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Mushroom Kingdom Unfazed by Recent Incident in Orbit Over Domain; News at every :11
Topic Started: Aug 19 2009, 05:13 AM (396 Views)
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This is GNS. Real. Current. News.

Coming up:

Is the hydrogen market safe? Our analysts assess the future of energy as more planets progress to higher eras.

Attaché case sales rise in governmental spending sprees. We investigate why your taxes are being put to this use.

News censor discovered volunteering spare time at local music school. We crack down on why more aren't doing the same.

Overuse of inappropriate punctuation at all time high. Copyeditors' Union goes on strike. We get headaches.

Now the news at :11:

A few of our viewers may remember the confrontation in orbit one of our reporters covered live from the ground on Domain a few days ago. Earth claims that a Kantus vessel had attempted to antimatter bomb Domain for growing threateningly quickly (possibly even to simply terrorise the Edictus), but was valiantly destroyed in a suicidal maneuver by AI Midas after it had used DE against the automated vessel. Secunda claims that such an incident had never occurred and the story was fabricated to legitimise a war of aggression. Most of the debris produced in this incident has burned up in Domain's atmosphere or has been confiscated or buried by Edictus officials, so we are unlikely to find anything identifying.

What is really strange is how little the Mushroom Kingdom seems to take notice of a near attack on one of their members from the throne worlds. The extranet is nearly silent on this clearly important event, either in fear, ignorance, or apathy. Strange, even if it didn't happen.

Has Fraunhofer's finally torn apart galactic coherence so much? Or is the Mushroom Kingdom preoccupied with threats which have actually taken their lives. Reavers, known as fierce cannibalistic savages and remarkably tasteful fashion and interior designers, have engaged in open war with them after a string of undeclared assaults exchanged between both sides.

The Sons of Liberty have joined in to defend the Mushroom Kingdom. The Reavers are in turn preparing by ordering a large shipment of hamburger buns. We will bring you interviews with some of those involved in the conflict after a word from our sponsors.

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We return now with interviews with some of the leaders engaged in this conflict. We will start with Aurum of Domain.

What was your reaction to the incident which occurred over your planet recently?
Uhhh, well I was glad I didn't get killed.

Do you believe that the reports from Earth are true? That the Kantus were going to bomb Domain?
Most of those reports are based on what my sensors picked up. So yeah, I believe it because I saw the data with my own eyes.

Could you tell if either of the ships was the Imperius?
We don't know what kind of identification signals the Kantus use, so we couldn't identify it anymore than what was given in the initial report.

Do you think the Kantus will try to strike again?
I'm positive that the Kantus will try to knock me off my throne.

Will you be holding a service for AI Midas?
I was present when Midas was granted his medal.

Have you ever seen the Kantus use DE?
No

I understand that the Reavers have declared war upon you, claiming that the Mushroom Kingdom was responsible. Who attacked who first?
We did not attack the Reavers before they attacked us.

Did they attack you before declaring war?
Yes

Did you return the attacks before they declared war?
Yes

Do you know when the first strikes were?
About 3 days ago.

Did you ask the Sons of Liberty to join you?
Not personally, but our foreign affairs department is working wonders.

Do you think they will be able to help?
Of course, if they can fight, they can help.

Do you think the Reavers will respond by asking other Kantus groups for help?
Probably

How do you feel about the use of human skin in fashion design?
It's not something I would wear.

We sent a few reporters to interview the Reavers. This one came back.

Do you know which planet of the Mushroom Kingdom attacked the Reavers first?
MK didn't attack Reavers first, they attacked...errrr...exercised a "Show of Force" against a fellow Kantus and KLIT member. We therefore were compelled to honour our commitments and defend Kantus/KLIT. We initiated operations against MK.

Which ally were you defending?
TEst, MK/Aurum attacked Jodo.

Did the Reavers attack MK before declaring war?
We feel that there is no need to "Declare/DoW", being as we've been at war against Edictus/Arthran.

