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| What has happened to me; My testimony | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jun 24 2008, 01:34 AM (665 Views) | |
| Dúnedain | Jun 24 2008, 01:34 AM Post #1 |
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Friends, I know many of you have noticed my absence around these forums (as well as the ones at TT) in recent days and weeks. Perhaps, even, you've noticed a change in my behavior. I don't know. I know Mark (TCB) has wondered where I've been, why I don't come on MSN chat anymore. Well, I'll have to tell you later what I was doing for the better part of the last half of May and the first half of June, but here's what's been going on with me for the last 10 days (if anyone should care). On the morning of June 14th, 2008 I came across a YouTube video entitled "The True Gospel" by Paul Washer. In this video I heard -- for the first time in my life -- the Gospel of Jesus Christ in its pure, unadulterated form. Now, I grew up in a Christian home, so many of this was not entirely new to me. But watching this video did something to me; it said something to me that all these other cheap imitations of the Gospel that I've heard all my life failed to say to me. And now my life has been totally changed. I must apologize to you guys for claiming to be a Christian in the past when I wasn't. But understand that I did not do this to purposefully deceive. I proclaimed it because I thought it was true -- or at least I wanted it to be. I don't know for sure how many times I've prayed the inadequate "Jesus come into my heart" prayer throughout my life, but I'd estimate the number to be at at least a half-dozen times. And after each one of those times, I came away completely unchanged, going back to my old, carnal ways almost immediately after saying "Amen." I remember on one occasion a few years ago I got as far as two or three days of reading the Bible, forcing myself to pray and trying to live a more moral life before eventually giving up after realizing all the "work" that had to go into living a Christ-like life. "It's too hard! No one lives like this," I thought in despair. I know now that the reason why I failed all those times was because I never truly knew the Lord, and thus never experienced real, God-given regeneration. In the end I was left frustrated, and wondering why this Christian thing seemed to work for so many others but not for me. What was I doing wrong? Am I doing anything wrong? After all, I prayed the prayer that I was taught by all my pastors growing up (at least from what I remember) -- and I sure was sincere when I did it! Surely, then, I must be saved. Right? What always gave me a false sense of assurance was looking around at all the fellow "believers" in my life and seeing how they lived, and just like me they lived sinful, worldly, self-centered lives. Like me they went to church on Sundays, struggled through all the boring hymns, and tried to look interested throughout the sermon. And then, like me, they'd all run back home and spend the next six days living like God didn't exist and Christ's sacrifice on the cross was nothing but a silly fairytale. Isn't that what good Christians do? Say a silly little prayer and live like wretched, filthy, lost idiots the rest of our lives? Apparently so. But I felt empty, and deep down, whether I wanted to admit it or not, I felt like something was horribly wrong with my life -- and I was at a complete loss as to how to fix it. Then I came across that Paul Washer video. Finally, I was getting the answers I was looking for. Finally, someone was telling me exactly what I needed to hear in an unrestrained, straightforward, and brutally honest way. And for the first time in my life I realized how sinful and depraved I really was, and how much I needed to repent and cry out to Christ. So I did. And not only did I put my trust in Christ, but I freely and willingly gave my life to Him as well. By the time the video was over I was in tears. But no fireworks went off. There wasn't any jumping in the streets and crying for joy. There weren't any hallelujah choruses. In fact, afterwards I wasn't quite sure what had happened -- I know I certainly didn't plan on giving my entire life to Christ that morning. But somehow I felt a sense of relief, like a great burden had been lifted off my shoulders, and for the next several days I spent almost all of my time praying, reading the Scriptures, and trying to get my hands on every Paul Washer sermon I could find. I stopped watching television. I stopped finding pleasures in all the worldly things that I used to love. Much of the sin in my life that I KNOW I could have never overcome on my own had suddenly vanished, and the sin that I still was committing quickly became abhorrent to me and I made a habit of repenting of it two or three times a day. What's more, I couldn't stop thinking about Christ; He practically took up every thought I had. Trying to live my life like Christ no longer felt like a chore, but instead was something I wanted to do, something I desired to do.I had been completely transformed. But I still wasn't 100% sure that what I was feeling was real. So I examined myself through Scripture and found that Biblical assurance that I needed. Now I know I'm saved -- and it's a wonderful feeling. Some of you may be reading this thinking I've gone crazy. If the Joel of two weeks