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| Topic Started: Oct 22 2008, 11:49 AM (175 Views) | |
| whitetrash | Oct 22 2008, 11:49 AM Post #1 |
I'm Lost
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Angel Back in the corner of a poorly run down room, lit by a single candle with the dancing flame of hope, I stare down the barrel of a gun with the taste of metal in my mouth. My right hand on the trigger, left hand ready to plunge a syringe full of brown, murky substance into my arm, there is a thumping on the far wall making the rotted plaster fall and crumble to the dust covered floor. A tiny head pops out of the wall covered with green moss for hair, a scraggly goatee made of twigs, and shiny yellow eyes staring at me while this strange creature hops to the floor. He points at me beckons me to follow him back through the hole. The creature speaks to me and says, “Follow me and I’ll show you where you life is going to lead you.” Advancing towards the freshly made hole in the decaying wall, this strange creature known as an imp scrambles up to my shoulder and takes a seat. Blurry eyed and head pounding with the smell of rotten flesh in the air, I do not know where I am. Shaking my head to get my vision back, I look around and see strangely deformed trees with no leaves. They are decaying from the inside with twisted branches covered in mold that drips to the ground to form pools of death. The little fellow tells me, “Walk down the path made of human bone to the gate of your hell.” Stepping onto the path, bones crunch under my feet with every step I take to reach the gate to the entrance of my hell. Looking at the skulls with rotten flesh hanging from the heads of many lost souls, I wonder how to open it. Two leathery, oily, blackbirds perch on top of the gate. With demonic screeches coming from their beaks the gate swings open to let me pass through it. A gloomy, damp hallway is thumping and pumping with the life of hearts still beating to their own rhythm. The long twisting hall ends with a closed wooden door. Walking down the pathway I notice the floor is made from human hair. The strange creature says, “This is the hallway of those with no hearts when they were alive. Take a closer look my friend.” Examining the walls I notice they are made of functioning hearts still pumping blood out off them. As blood trickles down the wall and drains into little slits on the floor, I ask the creature where the blood goes. His reply is, “Do you really want the answer to where it goes?” I shake my head “no”. The imp starts screaming, “Walk faster! We are almost there; hurry now or we will be late!” Standing in front of an ancient oak door, I catch my breath before trying to open it. Suddenly a thousand eyes appear on the door with tears running out of them. While the tears fill the floor with wetness the door swings open with a long, horrific moan of pain. The smell of sweat and blood washes over me knocking me down to my knees. Raising my head at the sound of the door slamming shut behind me, my mouth drops open as my eyes take in the scene of the torture chamber around me. To the left there are humans being skinned alive with a cheese grater and a pile of shaved skin up to the knees of the beast doing the torturing. To the right heads are being put into a vice closing slowly until their eyes pop out. Straight ahead of us hearts are being ripped out with giant pliers. Hanging on the walls with spikes protruding through their hands and feet are humans waiting to see who will be tortured next. Waking up to the little imp peeing on my face, he says “Wake up wake up darling.” The gun is now lying on the floor, and the needle is still jammed in my arm full of the murky, brown liquid. “Well,” this creature says, “did you like what awaits you when you die? It looks like death will be coming soon. You have a choice to make right now, end your life with the gun or the needle or stand up, stumble out the door and don’t look back. The choice is yours to make.” Edited by whitetrash, Oct 22 2008, 12:09 PM.
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| kittyramone | Oct 22 2008, 07:03 PM Post #2 |
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Very very cool! it reminds me of "other People" by neil gaiman. |
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| whitetrash | Nov 10 2008, 02:28 PM Post #3 |
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I'm Lost
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thanks it was an english papper I had to turn in . Teacher loved it. |
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| Ryan | Dec 23 2008, 12:05 AM Post #4 |
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the Great
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In my opinion, it's too descriptive for its own good. It's an interesting read, but I think it would be a better read if you toned it down a little. I don't know, maybe that's just me. There's one phrase in particular that stood out to me as a problem, though: "this strange creature known as an imp." By calling it a "strange creature" you give the implication that the narrator does not know what it is, but clearly the second half of the phrase contradicts that, so I'd say you can call it a strange creature OR an imp, but not both. |
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| whitetrash | Feb 16 2009, 02:48 PM Post #5 |
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I'm Lost
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Thanks for the info bro what you said made a lot of since. |
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| Ryan | Mar 6 2009, 12:27 AM Post #6 |
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the Great
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No worries. Glad to help. |
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12:55 PM Nov 24
