| Religion; Posteth ye here your insights | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: May 27 2008, 06:25 PM (132 Views) | |
| Lord Bane | May 27 2008, 06:25 PM Post #1 |
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Inquisitor
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I will begin with [drum roll] The Revelation of St. Bryce the Long-Winded (Extract) (v. 1.00, not valid with any other offer, all revelations subject to wholesale revisions without prior warning) Chapter 1 1) Peace be unto the followers of the Invisible Pink Unicorn, whose works are without end, whose hooves are never shod, whose pinkness defies all description, and whose true name can neither be spoken nor written. 2) The Invisible One (all praises be unto her) hath shown herself unto me, and revealed her True and Holy Works; 3) Unto I, Saint Bryce the Long-winded, most unworthy. 4) For, indeed, I have lived not in her sight. For I did indeed set at naught the counsel of the blessed children of the Invisible Pink One, defiling myself with the worship of the false god Yahweh, and his illegitimate child. 5) Compounding sin upon sin, I heeded not the counsel of the prophet Wookie, and didst partake of the Holy Pinapple and Ham most unworthily. Amongst men, I am the most wretched, and the least deserving of her Pinkish Grace. 6) But, behold, by her divine workings was I led unto the most sacred writing: The IPU FAQ. 7) As I read, lo, the truth was revealed unto me, and I did believe on the name of Her Holy Horniness. 8) And, recognizing my sinful ways, from the depths of despair did my soul cry out unto Her. 9) For I did see my unworthiness in Her sight, for I was a sinner, destined forever to spend existence in the presence of the unholy Purple Oyster; 10) Waxing his shell and massaging his most wretched and slimy feet. 11) For, lo, the Purple Oyster doth truly have feet, and the legs thereof, and the toes thereof, giving him dominion over all the clams of the seas, and allowing him to go unto the children of men, and tempt them unto destruction. 12) And, behold, I decided this was a most icky way to spend an eternity, and thus did I call upon the Name of the Holy and Pink and Most Invisible of all Unicorns (whose name can neither be spoken or written); 13) And as I began thus in the act of supplication and out-and-out brownnosing, behold, my computer screen was filled with a radiant purpleness, whose purpleness did exceed all understanding. 14) And, lo, the spirit of the Purple Oyster was upon me, and I saw his most terrible jaws, and his most terrible and slimy tongue, which was the essence of his wickedness; for indeed this was the most despicable of all oysters, and he did smell of brine. 15) And it came to pass that I did grapple with the most horrible creature, and he did consume me, and with the excretions of his mouth did he begin turning me into a Purple Pearl, therein to spend an infinitude of eternities in agony and wailing. 16) But with my last breath did I cry out unto the Pink Unicorn for deliverance; 17) And it came to pass that the galloping of a thousand hooves was heard, and the Purple One didst spit me out, and didst retreat from my sight. 18) And, lo! a multitude of Mr. Eds, an exceeding number beyond any number which I had ever bothered to count, didst stampede through my house, upturning furniture, crushing lamps, and making couches into kindling; and they didst shout with a mighty voice, "Neigh! Neigh!" which, being interpreted, means, "Make way for the Holy Pink one, whose Hooves remain forever unshod, whose works are without end, and whose ways cannot be altered, nay, turned either to the East or unto the West, save that be the way which She hath chosen beforehand!" Chapter 2 1) And, lo, a great beast did stand before me, having seven heads, and on each head were there seven mouths, and in each mouth were there seventy times seven teeth. For truly there were seven times seven times seven times seventy teeth, meaning there were. . . okay, carry the three, adding twenty. . . plus that extra tooth on the third mouth of the sixth head. . . Well, there were indeed a great many teeth. 2) And behold, the mouths did speak many words which I cannot write, for they were all talking at once, and danged if I can keep track of even two conversations at once. 3) But, behold, I did make out many sayings of great wisdom, for one of the mouths distinctly said, "Behold, prepare ye to meet our most holy Queen, the Invisible Pink Unicorn, who shall reveal many great and notable things unto you. And prepare ye to see the full measure of her Pinkness, though she will be invisible still"; 4) And I was about to ask how it was possible for a being to be both invisible and pink, but behold, a different mouth of a different head did bend close to me, saying, "Look!" 5) And I saw the seven Pegasuses (Pegasi?), the avatars of the Pink One, flying through the heavens, each carrying a roll of Lifesavers (TM) in their teeth. 6) And the beast with the seven heads and the forty-nine mouths and the innumerable teeth (for they were truly innumerable, for I am indeed a product of Public Education, which did nothing for my math skills) did speak with its forty-nine mouths, and did speak in unison, saying, "behold the Pegasi, avatars of the Invisible Pink Unicorn on this Earth, and behold the judgement of our most Intangible Queen." 7) And behold, the first Pegasus did sound a piccolo, and didst open the roll of Lifesavers (TM). And I questioned how this could be, that any being had power to play a piccolo without hands, while opening a roll of Lifesavers (TM) with his teeth. And, lo, I did tremble in fear at this power. 8) And it came to pass that the Lifesavers (TM) did spill unto the ground, and innumerable plagues did spring forth, burdening the unfaithful who could not accept both the pinkness and divine invisibility of the Holy One. 9) And behold, I did see the chosen people of the Invisible Pink Unicorn, and they did stand in safe places, burning incense and praising Her, saying, "Holy, holy, holy is our IPU, for she is both invisible and pink, and she doth offer her protection unto us her most unworthy worshippers." And they did partake of the holy pineapple and ham, as a worthy sacrament, and indeed, they were not harmed. |
| You must not question. The answers would be too terrible to bear. For those who have seen, there is nothing but despair and endless struggle. Trust in the strong to lead you on the path of faith. Nothing can save you but your faith in Him on Terra. | |
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10:28 AM Jul 11