ago could see this post he'd cringe in embarrassment and try to delete it -- that's how ashamed of Christ I used to be. Indeed, lost in my sin I hated God and everything about Him, though I would have never admitted it...even to myself. Now I just want to glorify His name in everything I do, and I don't care what anybody thinks about me. Though I'm still not completely free of sin, I am free from the condemnation of sin, and because of that I have a joy in my life that I've never experienced before. I can honestly say now that out of all the many proofs of God's existence, the proof of spiritual regeneration is by far the most revealing. And if any professing Christian out there is reading this and has no idea what I'm talking about, you may very well be lost just like I was for the first 23 years and 3 days of my life. Please, examine yourself so that you can know for sure where you stand with God. What could be more important? Anyway, I'll stop rambling now. I just wanted to share this with you all so that you'll maybe understand some of the reasons why I've been so seemingly disinterested in posting lately. Or maybe you'll just think I'm a fool. Honestly, that's OK. Thanks for reading, guys. ~ Joel |
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"I cannot and will not recant anything, for to go against conscience is neither right nor safe. Here I stand, I can do no other, so help me God. Amen." ~ Martin Luther | |
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| Allison | Jun 24 2008, 04:58 PM Post #2 |
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I haven't had time to listen to the sermon, so I'm just going to go off of what you've posted. I think that's great. Your life has been changed forever. Fantastic! ![]() The way you feel now is how I felt when I became a Christian, and I've felt that way many times before. However, I don't always feel or live like that. There are times when my life is completely and totally surrendered to God, and there are times when I take that control back over portions of my life. I realize that every single tiny aspect of my life should always be 100% devoted to God and handed over to him, but I do struggle with portions of that at times. (The whole Savior AND Lord aspect comes into play here.) You see, he is now and will forever my be Savior, but there are times when I feel like I am not allowing him to be the Lord of my life. Make sense? So my question is this: Do you think you will feel this way for the rest of your life? Or do you think you'll still struggle with surrendering every area of your life at times? If you struggle with this, do you think that will make you feel like you aren't a Christian anymore? I'm just curious as to how you are thinking of this. I think that everyone struggles with the "Lord" part of being a Christian more than the "Savior" part, but I don't think that makes someone any less of a Christian. I don't see how any human can not struggle with that at times. |
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| TCB | Jun 24 2008, 06:19 PM Post #3 |
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Well, sounds like you've had an interesting summer so far.
Edited by TCB, Jun 24 2008, 06:19 PM.
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| Dúnedain | Jun 25 2008, 06:35 PM Post #4 |
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Allison, Yes, There have been times when that coldness is at work and I feel kind of distant. And there have certainly been times when I don't feel like I'm giving the Lord my all. I pray about this all the time. I think we all (believers) have a tendency to wander at times and became dull of heart, but I've found that God never ceases to pull me back in whenever I start to go astray. I don't think you have to feel over the moon every moment of your life to know you're saved, if that's what you mean. You have to have biblical assurance, and you have to see the change that has taken place in your life (regeneration). I have this now, and though I may have flashes of doubt from time to time, I just remember the promise given to me by Christ. Unlike my other false conversions, there's a change in my life now that is completely undeniable. Where was this for the first 23 years of my life? All the sin I could have avoided. All the time of true fellowship and praise that I've missed. But how wonderful it is to know that God has chosen me, and through His Son saved me from the judgment that I truly deserved. ~ Joel |
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"I cannot and will not recant anything, for to go against conscience is neither right nor safe. Here I stand, I can do no other, so help me God. Amen." ~ Martin Luther | |
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| Dúnedain | Jun 25 2008, 06:37 PM Post #5 |
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We're is the true Gospel nowadays anyway? If only someone had shared this with me earlier, maybe I could have avoided many years of living in sin. |
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"I cannot and will not recant anything, for to go against conscience is neither right nor safe. Here I stand, I can do no other, so help me God. Amen." ~ Martin Luther | |
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| Dúnedain | Jun 25 2008, 06:38 PM Post #6 |
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Best summer of my life.
