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Amanda White
Topic Started: Oct 22 2012, 09:22 PM (421 Views)
Bikriki
Regular
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Name: Amanda White
Gender: Female
Age: 16
Grade: 11th
School: Patriot High
Hobbies and Interests: Track team, Chess,

Appearance: Amanda's is 5'10 tall and weighs 151 lbs and is a Caucasian. While she is very slender and not curvy, she does have some leg muscles. Her face is round, yet features sunken cheeks. While her hair is dark blonde naturally, she bleaches it to the point of having nearly white hair. It is also kept in a simple pony tail. Her small eyes are blue and close to the nose. The nose is very thin, but long and the nostrils are just as thin. Her mouth is narrow.

She usually wears camouflage pants and a black tank top. Sneakers are her preferred type of shoes.

Biography: Amanda is the youngest member of her family, which included her parents, John White and Natalie White, her older twin brother, Roy White, and the widowed sister of John, Sarah Harris. Natalie worked as a nurse in a hospital and John as the co-owner of a local fitness center.

John and Natalie had the habit to tell their children toned down stories of their military time and their own youth as night time stories. In these stories, they both often made fun about minorities. Amanda liked the stories a lot and took the negative descriptions of minorities as hard facts.

At the age of four, Roy was killed along with Sarah in a car accident involving a drunk driver. This impacted the family deeply, who lead a very happy life untill that point. As a result, John and Natalie sent their daughter to Natalie's mother, who lived in New Hampshire, while the White parents were recovering via therapeutic methods. During her time at her grandmother's place, Amanda slowly learned to realize what death means and why her brother vanished from her life. Thanks to the tender care of her grandmother, she remained mentally stable. Additionally, she sparked interest into her grandmother's chess games, although she was dismissed, as her grandmother saw it as a difficult game totally unsuited for a young child.

Five years later, her parents urged Amanda to pick up an athletic activity. This was mostly due to John co-owning a fitness studio and his firm belief that a well-trained body is important for life. In the next months, Amanda tried out various sports with her parents, including swimming, soccer and tennis, but in the end, Amanda found pleasure in track athletics. She has grown to be moderately good in it and she enjoys the activity very much.

When she was 12, she saw a couple of elderly men, members of a hobby club, playing chess in a park. Remembering that she once wanted to know more about chess, but wasn't allowed because it was perceived to difficult for her age, she decided to retry learning it. At first, she merely sat by and watched the men playing. After a few days passed, some of the men asked Amanda why she was watching them. Amanda told them that she found chess fascinating and wanted to learn it. The men offered her to teach her chess everytime she came into the park, to which Amada agreed. At the next occasion, she joined the chess club of her school and became one of the best members. She takes chess very seriously, much to the annoyance of her parents, who often have to hear Amanda ranting about chess strategies. However, they bought a chess board for use at home and occasionally play with her.

Shortly after turning 16, John demanded that Amanda would help in his fitness center. She was reluctant at first, saying that she needed all the energy to focus on school. John insisted that as long as she has enough energy for chess and track, she has enough energy for a part-time job. Additionally, he explained that working experience, no matter what kind, will be proving useful when applying for a job. Amanda was still reluctant, but John then said that he would pay her. This argument convinced Amanda and she began working at the fitness studio, usually cleaning the room or serving at the bar, which does not include serving alcohol due to being located at a fitness center, where alcohol is mostly counterproductive. Three weeks before the program, she fell down a staircase while working and broke her right arm. It is still fixated in a plaster bandage.

Amanda is a mediciore student. When she first entered high school, her grades were mostly D's with a tendency to get worse. After a suggestion her teachers made, Natalie decided to organize tuition for Amanda, at the expense of her hobbies. She eventually got back to track, as her grades tend to be ranging from C to D now without tuition. The one exception is PE, in which she usually receives B's and the occasional A. Her teachers chide her regularly for these marks, yet John and Natalie are satisfied. She is part of the track team.

As a person, Amanda can be described as nice and polite to most people. She rarely seeks out to make friends, but she has some friendly relationships gained from school. Most of her closer friends are people from the chess club she is in, even if most of the men and women are older than her. While Amanda maintains a low profile in public places and around strangers, she often gets far more outgoing and more informal once she is with people she likes. This often shocks new friends of her. However, she is very loyal to people she likes, even if she isn't particular close to them.

Although Amanda enjoys competition in sports and chess, she goes to great lenghts to avoid serious conflicts. If a severe enough argument goes on too long, she'll just start to simply agree with the other party to stop the arguing. Also, she is deeply disturbed when other people get into fights and she often tries to intervene as soon as possible if this happens. She isn't very good at mediation and thus often fails at her attempt, at which she'll quickly leave the scene. These fights can lower her mood for days, even if it was something petty.

