WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT MY POEM!!??

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WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT MY POEM!!??; IT'S CALLED LIFTED.
Topic Started: May 20 2009, 01:34 PM (66 Views)
waldotrilla	May 20 2009, 01:34 PM Post #1
Random Words Posts: 12 Group: Writers Member #95 Joined: May 20, 2009	LIFTED :dance: i need you like smoke in my lungs. not that im addicted i just like the way you make me feel. lets not get high but lifted. lifted like a ford pickup. or better yet a dodge. lifted so high it's impossible to look back down. others can not join us so they just sit and frown :( i'd try to invite but im just too up there like a kite. with your heartbeat on full blast. it plays my favorite song. and then we can chill like a fridge for about an hour or 2 til the sun turns blue. and when it does we can go to the moon. spaceship for 2. spaceship for u. and i. till i die. and then i exhale. oh well...



Icey	May 21 2009, 03:36 PM Post #2
Let's play a love game, play a love game... Posts: 888 Group: Administrators Member #38 Joined: Aug 4, 2008	Alright, personally, I can't write poetry. Not my thing. But I can critique the style. And if I seem harsh, it's not to be mean, it's to help you improve. On theme: The romance/high theme is cute, but slightly cliche. I guess yeah, being in love feels like some sort of high, but...it makes for a rather....odd theme to run with. Formatting: I don't think it's necessary to double space the whole poem out. Single spacing would have worked a lot better. And, unless I just didn't see that this was a part of the poem's style...proofreading is your friend. Capitalize the I's, put the apostrophes where they need to be. It makes you look like an amateur writer, and it makes you look lazy if you don't proofread. However, if that is the poem's style...I dunno, it's a little strange. Quote: i need you like smoke in my lungs. not that im addicted i just like the way you make me feel. Cute opener, but again, a bit cliche. With all the anti-drug propaganda floating around, a lot of people would have a negative look on the whole "smoke in my lungs" line and be like, "wtf?" about it. Quote: lets not get high but lifted. lifted like a ford pickup. or better yet a dodge. lifted so high it's impossible to look back down. others can not join us so they just sit and frown :( Okay, first off, I really don't like the use of smileys in a poem. It takes away from anything remotely professional looking and makes it seem...like it shouldn't be taken seriously. And you kind of lost me with the whole ford/dodge reference. It could have been cut altogether because it seems out of place with the rest of the poem and its main theme. Quote: i'd try to invite but im just too up there like a kite. Lost me here as well since who is being invited and to what is never elaborated on clearly, unless you're talking about the line above, about the people who want to join. Quote: with your heartbeat on full blast. it plays my favorite song. Again, cute and a bit cliche. It doesn't flow well either, with how you end each line with a period. Makes the "with your..." part a sentence fragment. Quote: and then we can chill like a fridge for about an hour or 2 til the sun turns blue. and when it does we can go to the moon. "...chill like a fridge..." is horribly cliche and could have been written much better. I'm also against using single-digit numbers, but rather spelling them out, but if that's how the style of the poem is meant to be... Quote: spaceship for 2. spaceship for u. and i. till i die. To be honest, I think you lost me here as well. I already explained the numbers thing. But I also absolutely abhor the use of "netspeak" in poetry and stories unless there's a specific purpose. That said, spell out the "u," please. Also, "spaceship for two" kind of implies that it's for "you and I," so the next two lines are rather redundant. Quote: and then i exhale. oh well... "oh well".....I think you could have found a better way to end the poem. This is anticlimactic, like you couldn't think of a way to end it and just slapped a filler in. It's like driving on a road and suddenly....brick wall. And it leaves the reader wondering, "What was that?" Overall, the poem has potential. It just needs a lot of work.
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waldotrilla	May 21 2009, 06:41 PM Post #3
Random Words Posts: 12 Group: Writers Member #95 Joined: May 20, 2009	thanks alot. its double spaced because i copied it off my myspace and thats how its comes out. yes i did not bother to proof read. yes i was actually on drugs when i wrote it, so that is exactly the theme. the ford/dodge reference is because me and my friends have "lifts" on our trucks, therefore we have "lifted" trucks. also "lifted" is another word for being "high". being high as a kite, means being really high and feeling way good. and yes it's referring to the previous people. the whole sun/moon thing is about getting so high we're in space, and it just both of us in a "spaceship of love" so to say. the beggining starts with "i need you like smoke in my lungs" which means i am inhaling. at the end i say "then i exhale". it's like the high wears off and its back to reality. i hope that explains.



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