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| Viruses Vs. Spysweepers | |
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| Topic Started: Apr 3 2009, 01:10 AM (85 Views) | |
| Eliza... | Apr 3 2009, 01:10 AM Post #1 |
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In the land of Internet, the Viruses were once again preparing for battle. Years had gone by since the war began, and generations had come and gone, but there was no chance that the war would end soon. Alpha knew this, but he also knew the dangers of war. With millions dead on both side, the public were never told how many had died anymore. No one knew what was really going on. “Okay, men, you better move it! A-group, go straight to Introductions. B-group, go to Book Reviews. C-group, go to Science Fiction. D-group, go to Contests. E-group, go to Fantasy…” Along with the rest of D-group, Alpha quickly covered ground as he rushed across the field and leaped in the danger zone. Immediately, the Viruses could see the Spysweepers in the air scanning the area. As one passed by, Alpha ducked behind the word, Invasion. Safe again, he jumped to Moo, than Crazy, than Highly. He could finally see his target, the center of the Forum, the start of all his problems. As another Spysweeper flew overhead, Alpha swiftly grew closer to his goal. A long line of keyholes could be seen – the perfect size for a Virus to fit in. The surrounding area was the most protected, and the least populated. Running to Claw, he almost perished in the light beams of the Spysweepers. Turning around as he heard a scream, he saw his comrade, Kappa, dragged off to the end of the site, forever lost in its masses if not dead. Sorrowing for his lost friend, he never noticed the prowling figure creep up to him until he landed on top of Alpha, right as a Spysweeper passed nearby. Looking up, Alpha noticed Chi. “Thank you.” “You’re welcomed. Now stop daydreaming and come on.” Once again gliding from word to word, Alpha could see the target get closer and closer. In, Make, Random, Unusual, Fearless, CLOSED – the soldiers closest began to be full of joy. If they could reach it, they would survive. Note, Contest, Week, Plagiarism – the only object keeping Alpha away from the target were the Spysweepers, grouped so closely together, everyone was being carried away at that point. Hoping for luck, Alpha lunged across the field toward the empty keyholes. He saw himself go a quarter across the field, one-half, three fourths, touching the keyhole, half way in the keyhole, three fourths into the keyhole… All of a sudden, Alpha felt a tug – it was a Spysweeper. Giving up on his victory, Alpha died in the grasp of a Spysweeper, joyfully taking the dead Virus back to where it belonged – on the edge of the site. |
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Signatures are overrated? Generation 25: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation. Social experiment. | |
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| Lykaios | Apr 9 2009, 10:46 PM Post #2 |
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Crit ticket -- I'm away this weekend, so for Monday night? Poke me if I forget. |
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| Eliza... | May 14 2009, 12:24 AM Post #3 |
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*pokes* Are you going to crit it any time soon? |
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Signatures are overrated? Generation 25: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation. Social experiment. | |
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| Lykaios | May 14 2009, 03:03 PM Post #4 |
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Oops, sorry, I forgot. * * * * * * * * * * * *
This is an interesting idea, but I can't imagine it happening at all. There is very little description and what is there, doesn't make sense to a reader. So these are viruses on a computer screen, having a battle, so you need to SHOW that. I don't understand the relivance of all thoe randomly capitalised words except it's something to do with the site they're invading. Alpha needs to be more interesting, have some thoughts and less cardboard actions. Show the danger, let your reader feel it and make us dislike Alpha. It's quite confusing, so you need to work on this. Rememeber, that every new sentence has to make sense on its own, it can't rely on the previous sentence for clarity as that one is over. You're creating a world isde of one that's very well known, but none of us actually know what it looks like. This is where you need to paint a picture of what's happening in the story. Overall, your grammar is good, but you do need to work on your description.
Edited by Lykaios, May 14 2009, 03:23 PM.
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