Amanda is very lazy. She is unwilling to do tasks she was assigned to do, and great pressure must be added to convince her otherwise. Offering money is usually a good idea to get her to do tasks, although it only works when used by family or friends. Her father often muses about this, but doesn't take it seriously, as he was a slacker himself when he was young. Because the military service changed that for him, he believes it to be the same for Amanda. Natalie is usually encouraging her to enjoy her youth and thus doesn't mind if Amanda isn't working hard for things that she doesn't like. Despite that, Amanda will help friends in need as she believes that they would do the same for her.

Due to the racist education received from parents and government, Amanda genuinely believes the Causacian American race to be superior. She won't go out of her way to discriminate against others as she wants to remain polite, even if she doesn't like somebody.

Advantages: Amanda has bigger endurance due to her track experience. Additionally, she is unlikely to be a target, as Amanda usually doesn't cause disharmony. Nor did she made enemies while in school.
Disadvantages: Amanda's dominant arm is broken, so she won't be able to wield anything with enough efficiency, for example weapons. Her aversion against conflicts might pose a problem. Even more so if she tries to stop two combatants, who might end up harming her.
Program v2
O F21: Amanda White DEAD (Hedge Clipper)
||Awakening|Cowardice|Reflection|Rising|Meeting|Return||

TV v2
Vincent Holway GIVEN AWAY (Bolo Knife) |>=<
Lisa Toner DEAD ||Ladies|Boys||

SCDos
Amanda White ALIVELaing - Zeig Deine Muskeln
||Fashion||
Vincent Holway DEAD
||Impressions|
Summary: Vincent's meat gets engulfed by a warm hole, finished by a warm fluid entering his throat, the woman in question is impressed for once
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Namira
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Paint me like one of your Sith girls
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Hiya Bikri. Amanda is temporarily denied, pending some fairly significant revisions.

Quote:
 
Name: Amanda White
Gender: Female
Age: 16
Grade: 11th
School: Patriot High
Hobbies and Interests: Track team, Chess, Survival Training

Appearance: Amanda's is 5'10 tall and weighs 151 lbs. Her face is round, yet features sunken cheeks. While her hair is dark blonde naturally, she bleaches it to the point of having nearly white hair. It is also kept in a simple pony tail. Her small eyes are blue and close to the nose. The nose is very thin, but long and the nostrils are just as thin. Her mouth is narrow.

((- There's no description of Amanda's body type. I can take a guess from her height and weight, but I shouldn't be having to extrapolate that kind of thing. Is her height because of long legs? Is she slightly built or is she more thickset? Where does Amanda carry her weight?

You also do not state her ethnicity))


She usually wears camouflage pants and a black tank top. Sneakers are her preferred type of shoes.

Biography: Amanda is the younger twin of Roy White and the child of John White and Natalie White. Natalie worked as a nurse in a hospital and John as the co-owner of a local fitness center.

((It makes more sense to phrase this relative to Amanda - as in, Roy being her slightly older brother, and John and Natalie being her parents, remember the profile revolves around her, not her family))


At the age of four, Roy and his aunt were killed in a car accident. Amanda wasn't present, and she was simply told that her brother and her aunt were making a long vacation. The grieving parents made Amanda suspicious. However, John and Natalie prohibited mentioning him, and beat Amanda if she ever said something about her missing brother. This eventually lead to her repressing her memories of her brother and her aunt.

((What Aunt? This is the first mention of any aunt. Was this John's sister? Natalie's sister? Roy's aunt is Amanda's aunt too, remember. Also, the reaction to the death is very... over the top. I can understand Amanda's parents wanting to hide it from her, but surely if they are trying to spare her feelings, they wouldn't react to her questions by beating her? It makes perfect sense for this to be a sensitive subject, but I feel that the handling here is unrealistic. I would much rather see Amanda independently coming to the conclusion she shouldn't talk about her brother, because it always upsets her parents. The beatings I would like to be stripped out entirely - this overall needs more detail))

Five years later, her parents urged Amanda to pick up an athletic activity, although they assured her that she can pick whatever she likes. Amanda eventually decided to try out simple field and track athletics.

((Why was this? You haven't given me any information to work off here. Was it because her father owns a fitness centre? There's no rationale behind them encouraging Amanda to pick up a sport, and once she starts track, there's no elaboration. She tried it out, but did she like it? If she liked it, why was that? If she didn't like it, why has she stuck with it? Amanda must still be doing athletics if it's on her hobbies and interests, but this is the only time it ever comes up and she's only nine years old. More details, please))

When she was 12, she saw a couple of elderly men playing chess in a park. They asked her if she wanted to learn the game, and from that day on, Amanda kept a raised interest in chess. She tried to convince her parents to play chess too, but her father wasn't interested. Her mother was trying to be nice and kept a moderate interest in chess due to Amanda's wishes.

