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| Topic Started: Jul 10 2008, 05:04 PM (212 Views) | |
| Lightning | Jul 10 2008, 05:04 PM Post #1 |
Bring it on
  ![]](http://209.85.62.24/static/1/pip_r.png)
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This was from when I was a lot younger, and I wanted to write a poem about a monster. It's weird.  What was that creature I saw last night? That gave me such a dreadful fright? It jumped on me It broke my arm It indeed gave me harm One day I plan to go outside And behind a thorn bush I will hide So when the creature comes out of the woods Tie it up I will I’ll stomp on it and kill it And make money to buy a mill. The last part is totally irrelevant. |
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| Lykaios | Jul 15 2008, 03:22 PM Post #2 |
Administrator
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I think this poem is quite sweet, but this line seems a bit strange comming from a child's point of view and you already said he monster broke your arm so, it seems un needed and more like you tried to make the poem rhyme. Someone told me that if you find yourself struggling for rhymes or forcing them , then don't use them. You could always try half-rhymes instead to add to the childish feel of the monster etc. I do think you could develop on this, show some emotions and maybe give us an image of this monster? The mill bit is interesting though random, but if you could add little bits like this throughout the poem it's feel a lot more fun. Monsters are great subjects, you can use your imagination to dreate anything you like. Tghis poem is from a child's PoV and they obviously use their imagination a lot to plan etc. but I think 'kill' is a bit of a strong word, and something that cuts short your poem. Anyway, if any of this makes sense, I hope it helps. If not, PM me.
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| Lightning | Nov 4 2008, 07:08 PM Post #3 |
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Bring it on
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I forgot I posted here. Am I allowed to bump topics this old? Well thanks for reading. I probably won't change anything about it, because I was little when I wrote it and I might as well just start over.
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| Lykaios | Nov 7 2008, 04:55 PM Post #4 |
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Administrator
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Yeah, bumping's alright this time, but next time you could PM your response instead unless it's a new-ish topic? |
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| Lightning | Nov 12 2008, 07:03 PM Post #5 |
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Bring it on
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Sorry. I'll do that next time.
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7:07 AM Nov 25
