the hush

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the hush
Topic Started: Jun 23 2009, 04:08 PM (69 Views)
Likur	Jun 23 2009, 04:08 PM Post #1
Frogs and Penelope (a title of something yet to come) Posts: 83 Group: Writers+ Member #18 Joined: Apr 20, 2008	in the quiet the thermometer spews its mercury the color of our blistered skin; the glass shards and oil oozing beneath our shoes a reminder of the fractured fantasies we had. with the detritus filling my lungs, also the calming fragrance of the cigarette you clench between your cracked lips rasping words of comfort and under the rising paper satellites our shoes tread on the bookstore - blackened splinters of our harbor clawing at our ankles. ghosts of wounded memories emerge from their coffins in the charcoal relics of the riot flames, our childhood washed away by the hoses. we turn with frozen shoulders on the bruised hamlet so that we may have a chance to respire.
	'People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy... ...and I keep it in a jar on my desk.' 'Both Rowling and Meyer, they're speaking directly to young people... The real difference is that Jo Rowling is a terrific writer and Stephenie Meyer can't write worth a darn. She's not very good.' - Stephen King


God.	Jul 9 2009, 01:12 PM Post #2
GOOGLE, IS, GOD. Posts: 182 Group: Writers+ Member #90 Joined: Apr 14, 2009	Quote: in the quiet comma, break up needed. the thermometer Why state the obvious? It's a very ugly word, and if you don't need it - which isn't often - it should be gone. spews its mercury the ~~color~~ Shade. Color sounds ... distorted with the rest. of our blistered skin; Mercury is SILVER, the fact that blisters indicate burning and trouble connotes RED. Bad comparison. the glass shards and oil oozing beneath our shoes Why have "shoes"? Get rid of it, and add a "s" on the end of "our". Looks odd, better with how you can use a faint twist of illiteration with "oil oozing", could replace "beneath" with "nether". Adds a little demonic flicker with the other parts of the piece. Seems good to me. a reminder of ~~the~~ fractured fantasies we had. Bit brittle of a line. You were progressing with a strong "damnation" word arrangement. I guess if you want to switch placement of tone. I'll see if you carry on. with the ~~detritus~~Might as well have had "crap" in there for all that word did for your meter. "Rubble", "Remnants" or "scree" are good replacements. filling my lungs, also the calming fragrance of the cigarette you clench Mixed metaphor good, instant switch of tone bad. "Demonic > Fragile > Demonic", have some sense in it. between your cracked lips rasping words of comfort and under the rising paper satellites our shoes tread on the bookstore - blackened splinters of our harbor clawing at our ankles. ghosts of wounded memories emerge from their coffins in the charcoal relics of the riot flames, our childhood washed away by the hoses. we turn with frozen shoulders on the bruised hamlet so that we may have a chance to respire. Will finish later.
	Everybody loves the universe. If you can look past the black holes, the rogue asteroids, the gym teachers, and that paper boy who keeps throwing your magazines into the bushes, it's a simple place most of us can call a happy home. It's a good thing. However, even the obviously non-sentient universe has a sense of irony. You see, the universe is going to end. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not 10120 years from now, but it will happen. One of the ways science predicts our inevitable demise is by pissing off God. But that's another story. Instead, another way that science predicts the universe will cease to function is through the "heat death of the universe" theory.


Likur	Jul 10 2009, 02:31 PM Post #3
Frogs and Penelope (a title of something yet to come) Posts: 83 Group: Writers+ Member #18 Joined: Apr 20, 2008	Thanks for the crit. I was working on this with someone on another site, so I have a second draft, except stupid, stupid me forgot to save a copy of it, so I'm waiting for that person to send it back. In the meantime, though, I have a couple comments: I didn't use capitalization because I find it annoying in poetry and it pastes a big red sign across the period at the end of a sentence saying END OF SENTENCE! which interrupts the flow for me, especially when the sentence ends in the middle of a line. Quote: Mercury is SILVER, the fact that blisters indicate burning and trouble connotes RED. Bad comparison. Mercury from the thermometer. It's red. Leastways, all the thermometers I've seen have red mercury.
	'People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy... ...and I keep it in a jar on my desk.' 'Both Rowling and Meyer, they're speaking directly to young people... The real difference is that Jo Rowling is a terrific writer and Stephenie Meyer can't write worth a darn. She's not very good.' - Stephen King


Likur	Jul 12 2009, 09:26 AM Post #4
Frogs and Penelope (a title of something yet to come) Posts: 83 Group: Writers+ Member #18 Joined: Apr 20, 2008	Deeply apologizing for double posting: in the gnawing quiet the thermometer spits mercury, its color our blistered skin and bleeding fantasies strewing the streets in glass shards and oil stains. with the remnants coating my lungs, the calming fragrance of the cigarette you clench between your cracked lips a circumvention around the lament of the spiraling paper satellites as they farewell their former harbor, choked in begrudging blackened splinters that claw our ankles like ghosts of wounded memories emerged from their coffins in the charcoal relics of the riot fires that the hoses could not sweep away though they took our childhood, so we turned with frozen shoulders on the vanquished folk in hopes we might someday respire. Edited by Likur, Jul 12 2009, 09:28 AM.
	'People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy... ...and I keep it in a jar on my desk.' 'Both Rowling and Meyer, they're speaking directly to young people... The real difference is that Jo Rowling is a terrific writer and Stephenie Meyer can't write worth a darn. She's not very good.' - Stephen King


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