Echo and Narcissus

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Echo and Narcissus
Topic Started: Apr 8 2009, 08:54 PM (147 Views)
BlackOpal	Apr 8 2009, 08:54 PM Post #1
:) Posts: 13 Group: Writers Member #88 Joined: Apr 6, 2009	I can't honestly say that I'm much of a poet... But I want to post something up, and I'm not entirely sure what fiction would be appropriate yet. So, here is a poem that almost rhymes kind of... Criticism would be adored. Echo and Narcissus I am Echo My walls built high around me offer no true protection, sending people's thoughts back at them, giving me false security, as I lack the ability to send my own message on its way. I am stifled with the day. I follow the world, bright-eyed with wonder, trying to find what is out yonder, proclaiming my love of its infinite beauty as best as I can, clumsily imitating it softly, screaming my feeling, losing my meaning, wasting as I try to get it to find me, to understand me, to acknowledge the poor, insignificant, loud and triumphant, painful delf of myself. I am Narcissus, My sharp and ample ideas I trust. My thoughts that swirl in an overactive mind keep me busy with ideas I find. Overwhelming is everything that I feel, it's hard to believe that all this world is real. My heart beats with strength, my emotions are strong, my words fly across pages like soft-spoken songs. No one quite understands the reasons I keep, no one knows my intuitive leaps. Perfection is relative, and to me I am always justified, I am always free. I'm full, so full, with thoughts, life and words, I can't breath from the pressure, my confinement's absurd. So much to think, to know, to believe, I can't get away, I have no reprieve. I'm dying, I'm wasting from this treacherous life, I will no longer be plagued by its joy and its strife. But somehow it seems that it never ends, still thinking, still living, still making amends, my actions are my own, my thoughts, not as much, still feeling each question, each comment, each touch.



UnknownSoldier	Apr 8 2009, 09:06 PM Post #2
iBelieve Posts: 435 Group: Writers Member #57 Joined: Oct 25, 2008	Quote: still feeling each question, each comment, each touch. I'm hearing "each answer" there instead of "each comment", but that's me. The second verse(?)- in my opinion- was better than the first. Jeez, this is hard to describe.. well, it's easy to feel. It's not very fluid in rhythm when read aloud, but it reminds me a lot of verse-form books. I think you should try writing a story like this. PS: On second thought, have you ever tried writing a song?
	Faith. Hope. Love. Vengeance. Heart. Pain. Charisma. Fate.


BlackOpal	Apr 10 2009, 09:59 AM Post #3
:) Posts: 13 Group: Writers Member #88 Joined: Apr 6, 2009	This was actually based off a story I had started and didn't finish. About a person who was mad and incorporated the elements of Echo into one version of herself and Narcissus into another. It didn't make much sense, so I abandoned it. XD Thanks. Yeah, the first one is probably better... Songs... No, I'm not a very musical person. I can only play the drums, and I can't sing...



