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| Prologue of Something; Fantasy | |
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| Topic Started: Mar 15 2009, 04:03 PM (139 Views) | |
| RedHead97 | Mar 15 2009, 04:03 PM Post #1 |
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Writes 50 Words Per Chapter
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I have posted the beginning of the first chapter of this story on WW. I have also posted this on KWC, SI, WW, and my writing forum, Writer's Block (see sig). I need a really good critique: Quiet filled the forest. Cool evening breezes blew through the still trees, making almost no sound. A shaft of moonlight spilled through a break in the canopy, revealing a worn dirt path. Tall pine trees lined the edges of the road, towering over it and casting dark shadows that twisted and writhed, but had no owner. From the southern end of the path came footsteps, and out of the gloom came the dusky outlines of three people, all dressed in billowy cloaks. “I can’t believe you did that, Lance,” a feminine voice said as the owner, a young pregnant woman, peeled off her gloves and sat on a tree stump. She shook out her frizzy dark hair and sighed. “It was stupid, and now they’re on our trail. And I’m exhausted; we’ve been walking all night.” Another person, a man, sat down next to her and placed a hand on her shoulder. “I’m sorry, Vera, but there’s nothing that I can do now. And I never asked you two to help me. You might as well get along with your life and start a family, instead of risking your lives to aid me in escaping from these, these situations.” “You never asked us to help you? Is that your only defense, Lance? You should be saying sorry for attacking one of the gang members, and putting us all in this horrible situation, and I don’t know if I’d even accept it, then!” Vera harrumphed and stood up to brush her cloak off. She stomped down the path, away from the tree stump. “Vera!” Another man in a dark gray cloak rushed after her. “You do know that we both accepted to help him, don’t you? Last night, at dinner, remember? Lance showed up on our doorstep, and he explained that he fought one of the gang and they were after him. Then you and I both agreed to help him escape to the mountain." “But,” Vera faltered, looking around for an escape. “Think of our family, Emery. Think of our child. Our unborn child. Think of what could happen.” Emery rubbed his eyebrows. “I don’t know what to say, Vera, but when a friend’s in need, I help him. We can rest once we get there, but you don’t argue with Lance now, when we’re still on the run from the gang.” Lance cupped his hands around his mouth from his perch on the tree stump, where he hadn’t moved since Vera got up. “He’s right, you know. Let’s go.” With one last worried glance at the path behind her, Vera let Dirk take her hand as they hastened down the road, the moon slowly sinking into the darkness and dawn beginning to emerge in the sky. |
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| UnknownSoldier | Mar 16 2009, 02:09 PM Post #2 |
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iBelieve
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Probably not from me, but I'll give it a shot:
You seem to use a lot of "and"'s. But if that's how Vera (who has them in her dialogue) talks, keep them. I like your writing style, but I have no idea how this is gonna tie into the rest of your story, so I can't say much about the line. By the way, I've never heard of rubbing one's eyebrows.. |
| Faith. Hope. Love. Vengeance. Heart. Pain. Charisma. Fate. | |
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| RedHead97 | Mar 17 2009, 03:50 PM Post #3 |
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Writes 50 Words Per Chapter
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Oops. Emery's name used to be Dirk, but I changed it. Sorry, sometimes I write what I'm thinking instead of what makes sense. 'rubbing one's temple' is probably what I meant. I use a lot of and's in dialogue because I try to keep it realistic, but I'll look into that. A little secret: Vera's baby is one of the main characters later... |
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