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A not so Final Fantasy; RPG life sucks
Topic Started: May 28 2013, 08:55 PM (179 Views)
Master Anthony
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The wandering dreamer
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
In a land far away at the time of great struggle between an emp-

????: Spin on!

The next cutscene begins.

A young man orphaned from the wars and his Battle hardened companion are on a quest to-

????: Spin on!

Narrator: Oh god damn it stop skipping everything the player won't know what's going on!

Veteran: No f*ck the player and f*ck you disembodied voice I am not doing this again!

Greenhorn: Huh? what do you mean?

Veteran: this is the 14th game in this series I've had it with this sh*t why won't it end already!?

Narrator: We have a really good writing staff. Our plots are legendary.

Veteran: Our plots were legendary 8 games ago we've been coasting for years I won't do it I won't have it I refuse to do this again!

Greenhorn: but... I'm the plucky young hero off the save the princess or goddess or... what am I doing again?

Narrator: Well if someone hadn't skipped the cutscenes you'd know.

Veteran: to hell with this I'm going home.

Narrator: Wait what the hell are you doing you can't leave in the middle of a cutscene it will look weird!

Green: *watches as a orc is lifted up into the air and stabbed by an invisible sword as he follows the Veteran* Don't we need to fight those orcs?

Vet: No lad I am going to save you from this life just follow me we are going home and staying there.

Gamer: *Watching the broken cutscene heedless to what was going on behind the scenes* Whoa buggy hope it goes back to normal after the cut scene*

The Veteran left the foot of the mountain he was on and headed into a meadow.

Green: A meadow? how are we going to level up in a meadow?

Vet: We aren't we are crossing through it to get home.

Green: *follows after him when he notices something shining in the meadow and picks it up* hey Vet check it out it's some kinda crystal and it's starting to glow.

The next thing the rookie realized was he wasn't holding the crystal an arrow fired by vet had pierced it and launched it out of his hand as the crystal activated a portal spell.

Green: What the?

Vet: quickly lad the game is trying to reboot the plot on the fly we have to run! *storms on ahead*

Green: What why?

Vet: I've gone awol and taking you with me!

Narrator: Suddenly a monster blocked their path drawing them into battle!

A large monster appears before them and the game shifts to battle mode but the vet just leaps over the monster while it's waiting for its ATB to fill up and the rookie did the same confusing the beast.

Vet: Keep running lad we're almost to the house they can't get us there!

Green: What why?

Vet: This is a portable edition you can't actually see inside houses it's just picture conversations!

Green: I am so confused right now!

The meadow splits in half revealing a lake of lava below them but the vet avoids it and runs around the lava lake instead of cutting through it and finally they enter the house.

Narrator: Damn it they got away lets see here. *flipping through the script* (need a party member to flush them out.)

Vet: *sighs in relief* that was to close lad we avoided the prolog all together. *plops in his chair as the green horn unbuckles his sword and shield from his back and lays them next to his chair*

Green horn: So what do we do now? I mean what is so bad about all this?

Vet: *leans on the table as he talks to the boy* look lad I'll be honest. this game we are in you know the name right?

Green horn: Sure Saints and King 14 turbo limited edition Director's cut why?

Vet: *holds his head and sighs* Look... the name alone makes any past game hero like myself cringe in disgust. Your young your plucky and determined to save the princess or priestess whatever but that's the point. Your life your future it's all set in stone.

Green horn: But this game has a morality system in it.

Vet: T-that's not the point everything you do is just to set up the next game there is no end your just another block. This is the 5th time they've reused my character. I was younger then you in the first game I was in. Then I was a old man in another a side kick in the next a animal partner and hell in the last one I was girl!

Green horn: Yikes...

Vet: Yes lad now your getting it I can't let that happen to you.

Green horn: *panics* I don't want to be a girl they have to wear sexy revealing clothing that provide better defense the less they cover and I don't have the hips for it! *starts crying*

Vet: (Oh jeez I've gone to far and scared the lad.)

Green horn: I mean they haven't even been to the characte creater yet I could still a girl or a mage mages are useless they can only take a few hits for they die and I don't what a skill tree is!

Vet: C-calm down you won't go character creator I promise you'll stay as you are.

There is a knock at the door.

Green: Huh what's that?

Vet: Oh sh*t it's childhood friend which is always the oppiste gender of the hero to be a love interest or same to be a rival and evil enemy later!

Green: What!?

Vet: Don't answer the door if you want to keep your balls!

Green: *whimpers and hides behind the table*

????: Ugh Green I don't have time for this I'm using my magic to open a the door.

Green: Ah a mage she wants my experience points so she won't be useless I only have 5 and their mine damn it!
Edited by Anthony, May 28 2013, 09:02 PM.
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