Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
Welcome to Tng Community, the forum for the online writing group "The Novelists' Guild."

Please join our community to help us expand. We profess in being open and friendly to our members and we have been working hard to make your experience here enjoyable. Features our forums have include:

• An official stories directory.
• Reviews from our staff. We will review any story in our directory, no obligations.
• Writing resources which will help you improve.
• A kind community of readers.
• Off-topic discussion forums.
• A friendly and experienced staff with months of experience in leading writing groups.

Join our community!

If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features.

Username:   Password:
Add Reply
Vengeance; Even a Killer has a Hint of Morality
Topic Started: Jul 30 2009, 01:35 AM (184 Views)
Isaiah JS
Member Avatar
Reviewer

This is actually a redo of an old project. Hopefully it's better this time around...

Prologue

Norman drew himself up to his full height; a whopping 3 feet 2 inches, and charged the 5 foot 9 Mark. He dashed across the grbutty battlefield, also known as his backyard. Wooden sword held high, he loosed his battle cry. His brother easily sidestepped the blow, and smacked Norman on his behind as he stumbled from the miss. Norman gave a cry of frustration, that was the tenth time he had been fooled.

His brother grinned. "Come on Norm, you'll never beat me if you're on the ground!".

Norman pushed himself up and charged again. His brother waited patiently for his little legs to reach him, before throwing up his own sword in defense. Norman ricocheted off and fell to the ground once again.

Norman could see the signs of Mark's overconfidence now, his loose stance, his playful grin, his mind was becoming careless. This gave Norman an idea. He charged again, pretending to be ignorant of one of his brother's tricks. When he reached his opponent, he ceased his attack and stood still. His brother merely held up his sword, clear expecting a repeat of last time. He looked like a fool. Norman hit him on the wrist, causing him to drop his sword. He pointed his own weapon at his brother's chest.

Norman grinned. "Ha! I won!". Mark's mouth was hanging open in disgust, shaking his head. "Oh be quiet." He said. "You know I just let you win."

"Nuh uh." Said Norman. "I totally tricked you, fair and square."

"Or so I would have you believe." Said his brother slyly.

"Stop it! That's not really true is it?"

Mark grinned. "Who's to say?"

7 years later...

Norman had trained rigorously for this moment, working on his form; how to be fluid, yet strong. He had developed his own flowing rhythm. And now he was prepared. He looked to his father Astor, a muscular man, with a hardened face, short hair, brown eyes. Norman looked almost identical to him.

Astor stepped between Norman and his opponent. "This is it." Thought Norman. A rush of emotions flooded through him. Fear, anxiety, and most of all, hope. Hope that he would finally join his father's mercenary company. "Begin." Astor said.

Instantly, Hector charged across the field, flailing his axe wildly. Norman rushed forward to meet his, keeping his sword in front of him. They met in a thunderous clash, locked in a test of strength. Norman grunted from the effort, "Whoa, he's stronger than I thought." Hector thrust his axe forward, throwing Norman back. Clearly he agreed with Norman. Hector waited for Norman to charge again, and he did. Norman unleashed a barrage of blows, though Hector parried them all with ease. Norman fell back, panting.

"What's the matter pup? Too weak to defeat a lowly mercenary?"

"I'm strong enough to defeat you!" Norman loosed his battle cry and mounted a new buttault. He unleashed his full arsenal; backhand slices, forward thrusts, overhead swings, attacking from all angles, but Hector stood his ground.

Hector began hacking at Norman, who scrambled away. He was clearly overmatched.

"Come on boy! You'll never beat me from over there!"

Norman identified signs of overconfidence. He saw Hector prepared for a block followed by a counterstrike. Norman charged, and stopped in front of him. Hector raised his axe foolishly, expecting an overhead blow. Norman disarmed him and pointed his sword at Hector's chest.

He grinned. "I win!" he exclaimed.

"YES, I'm finally in!"thought Norman. Astor rushed over to the battlefield. "Congratulations son, I expect you at the fort bright and early tomorrow." He said with a smile.

Pride swept through Norman over his victory. He had finally earned his father's approval. Hector was looking sour at his loss. "

I let you win. I could beat you any day and you know it." He said. Astor quickly left, he didn't like to get in the middle of fights. Norman snorted. "In your dreams, you lost fair and square, admit it." Hector's eyes narrowed.

" Fine, I admit it, you won." But as soon as Astor was out of earshot, he said

"I won't forget this, whelp." Bitter rage was etched into his expression. Norman quickly turned and strode back to his house, a little shaken by how Hector handled the loss, but still pleased that he was finally a full fledged mercenary.
Edited by Isaiah JS, Aug 10 2009, 06:20 PM.
V E N G E A N C E
Even a
killer has a hint of morality
My poetry
Check it out!
"A cynic is the man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing."
"Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. "
"Man can believe the impossible, but man can never believe the improbable. "
"I have the simplest tastes, I am always satisfied with the best."
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Cosmic
Member Avatar
Administrator

Pretty good, but the opening is a bit cliché. I have just seen too many stories which begin with a peasant/commoner or something of that caliber joining some sort of military group. I did notice an error or two as well, like this one:

"Norman had trained rigorously for this moment. He had spent years working toward this moment."

You repeat moment twice.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Isaiah JS
Member Avatar
Reviewer

Are you saying that I can't have someone join a mercenary group because another author has done it?

Thanks for catching that, I meant to delete that second sentence...
V E N G E A N C E
Even a
killer has a hint of morality
My poetry
Check it out!
"A cynic is the man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing."
"Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. "
"Man can believe the impossible, but man can never believe the improbable. "
"I have the simplest tastes, I am always satisfied with the best."
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Cosmic
Member Avatar
Administrator

I'm merely saying it's unoriginal and you should do your best to make as many twists on that as possible.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous)
« Previous Topic · Creative Writing Studio · Next Topic »
Add Reply

Shiva created by Sarah and Delirium of the ZBTZ and Open Eyes.