Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]


Welcome to Writers Realm!
This is a community dedicated to writing, what it takes to be a writer. Anyone can join! We'd love to see you around the site. Take part in our writing discussions, give feedback on stories posted and maybe share some of your own! But don't think you have to be a writer to join Writers Realm - there are plenty of other forums. Take part in a club or play a forum game with us. We're all friendly and we'd love to welcome you into our community!
Click here to register! Completely free of charge.

Username:   Password:
Add Reply
Apples in an A-Tree.
Topic Started: Apr 27 2009, 02:22 PM (111 Views)
God.
Member Avatar
GOOGLE, IS, GOD.
[ * ]
Code:
 
Guess it ain't so common 'round 'ere,
gotta admit,
it's been a while since I've 'eard a mortar too;
I'm startin' to miss that old death.
'Spose that's its run though, innit? It stops,
people buy,
people die,
that's progress!


Haven't attempted this in a while, crit me! Crit me, dears! Crit me!
Edited by God., Apr 27 2009, 02:23 PM.
Everybody loves the universe. If you can look past the black holes, the rogue asteroids, the gym teachers, and that paper boy who keeps throwing your magazines into the bushes, it's a simple place most of us can call a happy home. It's a good thing. However, even the obviously non-sentient universe has a sense of irony. You see, the universe is going to end. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not 10120 years from now, but it will happen. One of the ways science predicts our inevitable demise is by pissing off God. But that's another story. Instead, another way that science predicts the universe will cease to function is through the "heat death of the universe" theory.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Allyson
Member Avatar
Observer of all
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
I don't get what it's about... ^o)


Check out my deviantART page!
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
God.
Member Avatar
GOOGLE, IS, GOD.
[ * ]
And that didn't sound dense ...

Think about the words, how they're pronounced and what sort of aged person would say it. Then think about mortar and "runs", what the two often coincide with. Then you have "progress" with "buy" and "die" before hand, have a stab about where the two fit in to contemplated history.
Everybody loves the universe. If you can look past the black holes, the rogue asteroids, the gym teachers, and that paper boy who keeps throwing your magazines into the bushes, it's a simple place most of us can call a happy home. It's a good thing. However, even the obviously non-sentient universe has a sense of irony. You see, the universe is going to end. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not 10120 years from now, but it will happen. One of the ways science predicts our inevitable demise is by pissing off God. But that's another story. Instead, another way that science predicts the universe will cease to function is through the "heat death of the universe" theory.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Tempest
Member Avatar
Gasp!
[ * ]
Huh.

Interesting piece. I'm curious as to why it's in code, though maybe the code was supposed to help format. Code on Zetaboards doesn't do that. Unfortunate, but true. [Okay. So I really just want to know if there was an interesting format to this.]

The dialect is both interesting and hindering, and I blame it all on the world "mortar." It's an actual word, a mixture of lime and cement, and it threw me off at first. With dialect, be careful, especially if things are actual spellings. It would be different if you found a way to give it a double meaning, but you didn't. I'd change it to motor.

I like how it feels like rhythmic dialogue. That's what you've got going for you.

I don't have much to say on this. I will look out for your other stuff, though.
Posted Image
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous)
« Previous Topic · Poet and Songwriter's Handbook · Next Topic »
Add Reply

Theme created by Heretic/Hawtsauce and converted by Jenny of the ZetaBoards Theme Zone.