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| JOKES Thread | ||
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| Tweet Topic Started: April 4, 2009, 9:13 am (273 Views) | ||
| Liam | April 4, 2009, 9:13 am Post #1 | |
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Post all jokes within this topic! :) Stole this off Scotty :P:- Anyway, my aunt emailed me this: A hippy gets on a city bus and notices a very beautiful young nun. He sits down next to her and they exchange some small talk. After a while he asks her: "Can we go somewhere and make love?" No," she replies, looking shocked "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippy and says: "I can tell you how you can have sex with her" "Yeah?" says the hippy. "Definitely", says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some fluorescent stuff in your beard, pop up near her in the cemetery and claim to be God in a loud booming voice" The hippy decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as god on the following Tuesday night. "I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low over his face. "You will have sex with me now" The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. 'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. "As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish. "Ha-ha" he cries. "I am the hippy!" "Ha-ha" cries the nun. "I am the bus driver" |
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| Bluezone777 | April 5, 2009, 10:59 am Post #2 | |
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LOL I heard that one before but still good stuff. XD | |
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| Justin | April 5, 2009, 2:51 pm Post #3 | |
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this is our last goodbye
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Hahaha, nice one Liam. Joke Contest, don't forget to enter =) |
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| Raxby | April 5, 2009, 7:05 pm Post #4 | |
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E-married to Espion <3
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My entry for the joke contest. :3 --- The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No." "Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident?" the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her pennyless with three children?" The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?" |
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![]() ^ click it. =3 ^
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| pokegirl_g | April 5, 2009, 7:49 pm Post #5 | |
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For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "and I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly , but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking conspiratorially. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll poop on it's head." Lol'd at the end. |
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| Liam | April 5, 2009, 9:47 pm Post #6 | |
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LMAO! That's awesome. | |
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| Legend | April 9, 2009, 2:21 pm Post #7 | |
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE. God is watching.' Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.' |
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| Bluezone777 | April 10, 2009, 11:37 am Post #8 | |
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lol at the last one and the one about the statues. XD | |
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| Liam | April 10, 2009, 4:24 pm Post #9 | |
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That's awesome. :# |
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| Legend | April 14, 2009, 9:41 pm Post #10 | |
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I just remembered another one that somebody told me once. There was a guy who wanted to become a tree cutter so he applied for a job to cut down trees. The manager said that they had certain requirments, so he had to go out for a day and cut down at least 20 trees using a chainsaw. Ok so the guy goes out for the day and comes back to report back to the manager. The manager asks "How many trees did you cut down today?" The guy replies, "15 trees." The manager replies "15!? all the other guys here are cutting down 23-27 trees! Ok I'll give you another chance at it, come back tomorrow and try to do better than 15." Ok so the guy comes back the next day and cuts down some trees and he comes back at the end of the day and reports back to the manager. The manager asks "How many trees did you cut down today?" The guy replies, "18 trees." The manager replies "18!? all the other guys are cutting down 27-33 trees! Ok I'll give you once more chance at it, come again tomorrow." Ok so the guy comes back the last day and reports back to the manager. Manager goes, "Well?" The guy replies "23 trees sir." The manager replies "23!? everyone else is cutting down from 33-40 trees! Ok I tell you what I'm gonna come down with you and see exactly what you are doing wrong." So they both go out and the manager sees the chainsaw and asks, "is your chainsaw working fine? No problems with the chainsaw?" "The chainsaw is fine." So the manager picks up the chainsaw, pulls the cord to start it up and it makes that noise. VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!! and the guy asks "Hey what is that noise?" |
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12:35 AM Jul 12