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“Look at this landscape,” he said, the dust blowing gently between his feet. The cliff-side behind him was carved into beauty Carved into beauty? I think it would make more sense to say, "carved with beauty."; the springs erupting from the huge, musty rocks as if they were mere pebbles. Broken twigs lay scattered across the floor, all from that It doesn't make much sense to "that" when the object wasn't mentioned earlier; say, "a tree." single, luscious tree. The same as the last comment; eliminate "the," but I think this could work, so you might leave it.apples were rolling towards the sea, roving across the sands; dipping between every crevice, sweeping over the layers of the once warm ground, taking the seconds of eternity to glide over to the depths of an ocean.

“Do you see what we’ve done?” He lowercase h. continued, his body beginning to feel the seeping desperation of wrath. The clouds contorted into an inner hell, red and grey colliding into a deep battle, their rupture shaking the Earth. Moments passed, and the dramatic aura of an immortal entity began to form, presenting all with paradoxical power that had once been tenderness and cherishment. The skies began to fall from the heavens, pure fury enveloping the mist; damnation was coming.

“We’re going to end…” He lowercase h. said, comatose dragging him down into a starless sleep. The corpses of animals covered the floor, eliminating the idyllic haven, and replacing it with a lone essence of morbidity. Blood spilt, staining the individual granules of sand crimson, infecting the golden colour with a flood of terror. Every cadaver melted in the arriving of the clouds, slowly dripping into a void.

“All because of that one bite!” He lowercase h. ended, collapsing onto the moist ground; the decease of consciousness embedding him in the terrain. The skies exploded in flames, disintegrating the tips of treetops and the edges of the mountain, baring the rage of the welkin.

Letting all suffer the mistake of two, and crumbling before the might of vengeance. A single tree remained unscathed, a tree that stood tall, not withering before the devastation of nature, a tree of ages.

I don't have many suggestions, seeing as this is such a short piece, and no plot has been introduced yet. This has beautiful description, and if you want this to stand alone, perhaps as a descriptive piece, then it's fine. But, if this is a story that's standing alone, then you need to explain who "he" is. A story needs character, setting, and usually plot. But if you're intending to write more, I think this is great!

Zymotic

Feb 17 2009, 04:33 PM

“Look at this landscape,” he said,Either you need to have a period or you need to put "as" in the sentence. the dust blowing gently between his feet. The cliff-side behind him was carved with beauty; the springs erupting from the huge, musty rocks as if they were mere pebbles.It sounds like you are saying the springs were like pebbles. Broken twigs lay scattered across the floor, all from that Use another word besides "that." single, luscious tree. The apples were rolling towards the sea, roving across the sands; dipping between every crevice, sweeping over the layers of the once warm ground, taking the seconds of eternity to glide over to the depths of an ocean.Rephrase the last part of the sentence

“Do you see what we’ve done?” he continued, his body beginning to feel the seeping desperation of wrath. The clouds contorted into an inner hell, red and grey gray colliding into a deep battle, their rupture shaking the Earth. Moments passed, and the dramatic aura of an immortal entity began to form, presenting all with paradoxical power that had once been tenderness and cherishment Cherishment isn't a word. The skies began to fall from the heavens, pure fury enveloping the mist; A period would be fine here damnation was coming.

“We’re going to end…” he said, comatose dragging him down into a starless sleep. The corpses of animals covered the floor, eliminating the idyllic haven, and replacing it with a lone essence of morbidity. Blood spilt split, staining the individual granules of sand crimson, infecting the golden colour with a flood of terror. Every cadaver melted in the arriving arrival of the clouds, slowly dripping into a void.

“All because of that one bite!” he ended, collapsing onto the moist ground; the decease of consciousness embedding him in the terrain. The skies exploded in flames, disintegrating the tips of treetops and the edges of the mountain, baring the rage of the welkin. If "welkin" is a name, it needs to be capitalized.

Letting all suffer the mistake of two, and crumbling before the might of vengeance. This isn't a complete sentence. A single tree remained unscathed, a tree that stood tall, not withering before the devastation of nature, a tree of ages.

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This needs a lot of work, but, I'm going to try and become more active on this site. So, crits appreciated.

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“Look at this landscape,” he said, the dust blowing gently between his feet. The cliff-side behind him was carved with beauty; the springs erupting from the huge, musty rocks as if they were mere pebbles. Broken twigs lay scattered across the floor, all from that single, lusciousI'm not sure about this word to discribe a tree . . . tree. The apples were rolling towards the sea, roving across the sands; dipping between every crevice, sweeping over the layers of the once warm ground, taking the seconds of eternity to glide over to the depths of an ocean.
lovely start.

“Do you see what we’ve done?” he continued, his body beginning to feel the seeping desperation of wrath. The clouds contorted into an inner hell, red and grey colliding into a deep battle, their rupture shaking the Earth. Moments passed, and the dramatic aura of an immortal entity began to form, presenting all with paradoxical power that had once been tenderness and cherishment. The skies began to fall from the heavens, do you mean stars? I always thought that heavens was another word for skies. pure fury enveloping the mist;<this'd have more effect if you changed this to a full stop and give the next bit its own paragraph.> damnation was coming.

“We’re going to end…” he said, comatose dragging him down into a starless sleep. The corpses of animals covered the floor, eliminating the idyllic haven, and replacing it with a lone essence of morbidity. Blood spilt, staining the individual granules of sand crimson, infecting the golden colour with a flood of terror. Every cadaver melted in the arriving of the clouds, slowly dripping into a void.

“All because of that one bite!” he ended, collapsing onto the moist ground; the decease of consciousness embedding him in the terrain. The skies exploded in flames, disintegrating the tips of treetops and the edges of the mountain, baring the rage of the welkin.<what's that?

Letting all suffer the mistake of two, and crumbling before the might of vengeance. <comma, this next bit is part of this sentence A single tree remained unscathed,<here's where you need the full-stop. a tree that stood tall, not withering before the devastation of nature, a tree of ages. maybe give this its own paragraph too?

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grey gray

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If "welkin" is a name, it needs to be capitalized.

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welkin.<what's that?

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Letting all suffer the mistake of two, and crumbling before the might of vengeance. This isn't a complete sentence.