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"I cannot and will not recant anything, for to go against conscience is neither right nor safe. Here I stand, I can do no other, so help me God. Amen." ~ Martin Luther | |
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| Allison | Jun 25 2008, 07:09 PM Post #7 |
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Clarified. I just wanted to make sure you weren't of the opinion that "once saved, always saved" isn't true. I just don't see how people can find a Biblical basis for the idea that you can be saved and then "backslide," and you somehow are all of a sudden "not saved." That whole theory is then based on works rather than grace and faith. The point so many people argue with that is this: What about a person who is saved and then goes so far off in the wrong direction and remains there? Well, I would argue in that instance that maybe that person wasn't ever really saved. Of course, the only person whose faith I can be 100% certain about is my own, so I can't say whether that would be the case with someone else. However, if someone is saved, yes, he/she will sin, but I'm not so sure that a person will repeatedly sin and continue to live a life overtaken by sin without confessing those sins and repenting. Make sense at all? |
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| TCB | Jun 25 2008, 07:14 PM Post #8 |
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Good to hear.
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| Dúnedain | Jun 25 2008, 09:05 PM Post #9 |
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Oh know, certainly not. I am the Lord's now -- he has chosen me. What could I ever do to relinquish his hold on me? I don't understand the losing your salvation position either. It's certainly not biblical.
Exactly. Being a Christian certainly doesn't mean you're going to be perfect (that's reserved for the next life!), but it does mean that your nature is changed. You can stumble from time to time, but I would say that, from a Scriptural point of view, it is IMPOSSIBLE for a true believer to continually live in un repentant sin. Unfortunately, that's exactly how many so-called "Christians" in this country live. I was one of them up until 11 days ago. Funny you should bring this up. I was on Bill Keller's website (liveprayer.com) just the other day and noticed this in his testimony:
Biblically, I don't think there's any basis for this. How can you be saved through Christ and be regenerated and then spend 11 years "running from God"? I know this doesn't make any sense when compared to my own experience. Rededicated = true salvation. ~ Joel |
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"I cannot and will not recant anything, for to go against conscience is neither right nor safe. Here I stand, I can do no other, so help me God. Amen." ~ Martin Luther | |
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| Dúnedain | Jun 25 2008, 09:05 PM Post #10 |
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How's your summer going? Are you working at all? ~ Joel |
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"I cannot and will not recant anything, for to go against conscience is neither right nor safe. Here I stand, I can do no other, so help me God. Amen." ~ Martin Luther | |
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| TCB | Jun 25 2008, 09:23 PM Post #11 |
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It's not going too bed. Trying to get a "relationship" up and running with Shelby. Hard when she works all the time. And of course, I can't talk to Allison anymore without, "Did you talk to Shelby today?" "Did you hear from Shelby today?" "Shelby Shelby Shelby Shelby Shelby!!!" But ya, I'm working at the local elementary school and the middle school cleaning, getting them ready for the fall. Not too bad really. My supervisor is a major screw-ball, so it's kinda fun actually. Last year, we accumulated a small box of bouncy balls, that we would chuck at one another while in rooms cleaning desks and furniture. Well, he kept that box, and this year, went online and ordered 280 more balls! Amazing we get any work done.... Yet somehow, we are like a month ahead of schedule, so we have time to screw off. |
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| Dúnedain | Jun 25 2008, 09:28 PM Post #12 |
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Throwing balls at each other during work? LOL. That' a new one... ~ Joel |
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"I cannot and will not recant anything, for to go against conscience is neither right nor safe. Here I stand, I can do no other, so help me God. Amen." ~ Martin Luther | |
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| TCB | Jun 25 2008, 09:33 PM Post #13 |
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Ya, it's progressed over the 3 years I've worked there. It started out, we would chuck an occasional wet sponge at each other... Then we started throwing the stuff would would find in the desks (erasers, paper wads, pencils etc) at each other. Then we found the bouncy balls. And things have steadily gone downhill from there. |
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| Dúnedain | Jun 25 2008, 09:42 PM Post #14 |
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I used to have a boss who was kind of goofy like that. He ended up firing me. ~ Joel |
