Wonderful

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Wonderful; Poems at Night
Topic Started: May 1 2009, 06:23 PM (110 Views)
Allyson	May 1 2009, 06:23 PM Post #1
Observer of all Posts: 2,337 Group: Root Administrator Member #1 Joined: Jan 29, 2008	I got the idea for this one night when I was laying in bed, feeling happy...and I thought of poetry, as I usually do when I feel happy. :P I know it's a little long, but I'd appreciate it if you took the time to read it... The whole family is sleeping soundly There isn’t a single sound anywhere No cats or dogs make noises out side And only the moon can be seen through the window I lay awake, once again Every night it happens Every night I am still awake As everyone else in the house sleeps Images are playing in my mind Trying to unravel themselves And form words Endless shapes from my mind Gather before my eyes And then evaporate, as more appear I think it is wonderful Lovely images and shapes Dancing to the silence of the room Of the night All sorts of colors shimmer around me Dancing to the peace Dancing to the silence And then they all disappear A cricket chirps out side; And a small blue design appears in the air But then fade My sister snorts in her sleep; A few tiny fireworks explode soundlessly in the air And turn into shimmers of light It looks wonderful I feel myself relax The feeling of the soft pillow beneath my head Is calling to me Whispering to me about the things I might experience When I let myself fall into a deep sleep I listen and imagine to tales of the beauty And the horror And the colors Everything is whispering; My soft pillow The night The darkness around me And all my memories of wonderful, And exciting dreams of the past And it sounds wonderful But I do not wish to go there yet I want to do something more Before I let myself be taken Deep within my mind Where adventure lay I want to do something more Before I sleep, Before I dream I want to write a poem And it shall be wonderful Already the colors and shapes are forming, All around me Out of thin air they appear And dance around my head And then they are words in my head In a few hours time, When the sun is up and I wake, I will have forgotten all the colors and words from this moment But it is alright I can write another poem the next night… And it shall be wonderful!
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God.	May 3 2009, 07:54 AM Post #2
GOOGLE, IS, GOD. Posts: 182 Group: Writers+ Member #90 Joined: Apr 14, 2009	Quote: The whole family is sleeping <-- Sleeping is a tough word, compared you're using the soft soundly next. So, you're mixing up meter, which doesn't co-operate with assonance. soundly There isn’t a single sound anywhere You've lived the life of an equilibrium. Don't capitalize the start of every line, you're stopping a sentence after each as a result, not to mention the fact your breaking up what you intend for enjambement and messing your presentation into boring linear pattern. As much as you want rhythm and effectiveness through your words, you don't need it to be a repeating crossword. Quote: No cats or dogs make noises outOne word. Conjoin the two.side Will finish later.
	Everybody loves the universe. If you can look past the black holes, the rogue asteroids, the gym teachers, and that paper boy who keeps throwing your magazines into the bushes, it's a simple place most of us can call a happy home. It's a good thing. However, even the obviously non-sentient universe has a sense of irony. You see, the universe is going to end. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not 10120 years from now, but it will happen. One of the ways science predicts our inevitable demise is by pissing off God. But that's another story. Instead, another way that science predicts the universe will cease to function is through the "heat death of the universe" theory.


UnknownSoldier	May 17 2009, 02:39 PM Post #3
iBelieve Posts: 435 Group: Writers Member #57 Joined: Oct 25, 2008	Spelling, etc has been corrected during read-through. Quote: The whole family is sleeping soundly There isn’t a single sound anywhere No cats or dogs make noises outside And only the moon can be seen through the window I don't see a problem with "sleeping soundly" like Core was saying, but the last line needs rearranging. I think "are making" would be a better choice for the 3rd line, because you use "sleeping" in the first line. Quote: I lay awake, once again Every night it happens Every night I am still awake As everyone else in the house sleeps "I lay awake, awake again" in the first line instead? I like the sound of the extra syllable. Also, what exactly is "it"? I'm not getting any hints from the next verses, and it doesn't help any when you say "it's wonderful", because i still don't know what "it" is. Is "it" the hallucinations, maybe imagination (that's what it sounds like) in the following 5-ish verses? The soothing atmosphere/surroundings described in the verses following? The thoughts in your head? Or writing a poem? Quote: Images are playing in my mind Trying to unravel themselves And form words Endless shapes from my mind Gather before my eyes And then evaporate, as more appear I think it is wonderful I think you should replace "and" with "to" in the third line. And the last line: "Evaporating, as more appear", or "The shapes evaporate, as more appear".. play with it. Quote: Lovely images and shapes Dancing to the silence of the room Of the night More reason to use "to form words" instead, because you do the same with this verse. Quote: All sorts of colors shimmer around me Dancing to the peace Dancing to the silence And then they all disappear I always find "color" without a U weird. In my mind, it's always "colour". I get nabbed in IT for that (HTML uses American spelling). Anyways. Maybe it's just me, but I've never liked the sound of "all sorts of -". Quote: A cricket chirps outside; And a small blue design appears in the air But then fade My sister snorts in her sleep; A few tiny fireworks explode soundlessly in the air And turn into shimmers of light It looks wonderful This is starting to sound like someone on LSD.. :S I believe semicolon use in this verse is inaccurate, however, I'm not an English major. You're missing a word