Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
Add Reply
The Yellow Kantus Journal Issue #1; Your source for galactic news
Topic Started: Aug 13 2009, 11:00 AM (871 Views)
Cobra Commander
Member Avatar

The Yellow Kantus Journal
A dismembered eye on galactic affairs, a Kantus News Center production

LEGION IN REHAB

The entire government of the Legion has been checked into rehab as they came off what they themselves described as “one fucking trippy freakout, man.” According to the Legion’s own press-release, they were sold some “serious shit” that independent sources have confirmed to be mushrooms from the Mushroom Kingdom. When asked about the mushrooms in question, the Legion government officials merely groaned and said “never again.”

Signs that the Legion government may have been abusing substances came about on 10 August when the Kantus men and women were seen in the shady area of the Edictus side of the galaxy dealing with an equally-shady looking man in a trench-coat.

Posted Image
Police sketch of suspected mushroom dealer.


Shortly afterwards, the government officials were seen staggering around town talking about “goombas and plumbers and shit.” However, the only definitive proof that the Legion was abusing substances came on the same day when the alliance signed a treaty with the Mushroom Kingdom, a very Edictus alliance and major exporter of mushrooms. After the news broke, fellow Kantus governments quickly staged an intervention

“To put it frankly, we were worried,” Litha of the Reavers told us. “The Legion just hadn’t been acting the same at our Kantus rallies. They kept to themselves and smelled like they hadn’t bathed in weeks. It was only after they signed a treaty with the Mushroom Kingdom did we know what was going on.” The intervention was a tear-jerking event, as the Legion, surrounded by their Kantus brethren, came to their senses.

“How could we have done such a thing?” Lord Fingolfin asked vainly between sobs. “How could we have been so blind? So selfish?”
The Legion, having realized their problem, promptly checked themselves into rehab. The Mushroom Kingdom, having lost a valuable customer, let their rage be heard from the other end of the galaxy.

“Those Kantus are just trying to kill our buzz, man!” one MK citizen yelled at a demonstration in favor of the Legion’s continued shroom use. “They’re just mad that one of their dudes saw how good this shit really is! They’re a bunch of fascists trying to control what the rest of us can do, man!” The Edictus then formed a circle and played hacky-sack while an obscure band no one had heard of before played a song that sounded suspiciously like “Dark Side of the Moon.”

While the outcome of this situation has been debated throughout the galaxy, one thing is for sure: whatever the Legion was on, it must have been really good shit.

-----
Written by Cobra Commander
Yellow Kantus Journal, A Dismembered Eye on Galactic Affairs
-----

Glorious People's Champion Vilien Martyred Defending Freedom

Today, Glorious People's Champion Vilien, leader of the Terran Alliance and defender of worker's rights throughout the galaxy, has been slain by the villainous hands of the Kantus Bourgeoisie. Comrade Vilien, who fell in battle forwards onto the bodies of three Kantus dogs slain by his hand while hoisting the People's Flag, will be forever remembered for empowering workers everywhere and inspiring generations to come.

Posted Image
Vilien, pictured here, will be enshrined forever in the worker's heart. Good night, sweet people's champion.


The dramatic betrayal of Comrade Vilien by Kantus dog Groucho will forever be etched into the minds of the people's soldiers as they crush the enemy in the name of their glorious fallen leader. Groucho, spineless cur that he is, betrayed the Terran Alliance and whored it to her enemies when he usurped the alliance by way of majority vote 22-1. Vilien, wise as he was, did not fall for the clever rouse of democracy. Instead, he declared himself our glorious leader and raised our banner high against the obvious enemy: the Kantus Bourgeoisie.

The Kantus Bourgeoisie responded with fear and loathing as the shining light of truth set upon them. Soon the workers would overrun them, and their control of the means of production of the galaxy would fall into the commoners' hands. Comrade Vilien charged them triumphantly, and promptly dealt the bourgeoisie the proletariat's vengeance by skewering himself on Kantus weaponry. The Kantus hordes cheered, declaring themselves the victor; however, it was the Glorious and Wise Vilien who is the true victor! His sacrifice will unite the workers for years to come! It it only a matter of time before the workers of the galaxy unite, follow in Vilien's footsteps, and skewer themselves on the Kantus Bourgeoisie's weaponry, for Comrade Vilien's wisdom tells us that it is only through mass-suicide that the people can truly defeat them! The day will come when the proletariat will rise against the bourgeoisie and throw themselves onto their weaponry, and the Kantus must live in fear of this day until it finally comes!

For freedom! For the people! For Glorious Comrade Vilien!

