you can enter that place.. whether it's here with us or somewhere else. You'll find a place that was impossible before has appeared..." He glanced to her. "You act like you don't feel anything but you're scared right? You're aware of the lack of things in you and the presence of it in others... Is it stronger now than it used to be..? Maybe you're already beginning to change and you never even noticed it.."

He exhaled slowly. "You asked why I was concerned for you and my reply was the truth... I did it for his sake. And for his sake I consider you one of my comrades.. And eventually you'll reciprocate that... Because you'll change if you're here. No one can resist the changes that come when you're surrounded by the strange atmosphere of this place.." The one he creates.. Oliver thought to himself.

"But you have to keep enduring until then.. enduring the painful slow process.." He looked directly at it. "In doing so perhaps some meaning is added to the actions you've taken when you reach that goal.."
Edited by Cypriss, Dec 14 2010, 05:23 AM.
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Katyusha
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少し, 頭冷やそうか...
There was no change in the expression at all.

It was arguable it could have changed really.

"To me, every action that brought about results is acceptable." she replied. "That's why... I accompany him obediently."

She didn't know what else to say.

"...I don't want to become nothing. If I can prove I'm more than a doll, then... I'll happily follow along."
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Cypriss
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"..... I hope that you can find what you're looking for..." He said calmly. He'd never imagined she had this kind of fear going on under the surface. This many anxieties.. Even if she put on a cold face she was still human. Whether or not even she realized it she was just as human as everyone else. These worries were all too human.. Even if their very source was fear over a lack of humanity...

What a contradictory person..

"No... I'm sure you will. So long as you continue..."He reached out and held the gun out towards her by the barrel. "So how about putting aside any more attempts like this for a while and seeing where you wind up... There's plenty of time to change your mind and take this course of action later. For now you should see where your new directions end up.. You can't really say they haven't produced any results when you've only just started..." He said very calmly.

While it was true that suicide was something he looked down on he himself has almost done it once. Besides, just being preachy about it wasn't useful. It only made sense to approach it from the standpoint of a pragmatist. Suicide was dumb not due to emotional reasons but that it ended any chance of things changing impermanently. He frowned with a flat expression looking away from her. "Besides, if he saw you trying something like that I'd never hear the end of it... He gets so worked up.. He sort of an idiot in that way."
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Katyusha
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少し, 頭冷やそうか...
She ended up looking away as well, uncertain of what to do or say next. She was never really good with words, or with expressing thoughts or opinions except when they pertained to assassination in a practical manner. In a way, it was part of the quietness.

And for the first time since they'd met, there was an expression on her face besides the neutral mien. It was one of uncertainty, and perhaps, of hesitation.

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"Che sarà sarà." was all she could say. Whatever would be, would be.
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