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Commend Ananke
Topic Started: Oct 11 2010, 08:33 PM (1,347 Views)
A mean old man
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Anything erroneous?

;)

Yes, I'm sure I can help you there. Might want to put it together first so I'm not terribly confused when trying to read it, though.
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sedge
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Sedgistan
Quote:
 
The Security Council:

Recognising that Ananke II is more commonly referred to just as "Ananke";

Recalling that Ananke helped to start the North Pacific Army, a defender military based out of the region The North Pacific, in 2003, which was one of the most active and influential militaries based in a *feeder region*;

Acknowledging Ananke as a leading member of the now defunct Alliance Defense Network (ADN), the largest multi-regional alliance in NationStates history, rising to the position of Secretary of State within the organisation;

Asserting that through holding this position within the ADN, Ananke assisted with the protection of numerous regions from the threat of invasion;

Appluading Ananke's role as one of the three organisers of the liberation of The North Pacific in 2004, the largest successful liberation in NationStates history, which freed the region from the tyranny of the New Pacific Order, a dictatorial regime based out of The Pacific;

Praising Ananke's continued work as a defender - first in the North Pacific Army, and then as part of the ADN, the GLA, and more recently, the 10000 Islands Treaty Organisation (TITO), which has helped to keep hundreds of regions free to rule themselves without intereference from hostile outside forces -- a cause that aligns with the Security Council's stated aim of spreading interregional peace;

Observing Ananke's tireless work within 10000 Islands, which she has helped to turn into one of the largest and most influential regions in NationStates, through extensive recruiting efforts and the welcoming of every new nation that joins the region -- a benefit shared by the wider NationStates community, as it leads to an increase in the number of nations actively engaged with their peers;

Recognising Ananke's recently-finished stint as delegate of 10000 Islands, during which Ananke was the highest-endorsed delegate in several years, who assisted in engaging the 10000 Islands community with the World Assembly, helping to shape the direction of the Security Council;

Acknowledging that as delegate of 10000 Islands, Ananke was also responsible for leading the foreign affairs mission of the region, helping to drastically increase its foreign affairs involvement, and improving diplomatic relations between other regions and 10000 Islands;

Perceiving that Ananke's work as a defender, spreading interregional peace, and as a delegate and diplomat for 10000 Islands, spreading goodwill, aligns perfectly with the Security Council's aims;

Concluding that few nations have made such a significant and beneficial contribution to NationStates as Ananke II has and that these contributions should therefore be recognised through a Commendation from the World Assembly;

Hereby Commends Ananke II

Co-authored by Just Guy(?)


Cleared up all the points I had questions about, by speaking with Ananke. Removed the word 'puppetmaster', as apparently its disliked in the feeders... never a good idea to irritate them when you want to pass a resolution.

Taken on board the suggestions from Uni - though I don't want an entire clause about the NPO - just put a short bit about them being a dictatorial regime in. I have a problem (underlined) with the term "feeder", as I don't know what term to substitute in.

I still like Oxford Commas, but I'll remove them from the proposal so I don't get beaten up by grammar nazis :P

Not sure I understand the point of double-dashes... but included anyway.

The "recognising" clause will be modified, but I'm a little short of inspiration at the moment - I want to include something about her WA achievements, but am aware it sounds like something 10KI should congratulate her on, not the WA.
Edited by sedge, Oct 16 2010, 05:22 PM.
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A mean old man
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Quote:
 
The Security Council:

Recognising that Ananke II is more commonly referred to just as "Ananke";


Something about this line and the way it starts off the proposal is extremely bothersome...

I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with it, it just bothers me for some reason. I understand its purpose, but its placement...

I dunno. Might as well leave it the way it is. Something about it irritates me, though.

And I have restructured the rest of the proposal based on what sounds pretty and what is grammatically correct.

Quote:
 
Recalling that, in 2003, Ananke helped establish the North Pacific Army, a defender military based in the region The North Pacific and which was one of the most active and influential militaries based in a *feeder region*;


Grammatical problems solved. Weirdness cured. I'm not sure how to help you with the "feeder" issue. You could say "based in one of the Pacifics."

Quote:
 
Acknowledging Ananke as a leading member who eventually rose to the position of Secretary of State of the now defunct Alliance Defense Network (ADN), the largest multi-regional alliance in NationStates history;


You have an incredible problem with detached modifiers, my friend. I tried my best to fix it, but this clause might need to be totally reconstructed.

Quote:
 
Believing that, through holding this position within the ADN, Ananke assisted with the protection of numerous regions from the threat of invasion;


You can keep "Asserting" if you like. The clause doesn't seem to warrant the use of the word, though.

Quote:
 
Applauding Ananke's role as one of the three organisers of the liberation of The North Pacific in 2004, the largest successful liberation in NationStates history, which freed the region from the tyranny of the New Pacific Order, a dictatorial regime based out of The Pacific;


Wait...

Hm.

I'm going to have to stop here.