((Why would a pair of old men just invite a little kid over to learn chess? This seems really random. It would make a lot more sense if Amanda were introduced to the game by a family member. Once again, this is the only time chess comes up in the entire profile. Why did Amanda like chess so much? Enough to try and make her parents play? Did she pester them for her own chess set? Is Amanda even any good at it? Does she play chess at school? The detail is cursory))

Before entering High School, John and Natalie told Amanda about the program. They said that, if Amanda's class was the one chosen, she would leave a hole in their life ((this part is VERY unclear, I've tweaked it a bit but I'm not sure if this was your meaning)). This caused Amanda to ask if the grief would be just as severe as it was with her brother. While shocked at first, her parents eventually told her that they still couldn't bear the pain of losing a child. To prevent this, they wanted Amanda to experience a mild survival training. She agreed, as she didn't want to make her parents upset.

((This part makes very little sense. I already want you to change Amanda 'suppressing' the memories of her brother, but even so, it seems very bizarre, especially since the death of her brother was when she was four years old. All in all, this just seems like a contrived way to set up Amanda having survival training. I mean, what IS survival training? Where did she get it? You don't define it at all or state who taught her. It's very clumsily worked in and needs heavy revision if you're going to keep it in the profile)).

Shortly after turning 16, John demanded that Amanda would help in his fitness center. She was reluctant at first, but James insisted that a good child would help her parents. This argument convinced Amanda and she began working at the fitness studio, usually cleaning the room or serving at the bar. Three weeks before the program, she fell down a staircase while working and broke her right arm. It is still fixated in a plaster bandage.

((Who is James? Is that John's partner at the fitness centre? If so, then he needs to have been introduced LONG before now. Also, I don't think sixteen year olds are allowed to serve alcohol. Why was Amanda reluctant? I don't mind her being convinced to work there, but you don't put any reason as to why she wasn't keen on the idea originally. Why did John want her to help out?))

Amanda is a moderate student, although her grades tend to be D's in courses like English or Political Science. The one exception is PE, in which she usually receives B's and the occasional A. She is part of the track team.

((I wouldn't define somebody getting Ds in most non-practical subjects as a moderate student. I would call that quite mediocre and on the verge of failing. Amanda either needs to be doing better in school or to have more description as to why she isn't a very good student. Does she not pay attention? Does she just not like school? What action to the teachers take to try and improve her grades?))

As a person, Amanda can be described as nice and polite, albeit indifferent. She rarely seeks out to make friends, although she will stay loyal to people once she believes that these people make good leaders. Due to her upbringing, Amanda deeply thinks that only the strong people have rights, and that the Caucasian American is the strongest of all races. In her view, this can be used as an reason to harass people of other races, but she usually treats them politely since she prefers to avoid unnecessary conflicts.

((Why is she indifferent? That seems like an odd word choice. Why doesn't she try to make friends? What do you mean 'good leaders'? That's a really odd criteria for friends. Before this point, there wasn't anything about Amanda's upbringing being particularly anti-foreigner. If her parents have somewhat racist views, then this needed to be brought up much earlier in the profile and discussed in greater detail, as it stands, this comes completely out of nowhere. I didn't get the impression at all that there was a racial element to Amanda's upbringing))

Amanda is rather lazy. Unless she is personally interested in doing a certain thing, she will try to avoid doing tasks. Despite this, she believes it to be duty for a children to make their parents happy. Additionally, she will do tasks she doesn't like if she believes it will help a person she likes a lot

((Why does Amanda motivate herself for people she likes? Considering she's described as lazy and unmotivated anyway, it seems like a big stretch that she would not only do something for somebody else, but do something she actively dislikes. Why does she believe that it's a child's duty to help their parents? You need to put more emphasis on this kind of thing earlier in the profile))

Advantages: Amanda has a splendid body as well as theoretical experience with the program.

((What's a 'splendid' body? Do you mean she's attractive, or do you mean she's in good shape? These are two very different advantages, and that needs specifying. Why does Amanda have theoretical program experience? Do you mean the 'survival training'? That's not the same thing, and there's no way that somebody should be teaching what it's like to be in the Program to a child who is only around thirteen years old))
Disadvantages: Her broken right arm, which is her dominant arm, render any attempts to use her hands more difficult, for example, wielding a weapon. Additionally, she will, once she finds a charismatic and competent person on the island, forsake all reason and only try to please this person.