-----
Written by Cobra Commander
Yellow Kantus Journal, A Dismembered Eye on Galactic Affairs
-----

Editorial - AGE(d) KLIT

It has only been a little while since the Galactic Nausea caused all citizens, regardless of faction, across the galaxy to forget what they had been doing since the beginning of time. Already two factions have unified themselves under one banner in order to maintain the shaky peace that currently exists: the Edictus with the "Allied Gentlemen of Edictus" pact, and the Kantus with the "Kantus League of Irrational Terror." Yet, with all these new political maneuvers (whether they be brilliant or not), it is hard to shake the feeling that this has been done before.

This writer believes he is not just writing about his own gut feeling. It has been seen in the transmissions between Kantus and Edictus space; references to names of planets and factions that seem to not exist in this galaxy have been tossed around in casual conversation, and no one has questioned their nature. Well, this is actually not true; many people deny that these places and people exist, but government officials from certain Edictus alliances have been quick to throw down terms such as "New Pacific Order" during both casual conversation and heated political posturing. It has been extremely difficult to tell what this "N. P. O." (as it has been referred to several times) actually is, but the general consensus amongst Edictus, Arthran, and even some Kantus alliances is that it was "evil."

Whatever it was. No one can really say what it was. It reminds this writer of old earthen bed-time tales that parents questionable in their methods tell their children; Stories detailing ominous specters and ghosts, and recurring figures such as "the bogeyman." What these characters have done in the past are never clearly defined, and their existence obviously cannot be proven. If this writer were classless, he'd liken it to religion; however, this writer likes to think of himself as a very classy character. But the very fact that these olde-time factions and planets are brought up does bring to mind some questions. Who were these people that the Edictus have christened "Pacificans?" Why do Kantus factions, such as the Reavers, most resemble them? Were they ancient gods known for destruction? Were they merely men who others just despised for no good reason? Or did they cause others to despise them through offensive actions?

Who are these people? Unfortunately, this writer's research has pointed him to a dead end. What he has been able to learn is that these "Pacificans" were part of a large faction of affiliated alliances that, apparently, spread terror throughout a planet before "a wise and benevolent force" pushing themselves as agents of fate defeated them. However, the when and where of this political drama is indeterminable. For all intent and purpose, they simply do not exist in this universe, and apparently this was even known before the Great Nausea.

So how come this writer still can't shake off the feeling that this has all been done before? Well, he conveniently subscribes to many absurd and unprovable theories; so, he will attempt to explain the relation of these "Pacificans" to the AGE-KLIT conflict: this is but one universe, and in a different universe, these two factions exist and have actually fought each other.

Crazy, right? Well, that's what people perpetuating this "Pacifican" theory are proposing. The only reason we can't shake off the feeling that it's all been done before is because Arthran, Edictus, and Kantus citizens alike are perpetuating the idea that it has all been done before. So, until we can put this stupid notion of alternate universes behind us, we will be stuck in a perpetual feeling of deja vu, and alliance leaders will forever be haunted by the bogeyman known as "Pacificans."

And honestly, how can you take leaders who believe in this shit seriously?

-----
Written by Cobra Commander
Yellow Kantus Journal, A Dismembered Eye on Galactic Affairs
-----

Signing Off

Posted Image

Until next time, stay hungry for Edictus!
Edited by Cobra Commander, Aug 13 2009, 11:01 AM.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Lord of Destruction
Member Avatar

I look forward to more editions of TYKJ. This was a very good read, Cobra.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Alfred von Schliefen

Very nice work!
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Nate
Member Avatar

Nice propaganda.

I look forward to essays to come on why wars were won and lost.
Edited by Nate, Aug 13 2009, 11:15 AM.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Cobra Commander
Member Avatar

The Yellow Kantus Journal merely reports the news as it happens; it is not interested in drull affairs such as writing why Edictus warfare is conducted or who is right. Such things are for Edictus to debate amongst themselves while us Kantus laugh at you.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
The Chairman
Member Avatar

I accuse you of yellow journalism

Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Necoho
Member Avatar

I see potential for this.

Good work! I honestly and eagerly look forward to seeing more of this!

You're very good at writing!
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Cobra Commander
Member Avatar

The Chairman
Aug 13 2009, 03:52 PM
I accuse you of yellow journalism

We at the Yellow Kantus Journal are shocked and appalled. More on this next week.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Mercutio Midas
Member Avatar

"Yellow" is an appropriate descriptor for the Kantus.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
King Puffington
Member Avatar

I'll never get those 2 minutes of my life back D:
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous)
Go to Next Page
« Previous Topic · Alliance Politics · Next Topic »
Add Reply