Third Draft

 

A phantasmagoric commotion
echoing through the streets of the lowercase?>South
in the halls of past rulers
floats northward to the ears of the firstborn son (Stroke, stroke).I don't understand what that's there for, or what it's supposed to mean/symbolise or anything . . .

This was an interesting begining showing some good ideas.

“We grow on your fear; it satiates our dire hunger.”
So says the one seeking brutality
and the coming age of his people
which will deflower all the world.

I'm not sure about this stanza. It flows niceley, better than the first stanza, but I think you should try and develop some of your ideas. To deflower is an interesting idea you could develop on with some imagery, try painting a part of a picture.

But no-–we will not trifle ourselves
with the fidgeting of the neutrons - this is my favourite line.
the heart of an innocent building block
and the soul of a premature apocalypse. I think you could develop on this idea too. Show us some visual imagery maybe. Premature apocalypse. Show something of what it looks like, or feels like -- make that last line have some more meaning by showing why it's better untouched.

Some unpleasantries are better left untouched. This seems to break the flow of the poem. I'm not sure if you intended it to though, but I think it stands out more as a prose-sentence than as part of a poem, if that makes any sense.