Eye of the Storm

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Eye of the Storm
Topic Started: Jun 10 2009, 03:50 PM (90 Views)
Amlesh	Jun 10 2009, 03:50 PM Post #1
Crayon Posts: 16 Group: Members Member #35 Joined: May 27, 2009	Original: Spoiler: click to toggle A phantasmagoric commotion echoing through the streets of the South in the halls of past rulers floating northward to the ears of the Great General. “We grow on your fear; it feeds our hungry people.” So says the One seeking obliteration and the coming conquest of his People which will encompass all the world. But no - we will not trifle ourselves with the fidgeting of the neutrons The heart of an innocent building block and the soul of an apocalyptic global hurricane. Some Unpleasantries are better left untouched. Second draft: Spoiler: click to toggle A phantasmagoric commotion echoing through the streets of the South in the halls of past rulers floats northward to the ears of the firstborn son. “We grow on your fear; it satiates our dire hunger.” So says the one seeking warfare and the coming age of his people which will deflower all the world. But no-–we will not trifle ourselves with the fidgeting of the neutrons - the heart of an innocent building block and the soul of a premature apocalypse. Some unpleasantries are better left untouched. Third draft: Spoiler: click to toggle A phantasmagoric commotion echoing through the streets of the South in the halls of past rulers floats northward to the ears of the firstborn son (Stroke, stroke). “We grow on your fear; it satiates our dire hunger.” So says the one seeking brutality and the coming age of his people which will deflower all the world. But no-–we will not trifle ourselves with the fidgeting of the neutrons - the heart of an innocent building block and the soul of a premature apocalypse. Some unpleasantries are better left untouched. Edited by Amlesh, Jun 11 2009, 07:08 PM.



Lykaios	Jun 12 2009, 10:24 PM Post #2
Administrator Posts: 671 Group: Admins Member #1 Joined: May 23, 2008	Third Draft A phantasmagoric commotion echoing through the streets of the lowercase?>South in the halls of past rulers floats northward to the ears of the firstborn son (Stroke, stroke).I don't understand what that's there for, or what it's supposed to mean/symbolise or anything . . . This was an interesting begining showing some good ideas. “We grow on your fear; it satiates our dire hunger.” So says the one seeking brutality and the coming age of his people which will deflower all the world. I'm not sure about this stanza. It flows niceley, better than the first stanza, but I think you should try and develop some of your ideas. To deflower is an interesting idea you could develop on with some imagery, try painting a part of a picture. But no-–we will not trifle ourselves with the fidgeting of the neutrons - this is my favourite line. the heart of an innocent building block and the soul of a premature apocalypse. I think you could develop on this idea too. Show us some visual imagery maybe. Premature apocalypse. Show something of what it looks like, or feels like -- make that last line have some more meaning by showing why it's better untouched. Some unpleasantries are better left untouched. This seems to break the flow of the poem. I'm not sure if you intended it to though, but I think it stands out more as a prose-sentence than as part of a poem, if that makes any sense. Well, I'm not much good at poetry as I've only dabbled, so sorry for the brief critique. I felt that the rhythm was okay and the poem flowed well. There are a few ideas that I think you could expand on, and I think you should use some stronger words to emphasise your point at the end.
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Lvl100Magikarp	Jun 13 2009, 01:33 AM Post #3
Crayon Posts: 7 Group: Members Member #36 Joined: Jun 7, 2009	Lykaios Jun 12 2009, 10:24 PM Some unpleasantries are better left untouched. This seems to break the flow of the poem. I'm not sure if you intended it to though, but I think it stands out more as a prose-sentence than as part of a poem, if that makes any sense. I think that one line is prose, and he just put it there at the end to sum up or reflect on the lines above, like a signature of sorts. This is an interesting poem. I'm not sure why, but I don't really like the first line in the second stanza. It might be the word "dire," but I don't know. I think I might understand the last stanza, but not the fidgeting with the neutrons bit. I like the "deflower" line. Edited by Lvl100Magikarp, Jun 13 2009, 01:34 AM.



Amlesh	Jun 13 2009, 01:30 PM Post #4
Crayon Posts: 16 Group: Members Member #35 Joined: May 27, 2009	I've heard from several people now that the second stanza is too dramatic. Magikarp noted my use of the word "dire" in particular. Does anybody have any ways for me to tone this stanza down a bit?



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