Fingers of Iron and Steel

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Fingers of Iron and Steel; cranes lolz
Topic Started: Jun 8 2009, 02:47 AM (47 Views)
Lvl100Magikarp	Jun 8 2009, 02:47 AM Post #1
Crayon Posts: 7 Group: Members Member #36 Joined: Jun 7, 2009	Piercing perhaps clouds, these towers stood Iron and steel crafted to build Moving near concrete and rotten wood Letting man make what God willed It lifted beams and other things But those things I cannot recall Building shapes like squares and rings To fortify our precious walls I know not when they'll be replaced As time keeps up its crawl But its creations will always be effaced By its blackened wrecking ball Edited by Lvl100Magikarp, Jun 8 2009, 02:49 AM.



Amlesh	Jun 10 2009, 03:49 PM Post #2
Crayon Posts: 16 Group: Members Member #35 Joined: May 27, 2009	Quote: Piercing perhaps clouds *So you don't know what the towers are piercing... so it's perhaps* clouds? This sounds like something you threw in there just to add more syllables. It's dead weight in the poem. , these towers stood Iron and steel crafted to build This line is ok. Moving near concrete and rotten wood Hang on... what's moving near concrete and rotting wood? The iron and steel? Letting man make what God willed It lifted beams and other things This line is ok. But those things I cannot I think "can't" would flow better here than "cannot." "Cannot" just seems to be too many syllables and screws up the flow. recall Building shapes like squares and rings Now I really don't know what's being built... Reader confusion is never good - unless you planned for that and wrote the poem with that in mind (and hopefully with some solution to remedy the confusion). To fortify our precious walls I originally thought this line has too many syllables. That's not the case. It's your word choice. The "fortify" is what trips the line up. "Fortify" is a three syllable word - but the syllables are short and all crammed together. This, combined with the accent placed on "for" creates an effect that makes the line unreadable. This is easy to fix, however. Switch "fortify" for a longer word like "reinforce." The two words have the same meaning, and the line is now much easier to menteally read. I know not when they'll be replaced This line is... mediocre. "I know not" seems ~~sort of~~ really old school. However, "I don't know" seems pretty slangy. Do what you want with this line, because I certainly haven't a clue. As time keeps up its crawl This line is fine. But its creations will always be effaced Is "effaced" really the word you want to use here? It refers to a thinning of tissue - usually during pregnancy. By its blackened wrecking ball I would add a period here. I like punctuation in poems, especially at the very end. A period gives the last stanza something to end on.** Ok, first thing's first. I don't like your rhyming scheme. It's nothing personal, there are few rhyming schemes that I do like. Rhymes are tough to pull off because, usually, the reader feels like the rhyme is forced. In other words, lines may be added just to have an external rhyme. If they add nothing to the poem, they're dead weight. They don't do anything other than add a rhyme. You really want to avoid that. I wouldn't recommend writing rhyming poetry until you are very experienced and very capable. If you are dead set on it, though, read some good rhyming poems. "The Raven" by Edgar Allan Poe is an excellent example. Henry Longfellow also has some good one - read his "Excelsior" or "A Psalm of Life." Rhyming poems not written by absolute geniuses often appear childish - this one certainly seemed that way to me. Again, it's nothing personal, just the nature of the beast. Next, I'm not entirely sure what the meaning of this poem was. I gathered that something was being built, but that's about it. A little reader confusion is good - it may cause them to reread in an attempt to understand. Getting readers to think about what you've written is a sign of a good poet (or an author, if you also write prose). There's not much you can do to fix this confusion, though, without completely rewriting the poem and rethinking some of your word choice. The last thing I want to see is you "dumbing down" the poem to where you come right out and tell your reader what they're reading. Intelligent readers won't like it if they feel like they're being "dumbed down." Work on adding subtlety to your poem without completely ruining it. This isn't completely bad, but also not very good. It appears like something written by a child for other children.



