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Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other: "Funny, I smell carrots too."

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I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas! It's not her main present, just a stocking filler...

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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

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The Burglar and Jesus
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, Clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed .. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

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Why should you never marry a tennis player?
Because love means nothing to them!

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What do you call a tree with no leaves?
A tree with no leaves.
What do you call a tree with leaves?
Russell.

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A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.
He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women.
He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under
his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills. Then, there's a knock at the door. He
answers it and standing there are two people dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside
to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde
genie says to the other one,... ' I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in
a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.

But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.'

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET BLONDE GENIES!!!!!

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One day during school, a teacher names Mrs. Smith was teaching the students about God. She called on Timmy to ask him a few questions.
Mrs. Smith: Timmy, may I ask you a few questions?
Timmy: Of course, Mrs. Smith.
M: Now Timmy, if you look out the window, do you see the grass?
T: Yes.
M: Now Timmy, if you look out the window, do you see the trees?
T: Yes.
M: Now Timmy, if you look out the window, do you see the sky?
T: Yes.
M: Now Timmy, if you look up into the sky, do you see God?
T: No.
M: So the fact that you do not see God shows us that God may or may not exist.
Mrs. Smith sat down to continue with her lesson. However, Susie raises her hand to be called on.
M: Yes, Susie?
Susie: Mrs. Smith, may I ask Timmy a few questions?
M: Certainly Susie, go right ahead.
S: Now Timmy, if you look out the window, do you see the grass?
T: Yes.
S: Now Timmy, if you look out the window, do you see the trees?
T: Yes.
S: Now Timmy, if you look out the window, do you see the sky?
T: Yes.
S: Now Timmy, if you look at Mrs. Smith, do you see her brain?
T: No.
S: So the fact that you do not see Mrs. Smith's brain shows us that her brain may or may not exist.

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MEDICAL ALERT!


The Centre for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand,and even electronically.
This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever
- DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipeout your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises, take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORKhas been completely eliminated from your system.

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You know it is time to reassess your relationship with
your computer when....

1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and
stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
for the free internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.

6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
processor.com

7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a
computer.

8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really
depressed.

9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they
have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you
landscape.

11. Your family always knows where you are.

12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".

13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!

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Sales slide at Currys and Argos. Apparently nobody wants over-priced electronics and cheap plastic tat any more.

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God and the angel Gabriel were at the water cooler one day. After chit-chatting about spreadsheets, schedules and last night's episode of ER, God said: 'I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness.' Gabriel replied, 'Wow - what are you going to do now?' God retorted, 'I think I'll call it a day.'

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Q: Why do mermaids wear seashells?
A: Because they don't fit into B-shells!

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"Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?"