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Kutho Minamoto
Topic Started: Jan 16 2010, 09:45 PM (198 Views)
Junta
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Interesting profile, but I can't quite approve it like this. I want to see more about his personality and personal history. Christianity is not illegal in the Republic of Greater East Asia, it's just very uncommon. The orphanage that Nanahara Shuya grew up in was a Catholic-run orphanage. As such it would not be necessary for his parents to flee their home. Personal history is one of those things that makes us care about a character. This is a place to talk about relationships, events that were important to your character. I need to see a bit more, even the average can be explained further. Make him interesting to read about.

You say he is very respectful of authority, but also that he enjoys illegal music. Black Market activity is rebellion against the totalitarian government, which is the ultimate authority. I find these two things to be somewhat contradictory. I need more about his personality than what you've given. What makes him tick? What does he like, what sets him off?

Your character's physical dimensions are impossible. Even assuming a small frame, he's a good 40 lbs underweight. He's not weak. He's dead. Unusually thin would be 15 lbs underweight max. Also, "dark" doesn't tell me anything about his eyes. I need a color associated with it.

Appendicitis surgery wouldn't mess with your brain's pain receptors. This really just seems like a reason for your character to be able to shrug off pain without explanation. Either your brain would have to physically damaged, or you'd have to have dead nerve endings, which would be isolated, not all over your body. It is something that happens, but it's extremely rare and you're generally born with it. If you want it, I'm going to need a lot more out of your profile.

Family doesn't get shoved in the other category. Tell us about his family in your personal history, and elaborate on their relationships. How do they interact, how well do they all get along. Make me care about this character.

And finally personal items. The iPod is the only thing I'm singling out here. The Republic of Greater East Asia does not have mp3 technology available to the general public. As such music must be bought in hard form. Theoretically you could acquire one on the Black Market, but it would be unlikely and very expensive. Tapes and CDs are about where the technology is, and anything illegal would almost always be on cassette.

If you're still around and reading, I hope you will redo this character and be able to play with us.
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