What do you plan to do with the Mushroom Kingdom once you have defeated them?
I cannot answer that at this time. If I did, I'd have to do something awful to you... And you wouldn't want that.

How do you feel about MK asking the Sons of Liberty for help?
Feel? We Reavers "feel" very little in that way, we are much more base. We simply know that, the coin was flipped, and we suddenly have more targets to Rape, Eat, Skin and Kill and not necessarily in that order.

What is your favourite order of Reaver activities?
Skull Fucking! I get such great pleasure from skull fucking my meat. The sheer joy of grabbing a bag of meat from behind, ripping an ear off between clenched teeth, whilst repeatedly plunging a dull piece of jagged steel into its bowels is nice...but nothing compares to gouging out their eyes, while their screams ring in perfect harmony with my own lustful cries, and then skull fucking them... Indescribable ecstasy. A mouthful of juicy meat and a satisfied cock... Never happier has a Reaver been.

Intriguing. What do you know about the recent incident over Domain?
Incident? That is no mere incident, that is pure asswhupping TEst style. Revenge is a dish best served cold. Aurum is being instructed in how to properly conduct a "Show of force." He is being pinched, and the bruises will be deep and colourful.

Is that the same incident Earth claims was AI Midas battling Imperius?
No, most definitely not. This is just one ordinary TEst/Kantus planet kicking the shit out of a MK/Edictus whom got too big for his britches.

Could TEst have influenced the King of Man to strike Domain?
Psshaw, no one can influence the King of Man, he is the one whom influences others.

What do you believe happened over Domain?
Who really gives a rat's ass? Something happened... So what? I'm too busy having fun, raping, skinning, eatting, and killing Edictus to be bothered with such.
Makes sense.
Indeed... Tell ya what, here in a short while...checks chronograph... I have a fleet supposed to warp into space over Domain. I'll let ya know what I find. That is if, IF, there is anything left to find.

How do you feel about the use of human skin in fashion design?
Well, some of the younger generation likes their skins cured, it's a fad I'm sure. Nothing is more utilitarian than good ol'fashioned rawhide, makes for great battle armor. I am however partial to tattoos, I like sewing them onto my clothing as battle patches.

Is it true that the King of Man wears Reaver designer clothing?
Nope, but we do supply him with concubines from conquered planets.

Are the Reavers going to release any new product lines soon?
Yes, we have a new line of electromagnetic corpse chains. Attach to the carnage of your latest pleasures, toss out of the airlock, magnetise, and they immediately stick to your hull. New hull ornaments without those pesky space walks.

How do you prevent the corpses from exploding as a result of the pressure difference?
They are merely the carrion, bones held together by scraps of flesh, sinew and cartilage.

Just a reminder to our viewers that the opinions of our interviewees do not necessarily reflect our own or those of GNS and that we do not recommend doing anything they describe at home. Next up is an interview with Jodo of Terminus Est after a short break.

They were outnumbered, outgunned, and outsmarted. What did they do? They said stupid, historically inaccurate things to please the lowest common denominator demographic with power fantasies and prosperity aversions, while kicking ass. Based on a grossly exaggerated and poorly drawn comic book based on a poorly interpreted historical event is 3000. This. Is. Spaceee!

What's that?
Oh, this? It's my
Fraktalls™.
Can I have some?
No, get your own.
Please?
Get off me you dirty
?localenemy. gunshot
I told you they were mine.


I've heard that the "Show of Force" the Reavers are referring to is an attack by the Mushroom Kingdom on Terminus Est. Is this true?
Yes, it is. My home planet was the one to receive the attack, costing a lot of fighters and manpower. The Reavers saw the attack and responded. The Edictus threw the first punch here.

Is TEst fighting back as well?
We have, with more to come. We razed the strongest Mushroom planet to the ground, killing everyone and everything we could get our hands on in response. As we speak, we are preparing for an... even grander response to their pathetic show of force.

