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Topic Started: Apr 18 2009, 05:27 AM (101 Views)
God.	Apr 18 2009, 05:27 AM Post #1
GOOGLE, IS, GOD. Posts: 182 Group: Writers+ Member #90 Joined: Apr 14, 2009	READ THIS FIRST. This is NOT poetry, but it is NOT prose either. You're reading blurred work, otherwise known as experimental writing. You cannot critique it AS singular prose or poetry, you must combine both to give the full score that's required. It's filled with metaphor, so I'd be appreciative if someone found the weaker ones. Spoiler: click to toggle Should I? Should I - make the leap of faith among the paintings, spun into a masterpiece of self-delusion, catching myself within delirium? Like a burst schizophrenic - always playing........ with some melancholy. Am I? Am I - crying with no tears, a puddle caught in turmoil and tedium, with its soft slithers of heat resting on shoulders? Even with my conference of grievance I can still glaze out of that skin. Could I? Could I - swab my heart with gold and silver, so you could see my false riches? No, I shouldn't (I couldn't). No, twist it, see also no, twisting, see also no, twisted.
	Everybody loves the universe. If you can look past the black holes, the rogue asteroids, the gym teachers, and that paper boy who keeps throwing your magazines into the bushes, it's a simple place most of us can call a happy home. It's a good thing. However, even the obviously non-sentient universe has a sense of irony. You see, the universe is going to end. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not 10120 years from now, but it will happen. One of the ways science predicts our inevitable demise is by pissing off God. But that's another story. Instead, another way that science predicts the universe will cease to function is through the "heat death of the universe" theory.


Allyson	Apr 18 2009, 07:55 PM Post #2
Observer of all Posts: 2,337 Group: Root Administrator Member #1 Joined: Jan 29, 2008	Since I've never read this kind of writing before, I'm not even going to try to critique it. I'm just going to say that I thought it was interesting. :)
	Check out my deviantART page!


UnknownSoldier	Apr 19 2009, 01:05 PM Post #3
iBelieve Posts: 435 Group: Writers Member #57 Joined: Oct 25, 2008	This is going to sound like a mess, but: It's overloaded. At least it feels overloaded. I can't distinguish metaphor from embellishment. It's just.. not easy to understand. If you and some can understand it, and if that's what you're aiming for, no one's going to stop you, but from where I- and others, likely- stand, it's suffocating to do much more than skimming. I would say I like the way you write if I could understand it. .. does that make any sense?
	Faith. Hope. Love. Vengeance. Heart. Pain. Charisma. Fate.


God.	Apr 19 2009, 01:40 PM Post #4
GOOGLE, IS, GOD. Posts: 182 Group: Writers+ Member #90 Joined: Apr 14, 2009	Yeah, it does. Main reason I posted it here too, I have concept and good use of metaphor, but I often explode it in the face of the reader. Think the worst is in the first paragraph/stanza whatever it is. (I'm debating between Paraza and Stanagraph) If you could go over it with an underline tool, no need to make actual comments if you don't want to, that'd be fine.
	Everybody loves the universe. If you can look past the black holes, the rogue asteroids, the gym teachers, and that paper boy who keeps throwing your magazines into the bushes, it's a simple place most of us can call a happy home. It's a good thing. However, even the obviously non-sentient universe has a sense of irony. You see, the universe is going to end. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not 10120 years from now, but it will happen. One of the ways science predicts our inevitable demise is by pissing off God. But that's another story. Instead, another way that science predicts the universe will cease to function is through the "heat death of the universe" theory.


UnknownSoldier	Apr 19 2009, 02:25 PM Post #5
iBelieve Posts: 435 Group: Writers Member #57 Joined: Oct 25, 2008	Right. Here goes. From a slightly confused point of view, anyways. Quote: make the leap of faith among the paintings, spun into a masterpiece of self-delusion, "Painting" and "masterpiece" are commonly used in eachother's place, though they are different. Unless there's some hidden structure/rhythm, I'd change it to something like "epic masterpiece". Of course, "epic" is slang.. you probably have a better word. Are the paintings like, scenes ? That's what I'm getting. Quote: catching myself within delirium? Like a burst schizophrenic - always playing........ with some melancholy. "Some melancholy"? I may have the wrong idea of the word, having never used it, but in a simple definition.. you're playing with some sadness? Huh? Quote: crying with no tears, a puddle caught in turmoil and tedium, with its soft slithers of heat resting on shoulders? Maybe "crying, but shedding no tears"? Also, a puddle can't exactly be "caught". If it's something to do with a metaphor (which I still can't find definitely), try to find a word that works more closely to the what's written as well as what's meant. And um, what shoulders? It's almost uncharacteristic to the rest (of the piece) to leave it like that. Quote: Even with my conference of grievance I can still glaze out of that skin. Even after looking it up, I'm not sure I understand what a conference of grievance is. Quote: No, I shouldn't (I couldn't). I like how you brought the should/could thing back. Quote: No, twist it, see also no, twisting, see also no, twisted. First time I skimmed this I thought there was gonna be some type of dictionary/grammar theme behind the words; are the "see also"'s really necessary? I think I did better than I thought I would, hope it helps? ^o) PS: Critiquing (or attempting to, anyways) it actually helped me understand it better. I still can't dig out the metaphors, but I like it. Edited by UnknownSoldier, Apr 19 2009, 02:29 PM.
	Faith. Hope. Love. Vengeance. Heart. Pain. Charisma. Fate.


God.	Apr 19 2009, 02:43 PM Post #6
GOOGLE, IS, GOD. Posts: 182 Group: Writers+ Member #90 Joined: Apr 14, 2009	I wish there was a rep system so I could rep that, pretty good for something you didn't entirely understand. The schizophrenia thing, I used it to show that one within madness is always dejected. That's all. Thanks for the crit though.
	Everybody loves the universe. If you can look past the black holes, the rogue asteroids, the gym teachers, and that paper boy who keeps throwing your magazines into the bushes, it's a simple place most of us can call a happy home. It's a good thing. However, even the obviously non-sentient universe has a sense of irony. You see, the universe is going to end. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not 10120 years from now, but it will happen. One of the ways science predicts our inevitable demise is by pissing off God. But that's another story. Instead, another way that science predicts the universe will cease to function is through the "heat death of the universe" theory.


UnknownSoldier	Apr 19 2009, 02:45 PM Post #7
iBelieve Posts: 435 Group: Writers Member #57 Joined: Oct 25, 2008	Y'elcome. And thanks. It was fun.. like, challenging-fun, stuff-that-really-shouldn't-be-fun fun, but fun. Yeah.
	Faith. Hope. Love. Vengeance. Heart. Pain. Charisma. Fate.


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