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Topic Started: Jun 2 2009, 01:13 PM (56 Views)
IceAngel302	Jun 2 2009, 01:13 PM Post #1
Crayon Posts: 9 Group: Members Member #34 Joined: May 25, 2009	Need a title A girl in white Staring at me A ghost from the past Of what I used to be Once blue skies Now are grey Tears I cry Here I lay Blood that drowns And suffocates Pain that stays My death comes late My heart a stone My last breath Shattered dreams All I have left
	We are blinded by what we can see, that now we are missing the bigger picture.


Wannabe Writer	Jun 2 2009, 09:58 PM Post #2
Fountain Pen Posts: 251 Group: Moderator Member #27 Joined: Feb 8, 2009	I like this poem. It's kind of sad. Is the last line (in small print) part of the poem?



IceAngel302	Jun 3 2009, 09:05 PM Post #3
Crayon Posts: 9 Group: Members Member #34 Joined: May 25, 2009	Thanks, and no. That's my sig.
	We are blinded by what we can see, that now we are missing the bigger picture.


Amlesh	Jun 10 2009, 04:46 PM Post #4
Crayon Posts: 16 Group: Members Member #35 Joined: May 27, 2009	Quote: A girl in white Staring at me While these first two lines are original (in that, I don't detect much cliche), I do find them projecting an aura of boredom. There seems to be no emotion here, and this feels like an emotional poem. A ghost from the past This seems rather cliche to me. Of what I used to be This line is too long. It's not very noticeable, but it does mess up the flow somewhat. Try to rewrite this so that you can remove 1 syllable. I would also add a period here to represent the end of this thought, as your next stanza moves on. Once blue skies Now are grey Tears I cry Cliche emo crap. I don't want to hear about you crying. Show me emotion, don't tell me about it. Here I lay This isn't grammatically correct. It should be "Here I lie." But, because you chose to use a rhyming scheme, whatever floats your little boat. Blood that drowns And suffocates Pain that stays My death comes late This whole bloody stanza (pun intended) is cliche. Don't be bogged down in the swamps of emo-esque, teen-angsty poetry. Again, you're trying to depict emotion using "emotional" words. That isn't what creates a feeling of emotion. It has to be subtle or the reader will feel as if you're forcing the emotion on him, and that's the last thing he wants. My heart a stone Semi-cliche. My last breath Very cliche. Shattered dreams And again. All I have left "Left" doesn't even rhyme with "breath." You butchered your own rhyme. I didn't like this. While reading, it felt like: Cliche here Overdone there Unoriginal here Teen-angsty there It reeks of amateurness. I would like to see you do the following to improve your understanding of poem structure, flow, and emotion: 1. Rewrite the poem so that it doesn't have a rhyming scheme. 2. Don't write about pain and death. In all seriousness, I've read this poem a thousand times before. 3. Use longer lines. Short, choppy lines may be read quickly, but it can be harder for readers to pluck meaning from them. You want to leave a lasting impression on your readers and make them think about what they just read. Longer lines allow for more words and therefore, if you play your cards correctly, more emotion. 4. Don't use "emotional" words - pain, death, blood, shattered dreams, etc. As I said, these don't make readers feel emotional. It feels like you're pressing the emotion down on us and making us eat it. It seems childish. Good luck, and I hope you may have learned something here. Edited by Amlesh, Jun 10 2009, 04:47 PM.



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