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"Please, Elric, I want to be alone." Anabelle said, addressing him by his first name. "Can't you tell my mother that you could not catch up with me?" She continued, her blue eyes pleading.

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She stopped only when she reached the edge of the forest, pausing to adjust her slate grey cloak, pulling the hood over the red scarf covering her dark hair.

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"Yes." "Thank you."

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"Aye, no. I have me orders," Elric replied.

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Only royals were allowed to wear red.

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she asked, already knowing the answer.

CharlotteLydia

 

This is a really short short story and I'm going to continue it eventaully. Sometime in december if I don't get it finished now. I'm doing NaNoWriMo this year so no time to work on anything other than my NaNo story.I know how that is.
Its set in the Charlotteverse of my crazy mind. Aka made up knight/castle/ princess land where no one is allowed to where color and there are arranged marriages and shit crap. I'm going to shut up now. (everyone else in the world: yay!)
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Blue - my comments/suggestions/corrections
Red - subject (your writing) of the blue comments because bold doesn't really work on the default skin theme.


<Yum. You sould be careful with those oranges - side-effects. The world was a painting. A painting painted not sure about that. I know what you're trying to do but the repetition so close is awkward. Maybe substitute the first work with 'picture' o somehting else? with a ragged brush dipped in old paint water.Instead of saying what it is, try describing what it looks like? Murky, grey-blue, the colour of dish water, muddy, the result of a mix of colours . . . Maybe make some painty water up and try describing it that way? You need to let your reader imagine it. Grey sky, grey buildings, grey cobblehyphen in herestone streets and court yards.<one word

Suddenly A lot of writers will tell you to avoid this word like the plague unless you're writing for kids under ten. It doesn't tell us uch about what's happening. Try use a different word without jumping. a flash of red stained the air.where? Only royals were allowed to wherewear red. speech should start a new paragraph>"Princess!!!"<only one exclamation, and lowercase 'a'> A voice rang out

So an asterix here.

Anabelle stopped running abruptly and spun around to see the face of her mother's favorite guard.Um . . . confused? Is this the person in red? If so, that was an extremely quick point-of-view swap. Firstly, I think you need to work more on the first POV you were writing from because it's confusing to swap to someone else without knowing who the other person. Also, you need an asterix (*) where you swap, so your reader knows you're swapping charcters/time.

"Please, Elric, I want to be alone."<comma in there Anabelle said, addressing him by his first name.You don't need this because we know it's his first name. "Can't you tell my mother that you could notmaybe use 'couldn't' here? It sounds more realistic then. catch up with me?" lowercase 's'>She continued, her blue eyes pleading.Double dialogue tags - what WannabeWriter said.

"Aye, no. I have me orders."<comma in there. Elric replied.

Ana took her purse and withdrew 3spell the word out unless it's more than three/four digits gold coins from it.don't need that, it's obvious. She pressed them into the guard's hand. "Can you tell my mum that now?" lowercase 's'>She asked, already knowing the answer. "Yes." "Thank you."I think you could get away with cutting that, because it's obvious by her actions what she expects his answer to be. She turned one more and continued her flight, heels hitting sharply against the cobbles, 'like'? a bird flying away from its silver cage.
maybe add some description of the forest? Try useing your senses to show what it feels like. Is it cold/windy? Overcast/sunny? is the ground wet, is the air damp, does she feel chilly? Whatcan she smell/hear? The senses are a great way to cover you your reader what your character is going through in the story and is also a visual aid. Try experimenting with this.
She continued running, running away from her home, her silver cage, her gilded hell, her jewel-encrusted prison.

She stopped only when she reached the edge of the forest, pausing to adjust her slatehyphen heregrey cloak, pulling the hood over the red scarf covering her dark hair. She was about to set off into the forest when she turned to look back, expecting second thoughts but she felt none. She knew her decision, and she was set with it.