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Kyojiro Gunshin
Topic Started: Jun 22 2008, 12:30 AM (156 Views)
Kyojiro
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Name: Kyojiro Gunshin
Year: 1st year
Class: 1-A
Age: 16
Birthday: 12/1
Group: Awakened
Weapon(s): Greaves, Gloves

Physical Description: Kyojiro has short red hair and green eyes. He is usually seen with a pair of dark blue goggles around his neck along with a large pair of earphones. Kyo wears a pair of dark blue rollerblades when not in school. He usually wears a white t-shirt with a pair of baggy blue jeans when not wearing his Gekkoukan school uniform. He wears an over-sized leather jacket during the winter.

Psychological Description: Kyojiro has an blitheful personality and thinks of life as a game. Kyo's ignored by most of his classmates because of his low grades and tendency to sleep during classes. The goggles he wears have an anodynic affect for him and he puts them on whenever he is either very excited or needs to make an important decision. Gunshin was awakened to the dark hour while out skating past curfew one night the previous summer and has only survived the dark hours since then by out running the shadows that have come after him. Was afraid of the dark hour at first but now thinks it is fun in a way.

Brief History: Kyojiro is an only and has been raised by his mother who has raised him by herself his whole life. His father died from a disease before he was born. Kyo got into Gekkoukan for his high test scores but rumors are going around that he may have to transfer soon because of his sudden drop in grades.Studies capoeira off the internet and he fancies himself quite good at it but hasn't gotten a real opportunity to use it

Drive: To make his mother's life easier and to pay her back for all that she has done for him.

Accessory: Custom made rollerblades
Edited by Kyojiro, Jun 23 2008, 08:44 PM.
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Juugoya Kokuei
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The Dark Fool
Ok, this is your first time RPing, so I'll take that into account.

As with Sunao, class would be between 1-A and 1-F, as a first year.

You pick 3 weapons, and Rollerblades will not be an option. I may allow greaves and you could make a custom rollerblade version.

Your description is pretty good, I have some general tips that you should apply to it, which I'll put at the end of the post. Your psychological description is alright, I suggest you read it back to yourself and see if you like how it's actually written. Also, it needs to actually include something of the way he thinks. I think it's nice that you had him as scared of the Shadows, as I expect most will have their characters as uber-fighting shadows machines.

As for your History, it needs tweaking in the writing, but that's a perfectly acceptable history.

Drive is fine. Needs a period at the end of it, but other then that it's alright.

Only take one accessory, which I would have as rollerblades.

Now, general tips. You're probably as good as I was when I started, and you'll probably come a long way very quickly. The best advice I can give to any new RPer, at least for this form, is that you need to have at least a dozen ways to identify your character. I'll show you what I mean.

Code:
 
Kokuei sprinted down the bloody corridor of Nautilus, rounding a corner at speeds that would nearly make a cheetah jealous. He lashed out with the naked blade in his hand, severing a shadow's outstretched tendril. Kokuei grinned softly, before he sped on past the screeching beast. Kokuei's feet grazed the next corner as he stumbled around it, desperate to escape the beast that tailed him. Kokuei started to flag, his deep energy reserves rapidly depleting. He was in trouble.


So that paragraph was ok, but if you read it, you'll find yourself probably noticing that it's slightly repetitive. I used my character's name 4 times, and every other time I identified him, it was as 'He' or 'Him'.

Now, I have several different ways of refering to my character, that can really brighten that average paragraph.

Code:
 
Kokuei sprinted down the bloody corridor of Nautilus, rounding a corner at speeds that would nearly make a cheetah jealous. The student lashed out with the naked blade in his hand, severing a shadow's outstretched tendril. Juugoya grinned softly, before he sped on past the screeching beast. The SEES leader's feet grazed the next corner as he stumbled around it, desperate to escape the beast that tailed him. Koku started to flag, his deep energy reserves rapidly depleting. The boy was in trouble.


You'll see that certain names make the entire paragraph mean more. Calling him The Boy rather then 'He' displays him as weak and re-iterates that he is in fact in trouble. The other times just break up the monotony, and show you more about the character.

Other then that, make sure you proof read everything and run it through a word spell check. Reading aloud really helps sometimes, just for pacing.

Seiei might give you some tips too, she's very good.

Just for the record, you could call your character any of the following: Kyojiro Gunshin, Gunshin, Kyojiro, Gun, Kyo, Jiro, Shin, The student etc. Also, once you take the quiz for an Arcana, you can use that to identify him, as well as any clubs he joins. My personal choice for identification, is using appearance. The dark hair boy, for example. It lends much more to your writing.

Hopefully all that will help you.
Edited by Juugoya Kokuei, Jun 23 2008, 04:10 PM.
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