in the third line, was it "but then IT fades"? There's one too many syllables in the fourth line, maybe "miniature" instead of "a few tiny"? Quote: I feel myself relax The feeling of the soft pillow beneath my head Is calling to me Whispering to me about the things I might experience When I let myself fall into a deep sleep I listen and imagine to tales of the beauty And the horror And the colors The feeling is calling to you? A little strange, but passable, I guess. "The" can be removed from the fourth line. The "and"s in the final two lines aren't necessary either, but it depends on the type of voice you're going for. A list would be without "and"s, while someone who's excited would use them. Quote: Everything is whispering; My soft pillow The night The darkness around me And all my memories of wonderful, And exciting dreams of the past And it sounds wonderful Again, watch the "and"s. I like the fifth line. Quote: But I do not wish to go there yet I want to do something more Before I let myself be taken Deep within my mind Where adventure lay I want to do something more Before I sleep, Before I dream I want to write a poem And it shall be wonderful Where are you going? The dreams of the past? Fifth line needs to be either: "Where adventures lay" or "Where adventure lays", probably just a typing error. I like the restating of "I want to do something more". I'd change the "wonderful" line to "I want it to be wonderful", because you use "I want" three times. Quote: Already the colors and shapes are forming, All around me Out of thin air they appear And dance around my head And then they are words in my head "Dancing arround my head" would be better, also elimintating the "and". Quote: In a few hours time, When the sun is up and I wake, I will have forgotten all the colors, All the words from this moment Unless you had some type of structure going on- which frankly, I haven't notcied- I changed the end of that verse to fit better with the lengths of the other lines. Quote: But it is alright I can write another poem the next night… And it shall be wonderful! Usually we don't say "the next night" unless we're talking about something in the past (ie. 'I found his blood on the floor, and the next night it was gone'). Reword. The last line is also reason to change the line a few up, because each "wonderful" line has been different, and these last two are the same. Basically, change wording, watch punctuation.. and the "and"s. Yeah. It got better near the end, and I like the recurring "wonderful"s, but it did sound kinda sloppy like you wrote it all at once and didn't bother to revise it. Or is that what it is? This wasn't the greatest post, either, I was tiring through the middle of the poem, it's very long. Maybe Core will have other points? Edited by UnknownSoldier, May 17 2009, 02:40 PM.
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Allyson	May 27 2009, 04:31 PM Post #4
Observer of all Posts: 2,337 Group: Root Administrator Member #1 Joined: Jan 29, 2008	My post up top will have an edited version now... Quote: Quote: I lay awake, once again Every night it happens Every night I am still awake As everyone else in the house sleeps "I lay awake, awake again" in the first line instead? I like the sound of the extra syllable. Also, what exactly is "it"? I'm not getting any hints from the next verses, and it doesn't help any when you say "it's wonderful", because i still don't know what "it" is. Is "it" the hallucinations, maybe imagination (that's what it sounds like) in the following 5-ish verses? The soothing atmosphere/surroundings described in the verses following? The thoughts in your head? Or writing a poem? "it" is suppose to be staying away while everyone else is asleep. I'll change it. Quote: Quote: Lovely images and shapes Dancing to the silence of the room Of the night More reason to use "to form words" instead, because you do the same with this verse. That makes sense. Quote: Quote: All sorts of colors shimmer around me Dancing to the peace Dancing to the silence And then they all disappear I always find "color" without a U weird. In my mind, it's always "colour". I get nabbed in IT for that (HTML uses American spelling). Anyways. Maybe it's just me, but I've never liked the sound of "all sorts of -". Would "all types of..." be better? Quote: Quote: I feel myself relax The feeling of the soft pillow beneath my head Is calling to me Whispering to me about the things I might experience When I let myself fall into a deep sleep I listen and imagine to tales of the beauty And the horror And the colors The feeling is calling to you? A little strange, but passable, I guess. "The" can be removed from the fourth line. The "and"s in the final two lines aren't necessary either, but it depends on the type of voice you're going for. A list would be without "and"s, while someone who's excited would use them. Yeah, I think it would be better without the "The" , and I'll take out one "and". :) Quote: Quote: But I do not wish to go there yet I want to do something more Before I let myself be taken Deep within my mind Where adventure lay I want to do something more Before I sleep, Before I dream I want to write a poem And it shall be wonderful Where are you going? The dreams of the past? Fifth line needs to be either: "Where adventures lay" or "Where adventure lays", probably just a typing error. I like the restating of "I want to do something more". I'd change the "wonderful" line to "I want it to be wonderful", because you use "I want" three times. Okay, makes sense. Quote: It got better near the end, and I like the recurring "wonderful"s, but it did sound kinda sloppy like you wrote it all at once and didn't bother to revise it. Or is that what it is? This wasn't the greatest post, either, I was tiring through the middle of the poem, it's very long. Maybe Core will have other points? Well, I only wrote it about two weeks before I posted it here...sorry if it sounds sloppy. I really need to work on my poetry! Yes, it is very long. Maybe I should have posted it in parts. Oh well. Thanks a lot UnknownSoldier! I'll go edit now, and then edit my first post...but not right this minute. :) Edited by Allyson, May 27 2009, 04:33 PM.
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