White Doubt

Welcome to Writers Realm!
This is a community dedicated to writing, what it takes to be a writer. Anyone can join! We'd love to see you around the site. Take part in our writing discussions, give feedback on stories posted and maybe share some of your own! But don't think you have to be a writer to join Writers Realm - there are plenty of other forums. Take part in a club or play a forum game with us. We're all friendly and we'd love to welcome you into our community!
Click here to register! Completely free of charge.

White Doubt
Topic Started: May 5 2009, 03:15 PM (112 Views)
God.	May 5 2009, 03:15 PM Post #1
GOOGLE, IS, GOD. Posts: 182 Group: Writers+ Member #90 Joined: Apr 14, 2009	[temporarily removed] Edited by God., May 23 2009, 05:21 PM.
	Everybody loves the universe. If you can look past the black holes, the rogue asteroids, the gym teachers, and that paper boy who keeps throwing your magazines into the bushes, it's a simple place most of us can call a happy home. It's a good thing. However, even the obviously non-sentient universe has a sense of irony. You see, the universe is going to end. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not 10120 years from now, but it will happen. One of the ways science predicts our inevitable demise is by pissing off God. But that's another story. Instead, another way that science predicts the universe will cease to function is through the "heat death of the universe" theory.


UnknownSoldier	May 17 2009, 02:53 PM Post #2
iBelieve Posts: 435 Group: Writers Member #57 Joined: Oct 25, 2008	Quote: Cutting through. Just like champagne petals. Vanilla scorched into seething. Mosaics of candles and shadows; some black among the gowns, there's some red too. Pretty. Elegant. Deceptive. What are champagne petals? I'd remove the "just", bumping the "like" up a line, adding a single syllable adjective before "champagne". I'm not liking "scorched into seething" either. Maybe "scorching and/then seething"? "A mosaic" instead of "mosaics". "Some black among the gowns" isn't right, either. Black is an adjective, and gown is plainly a noun. Even if it were "black among the darkness/lights" works because dark and light can be both nouns and adjectives. Comma there can be a period, ..., or a second semi-colon. Quote: Rubber on the inside. Blank. Dead. Concealed, a wrapping of flesh - more bone. Hollow knives in the draw, not sharp, not new. Old. Stupid. Tedious. The second verse was fine in my opinion. Maybe I just didn't understand the first?
	Faith. Hope. Love. Vengeance. Heart. Pain. Charisma. Fate.


God.	May 22 2009, 03:14 PM Post #3
GOOGLE, IS, GOD. Posts: 182 Group: Writers+ Member #90 Joined: Apr 14, 2009	Would agree with you on most. Champagne petals are a thing of beauty, used them to convey that such perfect precision can seer even the bare fanaticism of it. I have a picture here: Petals. I used black amongst the gowns to convey more of an image that the "gown" is marriage and that black and red (being infectious and rather insidious colours) connoted the cancer behind it. It's a little complicated, but most of my metaphors are. Because I'm badass. Yeah, any point you specifically got lost on in that first stanza then?
	Everybody loves the universe. If you can look past the black holes, the rogue asteroids, the gym teachers, and that paper boy who keeps throwing your magazines into the bushes, it's a simple place most of us can call a happy home. It's a good thing. However, even the obviously non-sentient universe has a sense of irony. You see, the universe is going to end. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not 10120 years from now, but it will happen. One of the ways science predicts our inevitable demise is by pissing off God. But that's another story. Instead, another way that science predicts the universe will cease to function is through the "heat death of the universe" theory.


UnknownSoldier	May 22 2009, 09:33 PM Post #4
iBelieve Posts: 435 Group: Writers Member #57 Joined: Oct 25, 2008	After "mosaics of candles and shadows". Does that help any?
	Faith. Hope. Love. Vengeance. Heart. Pain. Charisma. Fate.


God.	May 23 2009, 06:29 AM Post #5
GOOGLE, IS, GOD. Posts: 182 Group: Writers+ Member #90 Joined: Apr 14, 2009	Yes, it does. I'm trying to edit this to maximum proximity, I'm wondering whether to insert a few less complicated theory parts in there, but I'm worried it'll clot. Think that as it is now it's a little stupid due to all the density in it ... I'm rambling now. I'll edit, give it time.
	Everybody loves the universe. If you can look past the black holes, the rogue asteroids, the gym teachers, and that paper boy who keeps throwing your magazines into the bushes, it's a simple place most of us can call a happy home. It's a good thing. However, even the obviously non-sentient universe has a sense of irony. You see, the universe is going to end. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not 10120 years from now, but it will happen. One of the ways science predicts our inevitable demise is by pissing off God. But that's another story. Instead, another way that science predicts the universe will cease to function is through the "heat death of the universe" theory.


1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous)


« Previous Topic · Poet and Songwriter's Handbook · Next Topic »