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Night was a dangerous time for humans to be out. Hm... not the greatest opening line ever, but it might work. I'll have to see the next bit.

As the moon rose over the city of Moonlight Hills, most of the population fled to their homes. Those who didn't were either unaware of the dangers of the night, or they were the cause for danger. As your opening paragraph, you'll probably want this to be stronger. The first sentence was... alright. the second part felt awkward. The last sentence was too passive for something that is meant to build up suspence, as I suspect this story is meant to do. Try making a new sentence that doesn't start with "those who didn't" because that's sort of ametuer sounding, and doesn't contain the word "were" in it, such as: "Unaware of the dangers the night held, or perhaps the cause of the danger, certain individuals still lingered on the streets during the dark hours." Of course, this is souped up and overly dramatic, but that's to get to the point, which I think you've got.

Two figures walked through the streets. Again, you're trying to build up suspense. "Two figures walked through the streets" certainly builds some suspense, but you're trying to get the most out of it. What do you think adverbs and adjectives were invented for? Both were female, both strikingly beautiful. One had blond hair that shimmered like the moon itself, the other with hair dark as night. Too spoon-fed. I'm going to take a quote from Mumbling Sage of the Teenage Writer's forum, who puts it very well in his 15 Prose Mistakes That Give Ameteurs Away:

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7. Flat Description. By this I mean ‘She had red hair and wore a red dress.’ This does not mean you have to work description into action, but you should make description active. ‘Red hair flowed to her shoulders.’ ‘She bowed in a ripple of red silk.’ ‘Her smile was wide and toothier than he had expected.’

They both walked with a certain swagger, one that attracted attention and warned of danger at the same time. Could be worded better. Not very exciting.

One man didn't seem to pick up on the warning. I wouldn't use this sentence. This is something you want to show, and not tell. This would be an excellent thing to incorperate into the next sentence. Instead, use an adverbs such as "ususpectingly" or "naive". They don't make thesauruses for nothing you know. :) He followed them, hiding behind whatever was at his disposal in case the girls looked back. Oooh! "...whatever was at his disposal..." I tip my hat to it. :shakefist: Two beautiful teenage girls strolling the streets at this time of the night? He couldn't resist. What is he, some kind of stalker??? This sentence is quite odd in the mysterious context it is in. You might want to add the approximate age of this man, because I was picturing him as an old man, and that is probably what made this sentence strike me as abnormal.

The raven-haired girl glanced around with coal black eyes. She could sense someone following her. Again, this is too plain. Spice it up. Do you have just plain cooked chicken? No! You add spice, or breading, or something to it.

"What is it?" Her golden-haired companion asked.

"Someone's following us." The statement was barely above a whisper. Bleh. This was an incredibly boring sentence.

"Who?"

The dark haired girl didn't answer. Instead, she led her friend into an alleyway.

The man couldn't believe his luck. Could these two girls be so stupid as to wander into an alleyway? It was like prey lying down before a hunter. A grin crossed his thin lips. He made his way into the dark alley as well, his mind planning what he could do with two attractive females.

He had barely made his way into the shadows when he was shoved into the wall of the alleyway.

"What the--"

"Who are you, human?" A voice hissed.

"Lemme go!" He struggled in the grip of whoever held him.

"Why are you following us?"

He pulled away and hit the wall behind him. He found himself facing the raven-haired girl he had been following. He felt foolish. How could he be afraid of this girl? A smirk crossed his lips. "Why don't you take a guess?"

There was enough of the full moon's light for the man to see her coal eyes narrow. "Wrong answer, human." Too many "humans"

He laughed, his voice loud in hopes of disguising the tremor of fear. "Human? What are you, if not human?"

"One of them."

"Them? What does that mean?"

She pinned him to the wall, Wait, isn't he already pinned to the wall? a smile pulling up the corner of her lips. She saw the cocky gleam in his eyes. "Do you want to find out...?"

"Raven, this is taking too long," her companion complained.

"Patience, Kari, patience." The girl known as Raven turned back to the man, leaning in closer to him. "Pity you had to follow us...it would have been better if you hadn't followed us..."

Then man leaned into the girl, catching her in a kiss. Disgusted as she was, she let him, even as his hands tried to explore her body. A moment later, she pulled away, her lips brushing to his ear.

"Wrong move, human." There's too much of this short, fierce dialogue, and it gets rather tiresome. Perhaps you might make her reaction convey that, because it's also a bit of an overused statement, and can become, if not used in the right way, demeaning the suspense you built up.

Before the man could ask what she meant, he felt a searing pain pierce his neck. Alarmed, he looked down. The raven-haired girl had bitten him hard enough to break the skin. His eyes widened. Was she a sicker pervert than he was? It caught him off guard. This whole paragraph was awkward. First off, if she had just bitten him, I don't think his first thought would be "she's a pervert." I'm pretty sure it would be "ouch, is this fatal?" or something along those lines. I'm just going to rewrite this as I would have, so you get the idea what I'm talking about, because I can't really explain it all.

"But before he could ask what she meant, she lunged, a searing pain erupting from his neck as her teeth easily penetrated his skin. Watching, horrified*, while they sank deeper, he marvelled at the pervertedness of it all. What the heck was she playing at?"

*Notice how the word "horrified" implies that he was cought off his guard, without actually saying it.

While he struggled against her, she held him back with a strength he didn't think was possible. Feel like this should be reversed so that it's "She held him back with strength he didn't think possible, while he struggled against her." When he began to yell, the blond girl clamped a hand over his mouth. Maybe you could tack this onto the previous sentence as "the blond girl clamping a hand over his mouth as he yelled." The two glanced at him with a look of clear "pure" would probably work better. revulsion.

"L-let me go," he gasped once Kari had removed her hand. Maybe instead of "once Kari had removed her hand" make it sound like they're harsher on him and use "clawing her hand away from his mouth".

"I don't think so," she hissed. "You were the one who followed us. We know what you would have done with us. This is your punishment, pervert."

"V-vampires..."

"You really are a stupid human," Raven said as she pulled away. The man's blood coated her lips. Again, these two sentences could be combined.

At the sight of this, the man began to scream. The two girls held him down as the hunt came to a close. Stupid humans. They were so gullible, especially in this city.

Moonlight Hills wasn't a safe place to be once the sun set. Once the moon rose, creatures of the night ruled the streets, preying on those who were unfortunate to cross paths with them.

But vampires needed food...right...?[/color]