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Eastern Europe
Topic Started: Oct 30 2010, 11:40 PM (980 Views)
Topid
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AMOM was already sent a request because I needed to talk to him earlier today about TEP elections.

I just edited in your last suggestion, no need to repost the whole thing again!

Thanks so much Sedge!
Edited by Topid, Nov 7 2010, 02:10 AM.
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A mean old man
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Crazed Curmudgeon
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The World Assembly,

Observing [region]Eastern Europe[/region], a founderless region which has been the victim of numerous raids throughout its history,

Impressed that the natives of [region]Eastern Europe[/region] have been partaking in an attempt to secure themselves against invasions by refounding the region,


I know it looks like a more complicated version of the original clause, but it makes more sense. Trust me.

Quote:
 
Upset that the current delegate of Eastern Europe, [nation]Czech Mate[/nation], and the previous delegate, [nation]Romani Romania[/nation], have now taken control of the refounding effort,

Recognizing that both [nation]Romani Romania[/nation] and [nation]Czech Mate[/nation] have ejected natives from behind a hidden password and are working for an unidentified raider group,


Removed "recent delegates." It was redundant.

Quote:
 
Outraged that numerous nations are known to have been ejected from the region by either Czech Mate or Romani Romania,

Further outraged that the oppressors have severed the connection between the region and the region’s legitimate forums,


"Severed" sounded pretty.

Quote:
 
Considering the belief of long-time native and former delegate [nation]Flobos[/nation], and noting that Flobos states that Czech Mate is a former member of Eastern Europe from years past and is now attempting to exact revenge upon the region,


Got rid of something that I don't remember now because it was redundant. Also changed the wording up a bit. Just thought this one could be more assertive in the way it portrayed Czech Mate as a spiteful former native seeking revenge upon his old region. Also made some stuff look prettier.

Quote:
 
Fearing that, without intervention, the region's doom is imminent (as no new nations may enter the region and as almost every nation not aligned with the region's destroyers has been removed),

Affirming that the loyal natives of the region support a liberation,


"Knowing" sounds funky. Added "loyal" because the invader delegate is technically a native, he's just not a loyal one.

Quote:
 
Asserting Flobos and other natives deserve a region where they will not be ejected, and where they have the ability to control its fate themselves,

Hereby liberates the region of [region]Eastern Europe[/region].


Not sure what the "Hereby:" thing was for. Just edited that out.

That's what I've got for now.
Edited by A mean old man, Nov 7 2010, 04:43 AM.
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Topid
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I started doing

Hereby:

When I wrote my first GA resolution because they usually have more than one line after that. I don't know why I let it slip into my SC proposals too.

I trusted you on the first one like you said, but it does sound weird to me. And your considering line sounded redundant to me too... Considering the belief of flobos and noting that flobos states? Is the one I wrote combining ours good?

Everything else I agree with.
Quote:
 
The World Assembly,

Observing [region]Eastern Europe[/region], a founderless region which has been the victim of numerous raids throughout its history,

Impressed that the natives of [region]Eastern Europe[/region] have been partaking in an attempt to secure themselves by refounding the region,

Upset that the current delegate of Eastern Europe [nation]Czech Mate[/nation] and the previous delegate [nation]Romani Romania[/nation] have now taken control of the refounding effort,

Recognizing that both recent delegates [nation]Romani Romania[/nation] and [nation]Czech Mate[/nation] have ejected natives from behind a hidden password and are working for an unidentified raider group,

Outraged that numerous nations are known to have been ejected from the region by either Czech Mate or Romani Romania,

Further outraged that the oppressors have severed the connection between the region and the region’s legitimate forums,

Considering the belief of long-time native and former delegate [nation]Flobos[/nation] states that Czech Mate is a former member of Eastern Europe from years past attempting to exact revenge upon the region,

Fearing that without intervention the regions doom is imminent because no new nations may enter the region and almost every nation not aligned with the region destroyers have been removed,

Affirming that the loyal natives of the region support a liberation,

Asserting Flobos and other natives deserve a region where they will not be ejected, and where they have the ability to control its fate themselves,

Hereby liberates the region of [region]Eastern Europe[/region].
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Topid
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I think I'm going to post on the forums since I'm convinced all serious flaws are caught and now we're just looking at minor fixes. Move all discussion there please? Though I'll check in here in case something less public is said. :P

And Sedge, I'll list you as co-author since this would be yours if you were in health?
Edited by Topid, Nov 7 2010, 05:26 AM.
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sedge
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Sedgistan
Topid
Nov 7 2010, 05:24 AM
And Sedge, I'll list you as co-author since this would be yours if you were in health?
Your call, I wouldn't object to it in this case. If you think I've done enough, you can list me.
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A mean old man
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I trusted you on the first one like you said, but it does sound weird to me.


Now that I have time to explain it, I will. I replaced "attempted" with "have been partaking in an attempt" because "attempted" makes it sounds as if they tried to refound themselves in the past, failed, and are currently not attempting it (which I don't believe is the case). "Have been partaking in an attempt," while hideously wordy, gives the reader the idea that the natives have been and are currently working on refounding their region, and makes the intrusion of an impostor delegate all the more annoying.

Quote:
 
And your considering line sounded redundant to me too... Considering the belief of flobos and noting that flobos states? Is the one I wrote combining ours good?


I wasn't sure about that when I wrote it. I was tired and didn't have a lot of time to look at it extremely carefully. I'll respond to your edit below, since now that I look at the original wording again I see more solutions to the original, problematic wording.

Quote:
 
Impressed that the natives of [region]Eastern Europe[/region] have been partaking in an attempt to secure themselves by refounding the region,


That is pretty wordy.

The whole clause sounds a bit strange in general, though.

Quote:
 
Impressed that the natives of [region]Eastern Europe[/region] are attempting to secure their region by refounding it,


Ooh, that sounds better.

Quote:
 
Upset that the current delegate of Eastern Europe, [nation]Czech Mate[/nation], and the previous delegate, [nation]Romani Romania[/nation], have now taken control of the refounding effort,


COMMAS. ADD THEM.

Quote:
 
Considering the belief of long-time native and former delegate [nation]Flobos[/nation] states that Czech Mate is a former member of Eastern Europe from years past attempting to exact revenge upon the region,


Well, the clause is still grammatically wrong. It has to be fixed somehow.

Replaced "considering" with "noting" below because it seemed more appropriate.

Quote:
 
Noting that [nation]Flobos[/nation], a long-time native and former delegate of Eastern Europe, states that Czech Mate is a former member of Eastern Europe from years past attempting to exact revenge upon the region,


Quote:
 
Fearing that, without intervention, the region's doom is imminent because no new nations may enter the region and because almost every nation not aligned with the region's destroyers has been removed,


COMMAS! PUNCTUATION! ADD THEM!

FIXED PL/SG ERROR! ADD IT!

And add all the other shit I put in this clause because it makes sense.

Quote:
 
Asserting that Flobos and other natives deserve a region where they will not be ejected, and where they have the ability to control its fate themselves,


Now that I look at this one again, "that" might be needed after "asserting," but I'm not entirely sure.
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