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| Chapter 11; Journey to the Wizard, chapter 11 | |
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| Topic Started: Apr 10 2008, 08:36 PM (347 Views) | |
| Allyson | Apr 10 2008, 08:36 PM Post #1 |
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This is a chapter from my story, and it's about the bad guy (Lord Mattox). This it's a really short chapter, and I need to add more, but I have to think what. Spelling corrections are welcome (you might find a sentence like: he thought That...) That's because of something I did. I have to versions of reading it, because I didn't know whether you wanted your lines two down, or all together, because it wouldn't let me indent them. Anyways, happy reading, and all comments are welcome! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mattox paced the room, not paying any attention to his work. “My Lord, the two Frodge children have left with your servant Quen. The cook made sure they had-" “I don't care about the children,” said Mattox, finally sitting down at his desk. "I want to know about Piff. Has he left yet, did the cook pack food for him, will he be alright?'' The nervous man by the door swallowed, and took a small step forward ''Hasn’t left yet? The group left three days ago!'' "Yes, my Lord, We are aware of that,” said the Rakest, and then quickly continued when he saw Lord Mattox opened his mouth to object, “And he will be leaving at noon." "Noon?' I want him gone before noon, Rakest. I want him on the road now!" he pounded his first on the table. “And make sure you see to it at once!” “It shall be done, my Lord,” and with that, he went out the door. As soon as Rakest was gone, Mattox called for another servant, one who he trusted more, and the servant arrived. "You, I want you to find out how that boy, Quen, knows the wizard. If he knows him well, he might turn the wizard against us, and then all my plans will be ruined." “Of which plan do you speak, my lord?'' asked the servant. Mattox was about to tell the man to hurry, but he derided that if anyone should know about the plan, it should be one those who could not leave the castle, and Mattox wanted to tell at least someone of his brilliant plan. "I am going to use the wizard," he said, mysteriously, so the servant would want to here more, but the servant just held a puzzled expression on his face. "Use the wizard, my lord?" “Yes, Strich, use him!" cried Mattox, dramatically throwing his hands up in the air, which made Strich jump. "My Lord," he began, trying to gain permission to leave the room. "Is there a reason why you have called me?" "The Wizard has many powers,” said Mattox, ignoring him, “and with those powers I could become famous throughout the lands! All the kings in the World would bow down to me. Of course, they would have no choice, because with those powers, I could do anything I wanted." By now Strich was becoming more interested in this plan that the king was revealing to him, because this information might be of value to him. “How are you planning to find the wizard if you yourself is not with the guide, my lord?” he added quickly. Mattox laughed unpleasantly, happy that at last he had made Strich curious. He liked the feel of having power over someone, even though he had very much of it as a king. But Mattox wanted more power. He wanted the kind of power that could to more things than what was possible in the human world; for wizards, no doubt, were not all human. “That's me to know, and you to find out!" he replied, and laughed loudly, but then stopped, and put on his usually crabby face. After clearing his throat, he said, ''Let’s get back to the point, shall we? Do you know why I called you here?'' The servant hesitated, and then said, "To tell me of your great plan, my lord?" Mattox eyed Strich, and then turned back to his seat. ''Why would I call you here just to talks about my own brilliance?” He held up his hand when the man opened his month to speak. ''I called you here because I need to make sure that the guide I sent out is not a good friend of the wizard. What I want you to do is track down a few of the boy's relatives and question them. Torture them if you have to, I don’t care." Seeing that Mattox had nothing more to say, Strich spoke up. "There is a rumor that the boy has a sister living in the castle as a maid, so she won't be hard to find." Mattox groaned, leaning back in his chair. "This is not good,” he then saw the puzzled face of Rakest and continued, “if the girl has to be tortured, she would tell everyone in the castle and then the hole kingdom would know that the king tortures little girls for information about their family.” There was a long pause, and Rakest didn’t know whether to break the silence. “What do you expect we should do, my lord?” he asked, slowly. “Oh, I don’t know.” Mattox snapped. “In the morning I will have it, and shall call for you. Now leave me," As soon as Rakest’s foot steps could no longer be heard, Mattox walked over to the corner of the room and lifted the vale from a falcon’s cage, and took the bird out. “Don't worry, my dearest,” said Mattox, stroking the birds feathers, "sometime soon you shall be normal. Someday you and I will rule the kingdom with power. And not just by blood.” the bird then fluttered about it, as if to be talking back. Mattox laughed a single laugh and then put the bird back in its cage. ''But for now, my dearest, you must act like a falcon." And with that, he pulled the vale back over the cage, and the bird remained silent. 2ed version of reading: Spoiler: click to toggle Edited by Allyson, Apr 30 2008, 01:51 PM.
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| Allyson | Apr 13 2008, 08:07 PM Post #2 |
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Anyone? |
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| Megan | Apr 23 2008, 10:09 AM Post #3 |
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Random Words
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I think It's pretty good, but whats the deal with the falcon? but you forgot this. "I am going to use the wizard," he said, mysteriously, so the servant would want to here more, but the servant just held a puzzled expression on his face. "Use the wizard, my lord?" |
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| Allyson | Apr 23 2008, 12:47 PM Post #4 |
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Thanks. You're not suppose to find out that much about the falcon in this chapter. All you know is that Mattox has a falcon, and he's telling it that it'll be normal soon, so you know it's not originally a falcon. That part's right here:
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| Mythic | Apr 30 2008, 12:27 AM Post #5 |
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Fantasy Writer
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Not bad. It got me interested and I would keep reading which is good. By the way when you said the you spelled hole wrong. (whole). Plus, add some description of the characters so people can pictures them. If you dont want to be direct say something like "The nervous man stepped forward and swallowed as he wiped a strand of long brown hair out of his face" You know what I mean? Needs more visual descriptions of the room and characters. The dialouge is good though. I have a falcon in my story too. Ironic! |
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I believe ...... Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. I believe....... That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you. I believe. Do you? | |
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| Allyson | Apr 30 2008, 01:49 PM Post #6 |
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Thanks for your comment. :) I'll correct the spelling error (sometimes I type on to many or one to less), and try to add more description. |
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