Rewind...

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Rewind...
Topic Started: Jan 25 2009, 04:55 PM (229 Views)
GothX	Jan 25 2009, 04:55 PM Post #1
Random Words Posts: 62 Group: Writers Member #67 Joined: Dec 25, 2008	If I could just rewind This relationship with her I'd know a lot better If I could just start over... I'd know when to talk I'd know when to hold her I'd know when to walk away If I could just start over... I never knew that love was this hard I know I was never perfect But for once, with her I was faithful and true. Memories faded in time As I gently held her My past was a little softer If I could just start over... Rounded edges and open doors The reasons I had held her Everything seemed so simple I wish we could just start over... -------------------------------------- I know the middle stanza doesn't rhyme... I did it that way on purpose. Edited by GothX, Jan 25 2009, 04:56 PM.
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Allyson	Feb 9 2009, 04:38 PM Post #2
Observer of all Posts: 2,337 Group: Root Administrator Member #1 Joined: Jan 29, 2008	Yeah, I was about to comment about the middle part not riming, until I saw your note...why don't you want it to rime? I think it's a pretty good poem, and I like the endings "If I could just start over." :)
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GothX	Feb 9 2009, 11:40 PM Post #3
Random Words Posts: 62 Group: Writers Member #67 Joined: Dec 25, 2008	Because with it not rhyming, it stands out... some people would think re-read it because it doesn't rhyme, and I put it that way as a focus.
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Allyson	Feb 10 2009, 01:44 PM Post #4
Observer of all Posts: 2,337 Group: Root Administrator Member #1 Joined: Jan 29, 2008	Ah. when I read it, I was thinking that either you did that on purpose (which you did), or you had forgotten to rime that little bit. :)
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Likur	Feb 21 2009, 07:43 PM Post #5
Frogs and Penelope (a title of something yet to come) Posts: 83 Group: Writers+ Member #18 Joined: Apr 20, 2008	Quote: If I could just rewind This relationship with her I'd know a lot better If I could just start over... The annunciation on this, because of the rhythm, is off, and sounds ameteur. I would suggest changing the last line in order to keep it. It works with the next stanza, because of "hold her" - you annunciate it the same as "over," stressing the first syllable rather than the second. I'd know when to talk I'd know when to hold her I'd know when to walk away If I could just start over... Just one dot will do here. You're not really trailing off into another phrase. You're stopping the sentence. I never knew that love was this hard Check your rhythm - it's off in this line I know I was never perfect But for once, with her I was faithful and true. Memories faded in time It's a good phrase, but really overused in poetry. Try using new ideas and metaphors. As I gently held her My past was a little softer Again, rhythm. You have one syllable too many. Also, I don't get this sentence. "My past was a little softer?" In what way? Elaboration... If I could just start over... Again, one dot will do. Rounded edges and open doors Good metaphor. The reasons I had held her Everything seemed so simple I wish we could just start over... One dot All in all, it wasn't bad. You have a lot of repetition in it, which can sometimes be a good thing, but you used it in every stanza, which is a little excessive. You might want to cut it out of every other stanza so that it doesn't get tiresome and boring. You also had one stanza (the third I think?) that didn't rhyme. It was entirely out of place. Sometimes a non-rhyming stanza can be slid into poetry, but this didn't work out at all. I know you think it would make people reread it, but really, it just makes it look somewhat sloppy and like you messed up. You shouldn't have to explain "Oh, no, I didn't mess up, that was there on purpose." In poetry, there isn't room to explain things, because if it were published in a book, you can't go into people's homes and explain yourself.
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