The Hearse

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The Hearse; Beginning of a Novella
Topic Started: Apr 10 2009, 02:43 PM (157 Views)
RedHead97	Apr 10 2009, 02:43 PM Post #1
Writes 50 Words Per Chapter Posts: 273 Group: Writers Member #81 Joined: Feb 21, 2009	This is what I'm writing for April Fool's. These are the opening paragraphs, so I want to know if you would keep on reading after this or if it's too boring. Critiques are also appreciated. ^_^ The Hearse They took me on the day before my twelfth birthday. I remember because on my eleventh birthday, I drew three-hundred and sixty-five scratches on a piece of paper. Each morning after that, I put a line through one of the scratches. Birthdays were special to me, to my whole village, too. On someone’s birthday, we could forget about our troubles and celebrate the life of the person. Each villager would bring a dish to feast on, delicacies like pheasant and corn, we would sing village songs and dance, and enjoy watching the person’s face as they opened a gift from each family in the village. We would say, that was life during our troubles, this is celebration. I, like my grandmother and sister, anxiously anticipated my birthday. Times had grown worse. More villagers had ben laid in the cemetery, and even more still struggled with the disease that was quickly sweeping our population out. Even though this time, the luxuries that we could easily purchase before weren’t available now at any stores, I struggled to contain my excitement as I helped my grandmother and sister make bread for tomorrow. My grandmother smiled as she put a loaf into our oven. She wiped her hands on her apron, turned to face me, and beamed. Her smile stretched even wider across her glowing face as she said, “Well, tomorrow’s the big day. Are you excited?” “Yes!” I rolled my eyes in mock exasperation. “Of course I am! We’ll-” I heard a slam as the door behind me burst open. My words were cut off as a claw-like hand wrapped around my neck and squeezed. I gasped and aimed a backwards kick for what I thought was my attacker. My foot made contact with something hard, which I took to be the leg of the person holding me, and it was met with a scream. I took this to my advantage and wiggled myself free. Spinning around, I tried to get a glimpse of the person. A thin man with a clean-shaven face stood behind me, clutching his shin and cursing under his breath. My grandmother’s and sister’s screams filled the air as several men kicked the door open and grabbed them by their arms. I shouted and punched at the man holding me, but he would not let go. The last thing I saw was my sister, her bright red hair tangled in her struggle to free herself, and my grandmother, her normally shining face twisted with fear, disappear out the door, leaving me behind with the attackers. “Where are you taking me?” I said as the man, tall and wearing a billowy red robe, started to drag me out the door. I dug my heels into the cracked wooden floor. He didn’t answer. If I was going to be kidnapped by these men, I might as well go with my family. I let him get me outside and onto the worn path that led to our front door, but then I stopped. “Where are you taking me?” I repeated, trying not to let the fear in my voice show. “To where Death-Seers like you belong,” he replied. “Come along.” His voice was gruff, not kind, and his words had a malevolent undertone to them that I didn’t like. I gasped. “How do you know that?” I looked around, trying to spot my grandmother, sister and the men who took them, but there was no trace of them, not even a footprint. “Villagers.” The man shrugged, as if the other villagers were stupidly simple people. “Where did you take my family?” I walked with the man and stared at him, trying to get him to answer. He avoided my gaze. “Somewhere.” “What are you going to do with me?” “Enough questions!” he barked. “Now, get in the cart and stay quiet.” I looked up to see a worn, wooden, horse-drawn cart sitting just a few yards up the road. Dense vegetation bordered this path. The sun shone in bright streaks, casting shadows that darted back and forth, like a game. I didn’t know what else to do, since my grandmother and my sister, Jade, had disappeared. There were no other people to help me until the village, which was about a mile away, so I got in. The man motioned to a small trapdoor in the floor of the cart. I opened the door and peered inside. The small room had a musty smell to it, was very small, and almost pitch black. I shuddered. “I’m not going in there! It’s too small!” “Yes, you will.” The robed man pulled a silver sword out of the belt around his robe. The guard looked like a pair of wings, but the sword itself looked as if it had been used for much more sinister purposes. Tiny droplets of red stained the blade, which I realized, with a jolt, was blood. I pulled the door open wider and dropped into the room. The man slammed the door shut behind me, and a wave of nausea immediately swept over me. The room was so tiny that I had to lay down and curl into a ball to fit. The only light came from a small crack in the wall, and that light barely comforted me. The cart began moving, slowly at first, and it bounced from side to side, as if it would tip over at any second. I buried my face into my lap and tried to fall asleep and forget about my situation and the man with the dagger above me.



Allyson	Apr 10 2009, 05:44 PM Post #2
Observer of all Posts: 2,337 Group: Root Administrator Member #1 Joined: Jan 29, 2008	I thought it was pretty interesting. First let me make sure...the main character is a girl, right? I'm quoting (in order) the things I think you should change. (If you want to find them in your story copy the text I quoted, press Ctrl + F and then paste the text into the box and press enter, and it will go to that part in your story). Quote: “Yes!” I rolled my eyes in mock exasperation. I like how you described it as 'mock exasperation'. Quote: Spinning around, I tried to get a glimpse of the person. A thin man with a clean-shaven face stood behind me, clutching his shin and cursing under his breath. My grandmother’s and sister’s screams filled the air as several men kicked the door open and grabbed them by their arms. I shouted and punched at the man holding me, but he would not let go. But obviously she had gotten away before, when she had turned around to look at him. Quote: “Where are you taking me?” I said as the man, tall and wearing a billowy red robe, I think you're missing an 'and' started to drag me out the door. I think an eleven year old girl who was being dragged off my some stranger would instead be yelling something like, "Let me go! Let me go!" And that's all I really have to say. :) EDIT: By the way, I really like the first sentence of the story. Edited by Allyson, Apr 10 2009, 05:45 PM.
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RedHead97	Apr 10 2009, 05:55 PM Post #3
Writes 50 Words Per Chapter Posts: 273 Group: Writers Member #81 Joined: Feb 21, 2009	Thanks, Allyson. For the 'and' part, if you took away the comma section, then it would read, "I said as the man and started to drag me out the." Is that what you meant, or did you mean something else? About your last comment, the girl (Shauna, by the way) is very smart, and she cares a lot about her family, so since the man is stronger than her, she is smart enough not to keep on struggling, and she knows that the man won't let her. Maybe I didn't show that? Thanks for pointing that out.



Lykaios	Apr 13 2009, 09:59 AM Post #4
Crayon Posts: 1,214 Group: Global Moderators Member #10 Joined: Mar 23, 2008	Crit ticket.
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Allyson	Apr 13 2009, 05:29 PM Post #5
Observer of all Posts: 2,337 Group: Root Administrator Member #1 Joined: Jan 29, 2008	bjullie For the 'and' part, if you took away the comma section, then it would read, "I said as the man and started to drag me out the." Is that what you meant, or did you mean something else? Now that I read it again, I don't know why I said that. Okay, never mind. Sorry. :P bjullie About your last comment, the girl (Shauna, by the way) is very smart, and she cares a lot about her family, so since the man is stronger than her, she is smart enough not to keep on struggling, and she knows that the man won't let her. Maybe I didn't show that? Thanks for pointing that out. First I think you could show how much she does love her family, or when she's helping in the kitchen she could be trying to help everyone, or something like that. I also think you should mention the fact that she's smart enough not to keep on struggling. :)
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RedHead97	Apr 16 2009, 04:39 PM Post #6
Writes 50 Words Per Chapter Posts: 273 Group: Writers Member #81 Joined: Feb 21, 2009	Did it. :P



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