What do you think of the Mushroom Kingdom asking the Sons of Liberty for help?
Tactically, it made sense. From what I know of SoL, they honour their allies above self preservation. Had they been Kantus, we would have befriended them. In the grand scheme of things though, I feel their entrance into this war will make little difference. As I said, we have some plans of our own. By the time this report reaches the masses, we'll have begun launching our fleets over various...target planets. There will be no survivors.

Do you feel you needed help from the Reavers to retaliate?
Yes, at the time we were in the midst of a massive organisation of our fleets. Had it not been for the Reavers, Terminus Est and the Kantus as a whole would have been weakened. Because of their assistance, we have grown to be the strongest alliance. We are in short, the blade of the King of Man.

When was the first strike from the Mushroom Kingdom?
Approximately a week ago, give or take a few days. Their fleet entered our space, but our fleet responded quickly, landing the first blows before being destroyed. They then began to bombard us from space before being repelled by assisting Kantus forces.

Was this before the publicised incident over Domain?
Shortly before, yes.

Could the attack have influenced the King of Man to strike?
I do not believe there was an attack from the King of Man. It is our belief that it is simply Edictus propaganda against the free peoples of the Kantus.

What do you believe happened?
I can't be certain, but knowing the lengths the Edictus will go through in order to sully His name, they likely blew up one of their own ships and staged the attack. Terminus Est has been around since the corrupt Emperor vanished and went into hiding. We know how the King of Man operates better than anyone else. He would not have sent a ship to attack that planet when he could have let the warriors of the Blood God have that fun. Besides... it makes no sense to send one. He has hundreds of thousands available. The story makes no logical sense to warriors like us.

How do you feel about the use of human skin in fashion design?
Whatever floats your boat I guess. We prefer brass, skulls, and morally bankrupt women.
Jodo downs a beer.

Is it true that the King of Man wears Reaver designer clothing?
I can't say. I have never seen him personally.

Do you think I could get an interview with the King of Man?
Not unless you like being alive. Er, dead I mean. Sorry, multitasking. Concentrating on our fleet movements.
I understand.
Also, I hope you are staying tuned with our own broadcasts. We just launched an important announcement.

What do you plan to do with the Mushroom Kingdom once you have defeated them?
I like how you correctly assume we will win. That pleases me. As for the 'shroomers, that is entirely up to the will of the Blood God. He may choose to spare them so that they may rise again, or perhaps the genocide of their entire alliance. It's hard to say, but both are within our reach.

How long do you think the war will last?
Until they are either dead, or they recognize the superior forces of Terminus Est, KLIT, and the Kantus as a whole by surrendering.

Do you think more AGE and KLIT members will be drawn into this conflict?
I believe that this is the first in a series of long battles between the two Blocs. It is certainly possible that by the end, the entirety of both sides will have entered.

Do you think the Arthran will play at all in this?
We've seen a few small skirmishes from the Arthran into Kantus territory. They have all been repelled, but to my knowledge there has been little to no counter attacks. For the most part, Terminus Est does not view them as a threat in any form. So long as they stay on their side of the 'fence' we shall let them live... for now.
Hardly the force which won over Aura is it?
No. It to this point has been a very dim shadow of what was once the 'Great' Arthran fleet. Not that they were all that great anyways... Terminus Est was part of the original Kantus rebellion. We tangled with them over Walker 1440, and came away still breathing. For a force that was bred and raised simply to kill Kantus, I'm unimpressed. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have my own warships to prep. There is a war to be won, and I'll be damned if I'll miss out on the first few kills. Oh, and a word of warning. Stay out of Terminus Est's way. Heh.
Thank you for speaking with us.

Finally, we interview Mercutio Midas of New Francisco.

I've been told that the Mushroom Kingdom asked you to fight the Reavers. Is this true?
It is, indeed. They called upon us in their hour of need, as per our treaty and after some very brief debate, we agreed to help them. We gave ourselves 24 hours to arm before we formally declared war.