Lvl100Magikarp	Jun 11 2009, 02:57 AM Post #3
Crayon Posts: 7 Group: Members Member #36 Joined: Jun 7, 2009	Thanks for the criticism, lad. [/b] Quote: Piercing perhaps clouds *So you don't know what the towers are piercing... so it's perhaps* clouds? This sounds like something you threw in there just to add more syllables. It's dead weight in the poem. , these towers stood No. It's saying that the cranes are tall, some piercing clouds. I probably should've made perhaps "even." I wrote the thing on the spot, so a lot of the word choice is sloppy. Quote: Moving near concrete and rotten wood Hang on... what's moving near concrete and rotting wood? The iron and steel? The iron and steel crafted to build, yeah. In the line before, it explains that the iron and steel were crafted so that they could build. Quote: Building shapes like squares and rings Now I really don't know what's being built... Reader confusion is never good - unless you planned for that and wrote the poem with that in mind (and hopefully with some solution to remedy the confusion). I didn't like that line either. That was the one line I threw in there solely for rhyming purposes. However, when reading many poems and lyrics, it's best not to take every line as seriously as the next, especially if the poem is not more than a few lines long. Quote: To fortify our precious walls I originally thought this line has too many syllables. That's not the case. It's your word choice. The "fortify" is what trips the line up. "Fortify" is a three syllable word - but the syllables are short and all crammed together. This, combined with the accent placed on "for" creates an effect that makes the line unreadable. This is easy to fix, however. Switch "fortify" for a longer word like "reinforce." The two words have the same meaning, and the line is now much easier to menteally read. It shouldn't make a difference. If you read that line and its corresponding line (line 2 in the same stanza,) you'll see that they're both written in iambic pentameter, holmes. Quote: I know not when they'll be replaced This line is... mediocre. "I know not" seems ~~sort of~~ really old school. However, "I don't know" seems pretty slangy. Do what you want with this line, because I certainly haven't a clue.** Not really, brah. "I know not" is not an outdated phrase at all, especially in poetry where it's surrounded by a lot of other formal writing. And would you expect so see a lot of the language in any formal writing in everyday conversation? You're basically making the argument that no one should be able to use the phrase, "I don't know." ever in formal writing. Quote: But its creations will always be effaced Is "effaced" really the word you want to use here? It refers to a thinning of tissue - usually during pregnancy. ef⋅face [i-feys] Show IPA –verb (used with object), -faced, -fac⋅ing. 1.to wipe out; do away with; expunge: to efface one's unhappy memories. 2.to rub out, erase, or obliterate (outlines, traces, inscriptions, etc.). 3.to make (oneself) inconspicuous; withdraw (oneself) modestly or shyly. I use dictionaries to roll weed, man. I freakin love em. Quote: Ok, first thing's first. I don't like your rhyming scheme. It's nothing personal, there are few rhyming schemes that I do like. Rhymes are tough to pull off because, usually, the reader feels like the rhyme is forced. In other words, lines may be added just to have an external rhyme. If they add nothing to the poem, they're dead weight. They don't do anything other than add a rhyme. You really want to avoid that. Blame that shitty rhyme scheme on Shakespeare, man. He was the retard that invented it. Quote: Other stuff at the end It's about cranes, brah. Didn't you read the description? It's saying about how tall and noble they are, and how they build shit and create the world, but in the end, those very tools are used to destroy everything they spent so much time building. Human nature, lad, human nature. Also, how the man is keeping us down. Fight the power, man! Edited by Lvl100Magikarp, Jun 11 2009, 02:58 AM.



Amlesh	Jun 11 2009, 05:42 PM Post #4
Crayon Posts: 16 Group: Members Member #35 Joined: May 27, 2009	No need to defend your poem against my criticism. Quote: That was the one line I threw in there solely for rhyming purposes Don't do that. My mistake on the efface bit; you're correct. Quote: Blame that shitty rhyme scheme on Shakespeare, man. The difference is that Shakespeare pulled it off well. Quote: I wrote the thing on the spot Yeah, for future reference, don't do that. People don't want to spend time critiquing things that you didn't even take the time to look and over and edit yourself.



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