((The second disadvantage is completely over the top. There's very little in the profile to suggest that Amanda is that weak-willed, I have a hard time believing that ANYBODY would be so weak-willed as to latch themselves onto the first charismatic person they see. Being a followed is a disadvantage, yes, but being a follower to this degree is overblown. This needs some tweaking))[/color]



--

The main buzzword here is detail. You need to expand and elaborate on the profile. Most of the points of information are very short and cursory and should be explored in greater detail. Effectively you have quite a few statements without the underpinnings being properly explained.

Please take my comments into account and reply when you're done with edits!
~*~

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Bikriki
Regular
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My apologies for making such a character. Well, that's what I get for panicking and rushing everything.

Also, I did not know we had to include ethnicities.

Either way, fixes are made, I hope they are satisfying.
Program v2
O F21: Amanda White DEAD (Hedge Clipper)
||Awakening|Cowardice|Reflection|Rising|Meeting|Return||

TV v2
Vincent Holway GIVEN AWAY (Bolo Knife) |>=<
Lisa Toner DEAD ||Ladies|Boys||

SCDos
Amanda White ALIVELaing - Zeig Deine Muskeln
||Fashion||
Vincent Holway DEAD
||Impressions|
Summary: Vincent's meat gets engulfed by a warm hole, finished by a warm fluid entering his throat, the woman in question is impressed for once
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Namira
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Paint me like one of your Sith girls
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Oh don't feel bad. The only way to get more experience and improve is to write. A lot of people have slightly minimal profiles when they're starting out.

Ethnicity is just an appearance thing. If their skin tone hasn't been stated that's something fairly big missing from the description.

Anyway, this is currently a lot better than first revision, but I still have a couple of issues with the profile as it stands.

--


" Amanda's is 5'10 tall and weighs 151 lbs as well a caucasian."

This sentence doesn't make sense. Caucasian (which needs to be capitalised) is something that you are. It would make more sense if it were phrased 'as well as being Caucasian', although it's still quite clunky in this context. I'd move it a little further along and reword the sentence a bit.


"Five years later, her parents urged Amanda to pick up an athletic activity. This was mostly due to John co-owning a fitness studio and his firm belief that a well-trained body is important for life. In the next months, Amanda tried out various sports with her parents, including swimming, soccer and tennis, but in the end, Amanda found pleasure in track athletics. She has grown to be moderately good in it, and she enjoys the activity very much."

('but she enjoys the activity very much' suggests a qualification to the previous statement, whereas enjoying something very much is an addition to being good at it)

* I'm still not completely happy with how Amanda picked up chess. I don't mind her seeing people playing it in the park, but allowing a 12 year old to join a chess club filled with adults strikes me as really, really weird. How about altering it to be that seeing the old men playing it reminded her of wanting to learn it when she was a kid, and Amanda subsequently joined the school's chess club?

* You haven't changed Amanda serving at the bar, which I previously had an issue with.


"she goes great lenght to avoid serious conflict"

- she goes to great lengths to avoid serious conflict.


"Also, she is deeply disturbed by fights other are doing,"

- Also, she is deeply disturbed when other people get into fights.


* I'd still like some more detail on why she's so lazy. It seems odd and I can't see anything in her upbringing to suggest her parents would raise her allowing her to be a slacker.

* The racism is still very crowbarred in right at the end. That needs to be expanded upon and probably put earlier in the profile. Think about things like if her parents were in the military and what kind of things they may have told her when she was younger. As it stands, that element of the profile seems very tacked on.

"She won't go out to discriminate them as she wants to remain polite even if she doesn't like somebody."

- She won't go out of her way to discriminate against others as she wants to remain polite, even if she doesn't like somebody."

* Why is Amanda likely to keep a low profile? This isn't explained in any of the rest of the profile so it comes in out of nowhere as an advantage.
~*~

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Bikriki
Regular
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Edited! I assumed that bars in fitness studios never served alcohol, at least the ones I went to haven't. Welp, I clarified it, hopefully.
Program v2
O F21: Amanda White DEAD (Hedge Clipper)
||Awakening|Cowardice|Reflection|Rising|Meeting|Return||

TV v2
Vincent Holway GIVEN AWAY (Bolo Knife) |>=<
Lisa Toner DEAD ||Ladies|Boys||

SCDos
Amanda White ALIVELaing - Zeig Deine Muskeln
||Fashion||
Vincent Holway DEAD
||Impressions|
Summary: Vincent's meat gets engulfed by a warm hole, finished by a warm fluid entering his throat, the woman in question is impressed for once
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Namira
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Paint me like one of your Sith girls
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Okay, Approved. Please remember to run spelling and grammar checks over your profiles in future though, it'll help you out a lot.
~*~

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