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Commend Naivetry
Topic Started: Oct 30 2010, 02:29 AM (491 Views)
sedge
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Sedgistan
OK, well OMD unfortunately didn't reply to my email, so I'm going to have to presume he's not going to be returning any time soon :(

This was his last version of Commend Naivetry:

OMD's draft


Original NS forum thread: http://forum.nationstates.net/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=41460

I've added in the "authored by" tag, but nothing else. I've had a quick read over it, but don't want to make any changes until tomorrow, as I'm extremely tired at the moment. I did see some Rule 4 violations (personal pronouns), and I'd possibly like to re-phrase a clause or two - and maybe add in one or two more (stuff like her repeal of Condemn Ninja Pirate awesome town). I'll get onto that tomorrow.

I think I'll be bumping this up the list ahead of Commend Northern Chittowa, simply because its at a more advanced stage. I'd rather not submit until there's been a resolution after Commend The Skeleton Army, as I don't want to be seen as having too many resolutions up to vote in a row.
Edited by sedge, Oct 30 2010, 03:11 PM.
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sedge
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Sedgistan
Various things I intend to do to the proposal:

  • Re-write all the Equilism stuff, so that references to the positions she's held are reduced to a more general statement. Remove Monk's quote, but keep the message of it (inspirational leader, regular contributor). Take on AD's suggestion about mentioning that she "restored democracy to the region and mended schisms by restoring their old Constitution"
  • Remove personal pronouns
  • Expand the bit on defending, so it says more than just that she's served/led the E-Army
  • The campaign to get the Liberation category & free Belgium needs to be more prominent, and possibly expanded too
  • Explain better why the NS military gameplay guides are a good thing
  • Mention the "How to Build a Region" guide she's written
  • Reference Repeal Condemn Ninja Pirate Town, and elaborate on her being a central figure in the Security Council
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sedge
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Sedgistan
Not that we use this forum any more (might as well accept it's dead...), but I'll be taking this on again. Might even post a draft here before it debuts on the NS forums.
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Yellow Matter Custard
Sounds good to me. :)
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