Do you know why the Reavers attacked the Mushroom Kingdom?
They couldn't stand the freedom of speech permitted within the Mushroom Kingdom and felt that the only way to salvage their pride was to break the fragile galactic peace that had been established after the Fall.

The Reavers claim that the Mushroom Kingdom had provided a "Show of Force."
We don't buy into conspiracy theories.

One of them told me that Aurum had attacked Jodo.
Well, I'll tell you what my administration cares about. Our allies in the Mushroom Kingdom are at war. We're not going to simply sit by and watch these Kantus dogs attack them without doing something about it.

Are the Sons of Liberty at war with TEst?
Unless I'm mistaken, we were not specifically declared on. At the moment, our Expeditionary Armada is attacking the Reavers, because the Mushroom Kingdom asked for our help there. Should the Mushroom Kingdom wish our assistance with them, they have but to ask. However, Axyrus felt it necessary to declare war upon us, so we are at war with them. And Legion, though not formally declaring, has assaulted the capital world of New Francisco, and we consider ourselves at war with them as well.

Have any other AGE groups joined the war?
I believe the Galactic Republic and the Terrans have joined the good fight as well.

What do you plan to do with the Reavers once you have defeated them?
Well, I'm leaving that to the Mushroom Kingdom. They are the principals in this war; we're just here to support them in their efforts. Suffice it to say that we will not abandon this war until the Mushroom Kingdom is satisfied with a peace agreement.

Who do you think will fold first?
I am confident in the war fighting capability of my allies and the Edictus as a whole. We are strong, we are organized, and we are prepared to win. For example, the Kantus have bombarded our capital nonstop since war's beginning, but only approximately 4000 civilians have died. We lost more people from the Nausea.

What do you believe caused the Nausea?
Well, the crazy nutter talk about my administration doing it aside, I'm rather convinced that it originated with the Kantus. It worked entirely to their advantage. As best we can tell, there was no real Kantus unity before the Nausea. Now there is.

Do you think the Arthran will join the war?
If they do, they'll join on our side. The Arthran have closer ties to us Edictus than they ever will with the Kantus.

What do you know about the recent publicised incident over Domain?
Just what the Edictus authorities have relayed to us... the noble AI Midas led the Indefatigable in a last-ditch attempt to save an Edictus capital world from certain destruction at the hands of the Kantus.

Neat name. Do you think Jodo could have influenced the King of Man to attack Domain?
It's possible, but I cannot say for certain. Patriot intelligence is directed at the war effort at present, not at the Domain incident.

Have you ever seen the Kantus use DE?
In person? No. But I've heard the stories, felt the intrasense.

Do you expect to someday?
Sure, if the Sons of Liberty ever finish our Directed Energy programme in the coming years or the Kantus throne decides to unleash theirs.

Are you in favour of DE proliferation?
I'm of two minds on the issue. History teaches us that extraordinarily powerful weapons bring about a period of peace. But if they get into the hands of more than, say, a dozen powers, the deterrent factor slips and they become commonly used. Interplanetary War I, for example. I'll say this. I'm in favour of the Sons of Liberty being the first non-throne world to have DE weaponry.

Do you think the throne worlds will strike again soon?
If I had any intelligence answering that question, I certainly wouldn't be at liberty to share it.

How is New Francisco? This fighting must be getting to them.
We've seen better days, obviously, but for all the bombardment the citizens here are holding fast. We've got extensive bunker networks in all the main cities, so our people haven't died as much as the Kantus were expecting. Really, the bombardment's only generated scorn for the Kantus. We expected them to do far worse than this. If it weren't for the few casualties coming through, I'd say it's almost laughable what the "mighty" Kantus can't do to one undefended world.

How do you feel about the use of human skin in fashion design?
I think that the Reavers will have to stand account for that practice in a war crimes tribunal.

Anything else you wish to say?
I would simply like to encourage all Edictus everywhere to hold fast against this aggression. The times may look bleak, but ultimately, we will prevail, and the victory will be ours, as it has been for the past 3000 years.
That's all for now. Thank you for speaking with us.
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