God.	Apr 14 2009, 04:30 PM Post #4
GOOGLE, IS, GOD. Posts: 182 Group: Writers+ Member #90 Joined: Apr 14, 2009	I'll just do Echo, for now. Quote: Echo and Narcissus I am Echo And you require some form of punctuation at the end of this line. I presume you intend a full stop. My walls built high around meDidn't like this, sounded child-like and poorly grammar-ised for some reason. Although, I'm not a fan of straight-forward poetry. And > comma offer noI don't like your sudden change in meter here, offer - no is stressed unstressed unstressed, which felt very bland and vexing ... Think you should revise your meters. true protection And what is true protection? It doesn't exist and it's a poor metaphor., sending people's thoughts back That was forced, didn't flow smoothly with what you wanted. at themThink about the line break between before and here. Did it flow smoothly? Yes. Now, did it feel professional? No. Starting the line with 'at' can feel odd and uncomfortable. , giving me false security Since you've already explained this fact to me I won't comment on concept, but ... it's starting to sound like prose with line-breaks. , as I lack Even if you didn't construct meter with phonetics in mind, the "lack" spun it off nicely. the abilityI hate the word "ability" here. Sounds ... incorrect. to send my own message on its way. Sounded forced, prose-y too. I am stifled with the day. You are struggling to breathe with the day? That makes absolutely no sense. It should be "by" instead of "with. I follow the world And clichés., bright-eyed Didn't like that, "bright-eyed" felt a bit queasy. with wonder, trying to findYou're beginning to just douse your poetry in speech and thoughts, you need to shower it in imagery. what is out"over" sounds better than "out", it treats the flow more delicately. yonder, proclaiming my love of its infinite beauty as best as I can, clumsily imitating it softly, screaming my feeling, } Did you intend the sudden rhyme? losing my meaning, } Because it seemed ... weird. wasting as I try to get it to find me, to understand me, to acknowledge the poor, insignificant, loud and triumphant, painful delf of myself. Stopped because I thought I'd be repeating myself. You have no problem with idea, but you struggle with words, metaphor, and meter. You say you're not a poet, you have slight distinctions that can allow you to be. It's easier than it sounds, just change some words around and start talking with metaphors and imagery. Just don't go total Shakespearean and talk backwards too. Spoiler: click to toggle Okay for an amateur 4/10 Best of luck. Edited by God., Apr 15 2009, 05:54 AM.
	Everybody loves the universe. If you can look past the black holes, the rogue asteroids, the gym teachers, and that paper boy who keeps throwing your magazines into the bushes, it's a simple place most of us can call a happy home. It's a good thing. However, even the obviously non-sentient universe has a sense of irony. You see, the universe is going to end. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not 10120 years from now, but it will happen. One of the ways science predicts our inevitable demise is by pissing off God. But that's another story. Instead, another way that science predicts the universe will cease to function is through the "heat death of the universe" theory.


BlackOpal	Apr 14 2009, 08:19 PM Post #5
:) Posts: 13 Group: Writers Member #88 Joined: Apr 6, 2009	Hmmm, thank you. Meter? No, no meter. No intended meter. As I said, I'm not a poet. Any poems I write tend to be a garble of thoughts, pushed onto paper. I'm not good with meter, and can never really fully understand "stressed, unstressed" when I write. First line probably needs a comma, yeah. Quote: And what is true protection? It doesn't exist and it's a poor metaphor. I hope you don't mind if I get a little protective of that. If you're going to doubt that there is true protection, you might as well doubt that there is truth. True protection... If someone is punching you, and you raise your arm to block, that arm is protection. Not full, guaranteed protection, agreed. But it is true (or true as far as we can tell what the truth is) protection, because it does it's job and helps limit the harm to yourself. In this case, it would be like putting your arms over your head while someone beats you. You don't have to see it, maybe, but that's not really making anything go away. You're using that as false comfort. You're just as hurt either way. Darn, grim metaphor. In this case, calling something "true" simply means that it does what is intended of it. Anyways, thanks for the critiques. I'll keep them in mind if I ever write poetry again. Feel free to tear the rest apart. ;)



God.	Apr 15 2009, 05:22 AM Post #6
GOOGLE, IS, GOD. Posts: 182 Group: Writers+ Member #90 Joined: Apr 14, 2009	The main point intended that it was a poor metaphor. Apologies if I sounded philosophical. EDIT: Although, I do doubt that there is truth altogether ... but this is for debating, rather than prose-ing. Edited by God., Apr 16 2009, 06:18 AM.
	Everybody loves the universe. If you can look past the black holes, the rogue asteroids, the gym teachers, and that paper boy who keeps throwing your magazines into the bushes, it's a simple place most of us can call a happy home. It's a good thing. However, even the obviously non-sentient universe has a sense of irony. You see, the universe is going to end. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not 10120 years from now, but it will happen. One of the ways science predicts our inevitable demise is by pissing off God. But that's another story. Instead, another way that science predicts the universe will cease to function is through the "heat death of the universe" theory.


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