Quote:
 
Praising Ananke's continued work as a defender - first in the North Pacific Army, and then as part of the ADN, the GLA, and more recently, the 10000 Islands Treaty Organisation (TITO), which has helped to keep hundreds of regions free to rule themselves without intereference from hostile outside forces -- a cause that aligns with the Security Council's stated aim of spreading interregional peace;

Observing Ananke's tireless work within 10000 Islands, which she has helped to turn into one of the largest and most influential regions in NationStates, through extensive recruiting efforts and the welcoming of every new nation that joins the region -- a benefit shared by the wider NationStates community, as it leads to an increase in the number of nations actively engaged with their peers;

Recognising Ananke's recently-finished stint as delegate of 10000 Islands, during which Ananke was the highest-endorsed delegate in several years, who assisted in engaging the 10000 Islands community with the World Assembly, helping to shape the direction of the Security Council;

Acknowledging that as delegate of 10000 Islands, Ananke was also responsible for leading the foreign affairs mission of the region, helping to drastically increase its foreign affairs involvement, and improving diplomatic relations between other regions and 10000 Islands;

Perceiving that Ananke's work as a defender, spreading interregional peace, and as a delegate and diplomat for 10000 Islands, spreading goodwill, aligns perfectly with the Security Council's aims;

Concluding that few nations have made such a significant and beneficial contribution to NationStates as Ananke II has and that these contributions should therefore be recognised through a Commendation from the World Assembly;

Hereby Commends Ananke II

Co-authored by Just Guy(?)
Edited by A mean old man, Oct 16 2010, 06:30 PM.
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sedge
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Sedgistan
OK, guess I have to spellcheck it then...

Quote:
 
The Security Council:

Recognising that Ananke II is more commonly referred to just as "Ananke";

Recalling that, in 2003, Ananke helped establish the North Pacific Army, a defender military based in the region The North Pacific and which was one of the most active and influential militaries based in one of the Pacifics;

Aware that Ananke rose to the position of Secretary of State of the now defunct Alliance Defense Network (ADN), a leading position in what was the largest multi-regional alliance in NationStates history,

Acknowledging Ananke as a leading member who eventually rose to the position of Secretary of State of the now defunct Alliance Defense Network (ADN), the largest multi-regional alliance in NationStates history;

Believing that, through holding this position within the ADN, Ananke assisted with the protection of numerous regions from the threat of invasion;

Applauding Ananke's role as one of the three organisers of the liberation of The North Pacific in 2004, the largest successful liberation in NationStates history, which freed the region from the tyranny of the New Pacific Order, a dictatorial regime based out of The Pacific;

Praising Ananke's continued work as a defender - first in the North Pacific Army, and then as part of the ADN, the GLA, and more recently, the 10000 Islands Treaty Organisation (TITO), which has helped to keep hundreds of regions free to rule themselves without interference from hostile outside forces -- a cause that aligns with the Security Council's stated aim of spreading interregional peace;

Observing Ananke's tireless work within 10000 Islands, which she has helped to turn into one of the largest and most influential regions in NationStates, through extensive recruiting efforts and the welcoming of every new nation that joins the region -- a benefit shared by the wider NationStates community, as it leads to an increase in the number of nations actively engaged with their peers;

Recognising Ananke's recently-finished stint as delegate of 10000 Islands, during which Ananke was the highest-endorsed delegate in several years, who assisted in engaging the 10000 Islands community with the World Assembly, helping to shape the direction of the Security Council;

Acknowledging that as delegate of 10000 Islands, Ananke was also responsible for leading the foreign affairs mission of the region, helping to drastically increase its foreign affairs involvement, and improving diplomatic relations between other regions and 10000 Islands;

Perceiving that Ananke's work as a defender, spreading interregional peace, and as a delegate and diplomat for 10000 Islands, spreading goodwill, aligns perfectly with the Security Council's aims;

Concluding that few nations have made such a significant and beneficial contribution to NationStates as Ananke II has and that these contributions should therefore be recognised through a Commendation from the World Assembly;

Hereby Commends Ananke II

Co-authored by Just Guy(?)


Changes made, though are the commas necessary after "Recalling that" and "Believing that"?

How's this:
Quote:
 
Aware that Ananke rose to the position of Secretary of State of the now defunct Alliance Defense Network (ADN), a leading position in what was the largest multi-regional alliance in NationStates history,
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A mean old man
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sedge
Oct 16 2010, 07:45 PM
How's this:
Quote:
 
Aware that Ananke rose to the position of Secretary of State of the now defunct Alliance Defense Network (ADN), a leading position in what was the largest multi-regional alliance in NationStates history,
But there's still a modifier problem there. You see, the "a leading position in what was the largest multi-regional alliance in NationStates history" modifier, because of where it is placed in the sentence, modifies the term "Alliance Defense Network" rather than the term "position of Secretary of State." You're going to have to place it adjacent to the term you want it to modify if you want to be grammatically correct.

As it is right now, it's a dangling modifier.

Or a dangler.

I like to call them danglers.

Dangling chads.

Chads.

Heh. Heh heh.
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sedge
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Sedgistan
OK, I now understand what you're getting at. Unfortunately, I have fuck-all idea how to fix it.

I might write down all the words on separate pieces of paper, throw them into the air, and see which order they arrange themselves in.

Failing that, I might have to call in Naivetry for some grammatical advice.
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A mean old man
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You could cut open a pig and let the pattern of the steam billowing from its entrails tell you how to do it.
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A mean old man
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Quote:
 
Aware that Ananke rose to the position of Secretary of State of the now defunct Alliance Defense Network (ADN), the largest multi-regional alliance in NationStates history,


Right about now?
The funk soul brother?
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A mean old man
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Even that seems strange. I may have to sit and think about this one for a bit.
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sedge
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Sedgistan
A mean old man
Oct 17 2010, 03:31 PM
Quote:
 
Aware that Ananke rose to the position of Secretary of State of the now defunct Alliance Defense Network (ADN), the largest multi-regional alliance in NationStates history,


Right about now?
The funk soul brother?
Its better, but the last clause could still apply to the position Secretary of State, couldn't it?
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