Viewing Single Post From: The Hearse

Viewing Single Post From: The Hearse
Allyson	Apr 10 2009, 05:44 PM
Observer of all Posts: 2,337 Group: Root Administrator Member #1 Joined: Jan 29, 2008	I thought it was pretty interesting. First let me make sure...the main character is a girl, right? I'm quoting (in order) the things I think you should change. (If you want to find them in your story copy the text I quoted, press Ctrl + F and then paste the text into the box and press enter, and it will go to that part in your story). Quote: “Yes!” I rolled my eyes in mock exasperation. I like how you described it as 'mock exasperation'. Quote: Spinning around, I tried to get a glimpse of the person. A thin man with a clean-shaven face stood behind me, clutching his shin and cursing under his breath. My grandmother’s and sister’s screams filled the air as several men kicked the door open and grabbed them by their arms. I shouted and punched at the man holding me, but he would not let go. But obviously she had gotten away before, when she had turned around to look at him. Quote: “Where are you taking me?” I said as the man, tall and wearing a billowy red robe, I think you're missing an 'and' started to drag me out the door. I think an eleven year old girl who was being dragged off my some stranger would instead be yelling something like, "Let me go! Let me go!" And that's all I really have to say. :) EDIT: By the way, I really like the first sentence of the story. Edited by Allyson, Apr 10 2009, 05:45 PM.
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The Hearse · Sneak Peaks