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"I cannot and will not recant anything, for to go against conscience is neither right nor safe. Here I stand, I can do no other, so help me God. Amen." ~ Martin Luther | |
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| TCB | Jun 25 2008, 10:05 PM Post #15 |
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hahaha. How sad. |
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| dedstrk | Jun 28 2008, 05:44 PM Post #16 |
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I know we talked via PM Joel but I just wanted to respond to this real quick. I used to feel the same as you. Although I can't say I ever hated God, I always believed in him but I did blame him for things but through all the bad in my life, all the bad things I've done, things that could have me in the cemetary or in jail, he spared me. He deflected these things because he had a plan for me. For all he's done I will never be ashamed of my love for God. It's almost like when somebody says JC or GD I get sick to my stomach and FURIOUS! And this coming from a guy who used to say it like it was going out of style. When somebody says they don't believe in God and that it's a joke and so on and so forth my first reaction is pure anger. I think "how can somebody not believe", "how can somebody say such bad things about my father", and it hurts me to the core. When I make mistakes it kills me and I sit and cry during my evening prayer. I'm not ashamed to admit that I cry on a daily basis when praying to my savior, my father, my rock. I'm tearing up as I write this because that is how much he means to me. I've been through a ridiculous time in the last year, really the last four years but it just keeps getting harder and worse. Worse on a worldly level but I don't have to worry because I know that God is there for me and he will make everything right. That's why the last four years has been the best four years of my life. Because I have meaning to my life, I have a purpose, I have a higher calling. It's time for me to bring this to an end because my daughter wants to blow bubbles. I'll be on at another time and I look forward to sharing my Bible studies with you guys again soon. |
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| TCB | Jun 28 2008, 05:47 PM Post #17 |
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Well, you guys(Allison and Joel that is) know that I'm not religious at all. Not that I don't believe in anything, just that it's never been really important to me. But, Joel and Ded, I'm really happy your guys lives have changed for the better recently, and that both of you are happy. That's awesome.
Edited by TCB, Jun 28 2008, 05:48 PM.
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| Dúnedain | Jun 30 2008, 03:08 PM Post #18 |
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Well, just to clarify, I never went around saying, "I hate God." But, you know, if you're unregenerated, un-saved, your heart is certainly turned against God -- even if you don't realize it. That's what I meant. - Luke 11:23
I go through this too. I think all true believers feel deep pain over their sins. The challenge for me right now is balance: On the one hand I should feel deep sorrow whenever I sin (and I do), but then on the other hand I just have to remind myself in those situations (after I've repented) that my works will never get me to heaven, no matter how perfect or imperfect I may be from this point forward, but that despite all this I can never be snatched out of my Father's hand. So there should ALWAYS be joy and relief in that. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. - Romans 8:38-39 How great a promise is that? Thanks for the kind words, ded. In Christ, Joel |
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"I cannot and will not recant anything, for to go against conscience is neither right nor safe. Here I stand, I can do no other, so help me God. Amen." ~ Martin Luther | |
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| Dúnedain | Jun 30 2008, 03:11 PM Post #19 |
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Well, TCB, I hope you stick around anyway! Maybe we can do a little work on you. I've been praying for you, anyway. I hope you don't mind! ~ Joel |
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"I cannot and will not recant anything, for to go against conscience is neither right nor safe. Here I stand, I can do no other, so help me God. Amen." ~ Martin Luther | |
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| TCB | Jun 30 2008, 05:17 PM Post #20 |
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Haha, well thank you. |
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But somehow I felt a sense of relief, like a great burden had been lifted off my shoulders, and for the next several days I spent almost all of my time praying, reading the Scriptures, and trying to get my hands on every Paul Washer sermon I could find. I stopped watching television. I stopped finding pleasures in all the worldly things that I used to love. Much of the sin in my life that I KNOW I could have never overcome on my own had suddenly vanished, and the sin that I still was committing quickly became abhorrent to me and I made a habit of repenting of it two or three times a day. What's more, I couldn't stop thinking about Christ; He practically took up every thought I had. Trying to live my life like Christ no longer felt like a chore, but instead was something I wanted to do, something I desired to do.





4:54 AM Jul 11