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in the quiet comma, break up needed. the thermometer Why state the obvious? It's a very ugly word, and if you don't need it - which isn't often - it should be gone. spews its mercury
the color Shade. Color sounds ... distorted with the rest. of our blistered skin; Mercury is SILVER, the fact that blisters indicate burning and trouble connotes RED. Bad comparison.
the glass shards and oil oozing beneath our shoes Why have "shoes"? Get rid of it, and add a "s" on the end of "our". Looks odd, better with how you can use a faint twist of illiteration with "oil oozing", could replace "beneath" with "nether". Adds a little demonic flicker with the other parts of the piece. Seems good to me.
a reminder of the fractured fantasies we had. Bit brittle of a line. You were progressing with a strong "damnation" word arrangement. I guess if you want to switch placement of tone. I'll see if you carry on.
with the detritusMight as well have had "crap" in there for all that word did for your meter. "Rubble", "Remnants" or "scree" are good replacements. filling my lungs, also
the calming fragrance of the cigarette you clench Mixed metaphor good, instant switch of tone bad. "Demonic > Fragile > Demonic", have some sense in it.
between your cracked lips rasping words of comfort
and under the rising paper satellites
our shoes tread on the bookstore -
blackened splinters of our harbor clawing at our ankles.
ghosts of wounded memories emerge from their coffins
in the charcoal relics of the riot flames,
our childhood washed away by the hoses.
we turn with frozen shoulders on the bruised hamlet
so that we may have a chance to respire.