Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
We hope you enjoy your visit.


You're currently viewing our forum as a guest. This means you are limited to certain areas of the board and there are some features you can't use. If you join our community, you'll be able to access member-only sections, and use many member-only features such as customizing your profile, sending personal messages, and voting in polls. Registration is simple, fast, and completely free.


Join our community!


If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features:

Username:   Password:
Add Reply
A minister's Father's Day wisdom
Topic Started: Jun 9 2008, 11:39 AM (38 Views)
Jolie Rouge
Member Avatar

A minister's Father's Day wisdom
Mon Jun 9, 12:16 AM ET
By Oliver "Buzz" Thomas



What do Sigmund Freud, Jesus and Moses have in common?

They each believed in the importance of fathers. Freud said that nothing in a child's life is more important than the security and protection afforded to it by a father. Moses listed honoring our fathers as one of God's Big Ten, and Jesus used the concept of a loving father as his central metaphor for understanding God. Be they good or bad, dads mark us for life. Most men, to their credit, set out to be good fathers, but the distance between intentions and results is considerable. Along the way, lots of us get lost, give up or simply run out of gas.


As a minister, I'm sorry to report that the Bible has little to offer in the way of positive role models for fathering.


There's Abraham, who pimped out his wife to Pharaoh to save his own skin and later came close to offering his son Isaac as a human sacrifice. Then, there are Isaac and Jacob, who both played favorites among their own sons and presided over two of history's original "dysfunctional" families. Parse the pages of the New Testament, and you'll face the same problem. There simply aren't many good biblical role models for fathers.


Fortunately, God gives us eyes, ears and brains to observe the world around us. Then, there's the school of hard knocks (i.e. pitfalls to avoid as viewed from the pit). After raising my own children to adulthood, counseling lots of families and observing a multitude of successful and unsuccessful fathers over the past half-century, I think I have a pretty good bead on the current state of fatherhood in the USA.


Just being there


It's hard to be a good father when you aren't around. As an inner-city pastor in New Orleans nearly 30 years ago, I was struck by the number of absentee fathers. In one large public housing project near my church, less than 10% of the households included a father. When you consider that the number of out-of-wedlock births has risen since the 1970s, I suspect those numbers haven't improved.


The problem of absentee fathers isn't limited to low-income or minority households. Middle- and upper-income households are also struggling with a divorce rate as high as 40%-50%. That's a lot of dads who see their children every other weekend and two weeks in the summer. It's simply not enough time to be a strong, steady influence in a busy child's life. I know one young divorced father who has excellent parenting skills, but he's not a good father because he lives a thousand miles from his child. If that young man wants to be a good father, he likely has only one option: relocate. Here's another possibility. Make divorce an absolute last resort. If being a good father is your highest priority, perhaps you should consider hiring a marriage counselor rather than a divorce lawyer.


Divorce isn't the only thing that takes dads away from their children. One of the more pernicious myths in America today is that in order to be a good father, you must provide your children with a surfeit of material things. For the three-fourths of us who identify ourselves as Christians or Jews, there's nothing biblical about this way of thinking. To the contrary, the Bible warns against an excessive devotion to material things.


What we should provide our children in abundance, of course, is us. People can talk about the importance of "quality" time with their kids, but for most children the amount of love we have for them can be measured in hours and minutes. You can't work 60 hours a week for extended periods and expect to be a good father. Part of being devoted to your children is choosing them over the job. But what about the trip to Disney World? Take them camping. It's cheaper and equally rewarding.


One of the best ways to ensure quality time is to have supper at home together as a family. A Columbia University study showed that teens who eat at home at least five nights a week have higher grades and are less likely to use alcohol or drugs.


In today's world, it's easy for dads to forget their role. Fathers must compete for their children's attention with iPods, cellphones, cable TV and Game Boys. As a result, they feel tempted to sacrifice their role as dads in order to win their children's affection. In a world of cheap narcotics and online sex predators, dads must also make difficult, daily decisions about how closely to monitor the activities of their children. Should a father peek in a child's backpack, flip through her diary or make occasional inventories of her closet or automobile?


'You be the dad'

Here's my observation: One doesn't have to suspend his good judgment to have a close relationship with a child. My own dad was fiercely devoted to us kids, but that never caused him to side with us against our teachers at school or do anything else to "win" our affection. He was quite content to earn it. Your children have plenty of pals. You be the dad.


The best dads discipline themselves first, their children second. Most dads understand the importance of disciplining their children, but disciplining themselves can be a different matter. Some dads are notorious for their unpredictability. They laugh at a child's antics one day and punish the same behavior the next. This sort of emotional roller coaster can be maddening for a child who needs adults to be steady and consistent. As the Book of Proverbs puts it: "A man of understanding walks straight."


One of the great saboteurs of parental consistency is alcohol. As a family law attorney, I once ran a domestic violence clinic in which we represented abused women and their children. I was surprised to learn that in many cases, the defendant father was a nice guy — when he was sober. Most abusive behavior seemed to occur when the defendant was under the influence. Again, as Proverbs puts it: "Wine is a mocker, strong drink a brawler." My own father was the son of an abusive, alcoholic father. As a result, Dad became a teetotaler. Other responsible fathers choose to drink alcohol in moderation. Either option is acceptable. What isn't acceptable is chaos and unpredictability. Children need structure and stability. Dads require self-discipline in order to provide it.

When it comes to parenting, the stakes are high for both you and your child. I've yet to meet a dad in his 70s who said, "I wish I'd spent more time at the office," or a child who said, "I wish my dad hadn't spent so much time with me."

Oliver "Buzz" Thomas is a minister, lawyer and author of 10 Things Your Minister Wants to Tell You (But Can't Because He Needs the Job).

http://news.yahoo.com/s/usatoday/20080609/cm_usatoday/aministersfathersdaywisdom;_ylt=AhNEg1i76PWqOT7R.qFyhqKs0NUE
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
ZetaBoards - Free Forum Hosting
Free Forums. Reliable service with over 8 years of experience.
« Previous Topic · Off Topic Chat · Next Topic »
Add Reply