03/05/09 - Entry One

Welcome to Writers Realm!
This is a community dedicated to writing, what it takes to be a writer. Anyone can join! We'd love to see you around the site. Take part in our writing discussions, give feedback on stories posted and maybe share some of your own! But don't think you have to be a writer to join Writers Realm - there are plenty of other forums. Take part in a club or play a forum game with us. We're all friendly and we'd love to welcome you into our community!
Click here to register! Completely free of charge.

03/05/09 - Entry One
Topic Started: May 13 2009, 07:06 PM (57 Views)
Sammi	May 13 2009, 07:06 PM Post #1
Random Words Posts: 22 Group: Writers+ Member #94 Joined: May 12, 2009	I literally write poetry in my journal/diary, instead of writing directly. I was excited about my entries, because this was my first time doing it and it just flows so well ^^ Take note that the title means the date of my writing it. 03/05/09 - Entry One I danced but I screamed. Only on the outside I trance to the demons in me. I forwarded so delicately onto the dance floor, where players pushed me off stage. I was no one; no matter how much I tried to survive. I wasn't anyone. The routine was not something I rehearsed, but rather something I improvised. Everyone else kept within the lines, while I strayed to nowhere. I know nothing of the stage; like a singer making words up as she goes along, when she doesn't even know the song. Could she even be called a singer? Could I even be called a human? I know He is guiding me through; casting affliction upon me as gold. I'm uncertain about marching further ahead, because I can't be strong like Savy, too. The girl I speak of marches further than anyone else I've known, and has more gold than anyone could ever have. What do I have? I barely have any of my own. Did I really grow? Have I really ripened? I never know. And never will. I'm kind of new at writing poetry, so feel free to critique and/or comment on my work ^^
	~Sam


Allyson	May 13 2009, 08:55 PM Post #2
Observer of all Posts: 2,337 Group: Root Administrator Member #1 Joined: Jan 29, 2008	I'll use red as my thoughts, since the others might not go well with the other themes. Quote: I danced but I screamed. Only on the outside I trance to the demons in me. First you're in past tense, and then you're in present tense...you should probably correct that, unless I'm missing something. I forwarded so delicately onto the dance floor, where players pushed me off stage. I like that part... I was no one; no matter how much I tried to survive. I wasn't anyone. 'I was no one;' is a lot better than 'I wasn't anyone.' since that doesn't really seem to flow The routine was not something I rehearsed, but rather something I improvised. Everyone else kept within the lines, while I strayed to nowhere. change 'nowhere' to something else, like 'everywhere else' or something I know nothing of the stage; like a singer making words up try switching that around -- something similar to 'like a singer making up the words' as she goes along, when she doesn't even take out the 'even' know the song. Could she even be called a singer? Could I even be called a human? this sentence needs something, whether it needs to be re-arranged or have words added I know He is guiding me through; It's kind of hard to tell who you're talking about casting affliction upon me as gold. I'm uncertain about marching further ahead, because I can't be strong like Savy,Savy? Huh? too. The girl I speak of marches further than anyone else I've known, and has more gold than anyone could ever have. What do I have? I barely have any of my own. Did I really grow? Have I really ripened? I never know. And never will. On some parts I was sort of lost, and didn't know what the words were saying, but there were some parts I really liked too. :)
	Check out my deviantART page!


Sammi	May 13 2009, 09:49 PM Post #3
Random Words Posts: 22 Group: Writers+ Member #94 Joined: May 12, 2009	There are personal things in this poem most people wouldn't get because they don't know my past, feelings, or life-story. And I would like to clarify things you're confused about. Quote: First you're in past tense, and then you're in present tense...you should probably correct that, unless I'm missing something. Um.... Whoops O.o I didn't even write that sentence correctly; it says something different in my actual journal. I forgot to proofread once I copied off of my notebook. Sorry ^^; Quote: I know nothing of the stage; like a singer making words up try switching that around -- something similar to 'like a singer making up the words' as she goes along, I totally know what you mean. I struggled trying to find the right words for this metaphor O.o. Quote: I know He is guiding me through; It's kind of hard to tell who you're talking about That's why I respectfully capitalized His name :) Quote: because I can't be strong like Savy,Savy? Huh? too. It's a personal thing.
	~Sam


UnknownSoldier	May 17 2009, 03:04 PM Post #4
iBelieve Posts: 435 Group: Writers Member #57 Joined: Oct 25, 2008	Adding on to Allyson: Quote: Could she even be called a singer? Could I even be called a human? "Called" isn't the greatest word here. Try "considered", "recognized as", "regarded as", "deemed", "viewed".. Quote: I'm uncertain about marching further ahead, because I can't be strong like Savy, too. Why "too"? Quote: The girl I speak of marches further than anyone else I've known, and has more gold than anyone could ever have. What do I have? I barely have any of my own. Did I really grow? Have I really ripened? I never know. And never will. I don't get the ending. That's all I have to say. The first and second verse were good.. then it got confusing.
	Faith. Hope. Love. Vengeance. Heart. Pain. Charisma. Fate.


waldotrilla	May 20 2009, 01:26 PM Post #5
Random Words Posts: 12 Group: Writers Member #95 Joined: May 20, 2009	:horseboy: i reallly really like it. i suck at critiquing



1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous)


« Previous Topic · Poet and Songwriter's Handbook · Next Topic »