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Inventing Polyamory
Topic Started: Apr 7 2009, 04:19 PM (76 Views)
UnknownSoldier
iBelieve
[ *  *  * ]
Quote:
 
Don't feel obliged to drain my tears
To take away the thoughts and fears
They illustrate my past, like you, my future
Please understand, and don't think you can't control her
She is merely a part, one no being can deny
Is more worthy than all, but can't reply
To her calls, both near and far,
She is stuck within me, shivering in the dark
She marks a place I know she seeks
And brings me with her to the highest peak.
She is not present, nor future me
Yet it is through her eyes I see-

You.

Don't feel obliged to drain my tears
To take away the thoughts and fears
Just dance a dance you know is mine
Sooner or later, we'll correct ourselves in time,
Except for her, the girl, she stands,
Still and silent, feet stuck in the sand
She knows she's over, before I can save her,
But I will bring her with me, what I mean to infer
As long as I am with you, I am not alone
You are with her, this girl I compose,
The stone of my jealousy, my own creation
Rotting the core of my heart away, her single contribution-

Me.

I need some serious help with this. I generally don't bother with rhymes, and if I do, it's a song. I just don't feel as comfortable with rhyming poetry. It's hard to say what it's about exactly, as I wrote this a while ago, but it's either about: a perfect image this girl has invented of herself, that is in her, yet she is content with not being it; or a broken past. Feedback?
Faith. Hope. Love. Vengeance. Heart. Pain. Charisma. Fate.
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BlackOpal
:)
[ * ]
I wish I could critique it...
But I can't, really. I love the rhythm. It flowed well for me, and had that nice up and down sort of feel that one usually only gets when reading strict iambic pentameter.
I can't say that I'm good at recognizing meters, but I don't think this was meant to be strictly iambic pentameter?
It's good, I really liked it.
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UnknownSoldier
iBelieve
[ *  *  * ]
Iambic meter? Oh, no. I can't really do strict forms.

And thanks.
Faith. Hope. Love. Vengeance. Heart. Pain. Charisma. Fate.
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