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Does this make me a.......; honest opinions please
Topic Started: Sep 2 2008, 11:32 AM (89 Views)
Cabann
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Bad mom...



Ok here is the situation. Financially things are really tight. I am working on rectifying the situation. Since school started I have to step ouside my budget and put myself into a deeper hole. For starters Dustin was wrong when he needed to pay his first tuition payment, at first he said next semester but we came to find out it was due the last week of August, I scrimped and we made it. Next I get notices from the younger kid's school, they needing funds for extras. Destiny has brought home two notes so far. The first one was for only $4 for a newspaper subscription (I took care of that today), the second one is due in the 26th of this month for $52 for field trips such, they want the money up front. I figured no big deal, I will have it before then. Of course Steven needs money too, his being only $26 due this Friday. I figured I would just stretch my budget even further and pay it all Friday.

Ok here is where my problems comes in and is bothering me. During the summer Dustin said when college started up, he was going to stay with his dad the days he has school since his dad lives closer to the college. I was hoping he would for a few reasons. Money is tight right now I am doing the best I can but am sinking fast , he has never really ever bonded with his dad so I felt this would give them some time to really get to know each other and spend time together, and for my own selfish reason..Dustin isn't an easy person to live with. His moods are all over the place. At times I have to walk on egg shells around him. It would be nice if he was at his dad's place a few days a week so I could have a break (I know that sounds bad and I feel terrible for feeling this way). He was suppose to move some of his things over to his dads this past weekend. He packed up a couple boxes yesterday, went to work and said when he got off work he would pick up his things and go to his dads. School started today for him and he had to be at school around 6:30 am. Well it appears he changed his mind and chose not to stay with his dad this week. I am not sure why. I think this will be a big change for him when he finally does so. I am letting him make his own decision on the matter but deep down I wish he would stay with his dad a couple days a week at least..again I know, I feel terrible for feeling this way.

So the problems keep on coming. My 20 year old son called me Sunday and the first words out of his mouth were "Mom I am stressing out and need your advice". Aparently he is still having money problems since he moved out of the apartment he shared with his ex gf and into a house with three girls. He informed me he has enough money to pay rent but was short $140 on a couple other bills. He needed money. My son is a hard worker. He works full time plus goes to college full time. He still hasn't purchased one book yet (he is waiting for his grant money to come in for that). However he is not worried about that and said he will just borrow friends books. He did still need money to cover his bills. I figured out my finances and told him all I had was two checks here that I hadn't gotten around to depositing yet for $145, some of that money was suppose to go to the kids school and give me a little to get by this week. But not wanting my son to owe his roommates money, I gave them to him. He said he would pay me back on Friday but in another turn of events he mentioned that he should move back home until he gets on his feet. This is where I feel bad. I didn't say too much, only offered him the checks because I don't want him moving home. I have a lot to deal with. I have health issues that are causing me some problems, my marriage isn't the strongest and I really need to figure out where it is going to go (Saturday was our anniversary...13 years) and I don't know if I want to throw all those years away, but things have to change. And also with trying to start daycare up again, I don't think I can handle having my 20 year old back in the house..living here. Finacially I am not making it, with bills are already high and having an extra body and mouth would sink me. He is always welcome to come over and he knows that. But when Zach is here he gets Steven wound up, he picks on his sister and he isn't the neatest person, basically he is a slob.

I guess all in all I feel bad for the way I am feeling. I love my sons. I love all four of my kids. Am I wrong to feel the way I do? Please be honest with me. I have thick skin and my feelings don't get hurt all that easily. Should I let my 20 year old move home, should I encourage Dustin to stay here until he gets settled at school so his moods don't go out of wack again. I want to do the right thing for everybody, but I don't know what that is.
Edited by Cabann, Sep 2 2008, 11:47 AM.
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psimer

Ok, if Zach moves home. he pays rent. If Dustin choses to live at home, he pays rent. That means RENT. Not food and all of the freebies, RENT. If they want to eat at home, it's $5 a meal. If they use water or electricity, they pay part of the bills. They are responsible for their own phone calls.

Now you move from Mom to Landlord. You don't just let them move home, you charge them. And when they get tired of paying RENT to you, they will move out. But they don't get to come home for free. I would consider a minimum of $250 a month for RENT. Then charge for meals. Or they each give you $50 a week for food.

But don't just let them come home free and easy. You have raised them and now you need help as well. They have done very well for themselves but the time has come for a change of attitude on your part.

Get out a piece of paper and put it in writing. NOEXCUSES!!! They pay everything on the first of the month. That way you get the money you need and they are paying their way as well.

But don't let them get away with living at home for free. Time has come for them to grow up and for you to quit being MOM to your adult children. If you don't, you will go insane.
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Cabann
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I kinda know how i am going to handle it. I honestly think that Zach wouldn't be happy moving back home right now. Sara if you remember the things Zach has pulled against my rules, well he hasn't tried it again and he is over here about three times a week. But if he lived here I think he would have a hard time . I feel bad I feel that way because Zach is my son, my buddy and my friend. I can finally say that now, when he lived at home I was his mom. As for Dustin I know deep in my heart that because of his emotions, he probably should stay here. He at times wants to stay at his dads, and maybe just a couple days a week wouldn't be that hard on him, maybe even beneficial for him. I know I need a break, right now, these past few days, he has been fine. I never know what is going to send him into a mood again, sad, shutting himself down. It is hard to deal with. Or the other extreme where he is full of energy and turns obnoxious.

Last night I stayed up almost all night stressing about it. I want what is best for my adult kids but I want what is best for me (sounds selfish huh?) and the other two also.





edited to add:

Sara, are you going home right after work on Thursday, if so I will give you a call.
Edited by Cabann, Sep 3 2008, 11:13 AM.
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psimer

Go ahead and call. I don't have any errands to run on Thursday (for a change). If you don't think Zach can handle being at home then he needs to learn to get along. Lots of kids do it. As for Dustin, he is going to need more support emotionally but don't baby him. Yes, he will be moody. I am that way too, but that's part of the illness.

And thanks for the card and the starfish!!
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Ravenlost
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I think you should sit down with each of them and discuss all of this with them. There is no reason for you to feel bad for wanting a break from Dustin...and it shouldn't make him feel bad either.
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